“I’m going home,” she said, stopping a few feet from me. “I just need to find my dad’s truck.”
“You shouldn’t be out here by yourself. It’s fuckin’ pitch black.”
“The parking lot is well-lit,” she replied softly. “Are you okay?”
She stepped even closer, and I panicked.
“Stop.”
“Leo,” she said softly. “You look like shit.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. Why are you standing out here?”
I couldn’t tell her that I’d been too afraid to go upstairs. That I knew Casper was laid up there because I’d gotten into a huge fight with Ashley about Gray, and when she’d stormed outside, I’d been too fucking wasted to drive her home. I couldn’t tell her that the thought of seeing her for the first time in over two years when we were surrounded by people made me break out in a sweat, so I’d just been standing outside the hospital for an hour like a lunatic.
“I’ll walk you to the truck,” I said instead, ignoring her questions.
I moved forward, but stumbled back when she reached for me.
I was too fucking raw for her to touch me. I’d let a lot of shit go over the past couple of years. I’d come to realize that she’d been completely right when she’d ran across the country to get away from me. She’d done the only thing she could have, and what I’d wanted for her all along, even if her execution had left a lot to be desired.
But I knew if she touched me, the tight leash I’d been keeping on my emotions since Farrah had gotten that ambulance call from Casper after the accident would completely snap. I’d fucking lose it, and I’d lose it in a way that wouldn’t be good for either of us.
“Don’t,” I warned with a tight shake of my head.
“I’m so sorry about—”
“Don’t.”
She nodded and let me move around her. I’d seen Casper’s piece of shit truck when I’d parked earlier, so I led her in that direction. It was still weird to me that she could follow me without actually touching me. She’d been able to see for a long ass time, but I still remembered when she’d stand perfectly still in a place she wasn’t familiar with, afraid to move.
“Thanks,” she said as we reached the truck.
I stood there silently as she threw her shit in the passenger side and slammed the rusted door shut. She was so self-assured now, so confident in the way she moved. It was like watching a completely different person, and also someone I knew better than myself at the same time.
“Do you need me to get anyone?” she asked as she moved toward the tailgate where I was standing. “Will’s upstairs.”
“No,” I said simply. “Careful drivin’ home.”
“I will. It’s been a while, so I’ll probably go ten miles under the speed limit until I get the feel of driving again.”
I wanted to ask her why she wasn’t driving around in Connecticut, but I didn’t.
I stepped back and let her go around to the driver’s seat, not moving again until she fired up the truck. Then I headed toward my bike that was fucking soaking wet from the rain. I should have driven the Suburban I’d bought when Gray was born, but I hadn’t had the stomach to climb in there without him.
Following Lily home felt familiar and also weird as fuck. I’d never seen her drive before. She was good. She didn’t seem nervous or anything, but still really cautious. As we wound through town toward her parents’ place, I ground my teeth together to keep myself from screaming into the wind.
My life was fucked. Once again, it had flipped on its axis in a single moment, leaving me grasping at anything that would right it again. And just like before, there wasn’t a single thing I could do to change the situation.
I stopped at the end of Casper and Farrah’s driveway and watched as Lily carried her bags onto the porch. She must have known I was waiting, because she moved quickly, but she didn’t acknowledge me. Once I saw the light flip on and the front door shut behind her, I took off again.
I had an apartment about ten minutes from the club, but I couldn’t make myself go there. I’d needed a place of my own once I had Gray, and the place suited me, but I had no desire to be there alone tonight. I hated sleeping there without his little body curled up next to me.
I knew he had a bed at his mom’s. I’d seen it a million times. But I’d never felt the need for him to sleep anywhere but beside me. He loved climbing into dad’s bed to fall asleep, even if I wasn’t there yet. He was the type of kid that put himself to bed when he was tired, and more than once, I’d found him curled up under the covers with sticky hands and a thumb in his mouth before I’d even thought to put him there. He knew what he wanted, and did for himself. I loved that about him.