I just continued to stare at him.
“Shoot, Lilybug,” he ordered, lifting his chin at the tree. “Get it out, baby.”
I swallowed hard and turned toward the tree, widening my stance the way I was supposed to. Then I aimed and started firing. The first recoil took me by surprise, but I didn’t pause as I continued to shoot, making adjustments as I went until I could see the bark flying up off the log every time it was hit. It didn’t take long before I was out of bullets.
“Hand it here,” Dad said, gesturing for the gun.
As soon as I’d given it back, he pulled a box of ammo out of the front pocket of the hoodie he was wearing under his cut. He reloaded slowly so I could see how it was done, then handed the gun back to me.
We did that four times. By the fifth, I could barely raise my arms and finally stopped.
“You wanna talk?” he asked, dropping to his ass on the wet ground.
I followed him down and wrapped my arms around my knees. I wasn’t sure what to say. I barely knew why I was so angry all the time, and I had no idea how to explain it to someone else. All of the things that pissed me off seemed so small when I looked at them logically, but I couldn’t help the way I felt.
“This about Leo?” he asked, shifting to get more comfortable, but not looking at me.
“No,” I said quickly.
Silence surrounded us.
“Maybe some,” I clarified finally.
“Makes sense,” Dad said. “Not the man I’d choose for you, but I know you’ve always liked him.”
“He’s too old for me.”
“Glad you see that,” Dad said, humming a little in agreement.
“I can’t talk about this with you,” I said, leaning my chin on my knees.
“Sure you can,” he argued. “You can talk to me about anything.”
“And then watch you flip out? No, thanks.”
“Lily,” he said with a sigh. “Baby girl, I love you. There’s no one on this earth that loves you more than me.”
I swallowed against the lump in my throat.
“I can tell you’re hurtin’. It’s festerin’ and tearin’ at you. If I gotta hear shit I don’t wanna hear so that you can finally say whatever it is you need to say—I can do that. Gladly. Ain’t nothin’ in this world that you can’t tell me. Can’t promise that I’ll like it, but I can promise that it’ll go no further than this field. I’m not gonna fly off the handle or bring shit up later when you piss me off, that ain’t my style.”
“I’m tired of everyone babying me,” I said when he was finished, emotion making my voice wobble. “And I feel like an asshole because I know everyone’s just trying to help.”
“But you don’t need help anymore,” he said understandingly.
“No.” I stared at the open field. “And I hate that I’m so far behind everyone else.”
“How so?”
“Everyone else has their license. They go to parties and have boyfriends and jobs. And I’m over here like I’m fourteen and I still need my parents to tell me when to go to bed at night.”
“Gotta be frustrating,” he said quietly.
“I’m just—” I clenched my hands against the urge to scream. “I’m so fucking pissed.”
Dad nodded.
“They fucked up my life!” I growled, tears filling my eyes. “And my own fucking mind betrayed me for years. And now I’m behind and everyone acts like I’m a little kid still, and it’s not fucking fair! It’s not fucking fair that I didn’t get to see Charlie until she was five years old. It’s not fucking fair that Mom watches me like I’m going to break at any second. It’s not fucking fair that Leo looks at me like he doesn’t know if he should pat me on the head or tell me he’s sorry every time he sees me, when he’s the one who kissed me!”
Dad made a surprised noise, but didn’t say a word as I seethed.
“I hate that no one takes me seriously. I hate that I’ve become some freak show at school, like Lazarus risen from the dead. I hate that no one will leave me alone for five fucking seconds. I just want to climb into bed and sleep. Sleep is the only time that I can shut my mind off. Nothing is normal anymore. Everything is different.”
I finally grew silent, my breath coming in gasps as tears ran down my face.
“Now’s probably when I tell you somethin’ that fixes it all,” Dad said, reaching out to rub my back.
“That would be nice,” I choked out.
“Yeah,” he said, nodding. “Can’t, though.”
“Why not?”
“Nothin’s gonna fix it, Lilybug,” he said gently, still rubbing my back. “You think I ain’t angry? Hell, you think your mom ain’t been right where you’re at? We’ve all been there, Lilybug. Life is not fair, you’re right about that. You just gotta find a way to get rid of that anger, so it don’t eat you up inside.”