I didn’t know how to be a parent without Ashley. We’d figured out shit together. If I wasn’t sure how to deal with something, we talked it out. If I was feeling overwhelmed or freaked the fuck out, she calmed me down.
I didn’t want to try to explain to my two year old that his mama wasn’t coming back. I didn’t want him learning about her secondhand and only remembering her face through the photos we had. He’d never remember how much she’d loved him and how much he’d loved her. I fucking hated that.
I let the tears fall down my face, thankful that I’d made it to my room and locked the door before I’d lost it. No one would judge me, I knew that, but I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy. I didn’t want them comforting me and smothering me with their good intentions. I just wanted to get it out. Purge the awful feeling in my chest that had gotten tighter and tighter as the day had gone on until I’d felt as if it would completely suffocate me.
By the time my lungs had stopped heaving and my face was dry, I had a hard time keeping myself vertical. I’d been awake since the morning before, and exhaustion hit me hard.
As I kicked off my boots, I let my mind drift beyond Ashley and Gray, looking for a reprieve, but the first thing I thought of was Lily walking out of that hospital in her brown coat, exhaustion and the bags she was carrying making her shoulders sag. She was as beautiful as I remembered. Her face looked older, more refined and mature, but she was still the beautiful Lily that I’d watched grow up.
The irony of her coming home during one of the worst days of my life wasn’t lost on me. If I’d had any doubts that the universe had a fucking sick sense of humor, those doubts were gone now. The chance of something happening to Casper and Ashley at the same time was so fucking miniscule that it hadn’t been something I could have ever imagined. Sure, Casper was one of the brothers, and in that way we’d always be close, but Ashley barely knew him. We didn’t spend much time with the old timers outside of club parties and the garage, and it was pretty rare that Ash would even come to an event at the clubhouse.
It had been the perfect storm, Ashley at the club for a party, our argument about Gray’s potty training that had turned into both of us pissed and defensive about our parenting, Casper deciding early-on not to drink because he’d had some stomach bug the night before. The scenario was so fucking unlikely that I couldn’t have seen it coming.
And now Lily was back, fucking with my head even though I barely had the energy to think of her. It shamed me to say it, and I would have never admitted it out loud, but in those moments when she’d looked at me the way she used to, I’d felt for just a second like everything would be okay.
Chapter 17
Lily
I spent the morning after my mostly sleepless night in my childhood bed on the phone with Yale, trying to get shit sorted so that they wouldn’t boot me out. Unfortunately, it didn’t matter what department I tried, everyone was out for the weekend. Eventually, I just left messages for all of my professors letting them know that I’d had a family emergency and promising to be back in a week. I just hoped that worked and I wouldn’t get punished. There wasn’t a whole lot I could do until the following Monday.
I was proud of myself for taking care of things, especially when Yale seemed so far away and completely unimportant. From the moment I’d stepped off the plane yesterday, everything seemed to have shifted, and somewhere between then and when I’d woken up that morning, I’d come to the scary realization that I wasn’t sure if I could make myself get back on a plane to Connecticut.
I’d just gotten out of the shower and was towel drying my hair when my mom came home looking strung out.
“Not a word,” she ordered tiredly. “Cody’s awake and made Callie drive me home. I swear to God, that man is bossy.”
“He’s awake?” I asked, a small smile pulling at my cheeks.
“Yeah. He was in and out all night, but he completely woke up this morning and immediately started bitching at me for not taking care of myself.”
“Well, you haven’t,” I pointed out.
“Doin’ it now,” she replied, scooting around me into the bathroom. “I’m going to take a shower and get this nasty hospital smell out of my hair, and then I’m going to sleep for a few hours.”
“Sounds like a good plan,” I said, hanging my towel up. “You need me to do anything?”