He winced at the thought. He wasn’t the type of guy to admit that anything scarred him. In lots of ways he’d been lucky. He’d had a roof over his head, clothes on his back and parents who did seem to care—in some part—about him. They just didn’t care about each other.
Lara sighed in her sleep and turned towards him, one hand tucked under the pillow, the other reaching out towards him.
Lara had always had this crazy idea that she wasn’t good enough. But it wasn’t her that wasn’t good enough—it was him.
A horrible cold sensation swept his body. What if he turned out like his dad? What if after a few years all they did was fight? And what if they brought kids into the equation and exposed them to same relationship he’d witnessed between his mum and dad?
That really made him feel sick.
Just as all these thoughts jumbled around his head Lara’s eyes flickered open, those perfect blue eyes the same shade as the Mediterranean Sea outside.
She gave a lazy smile. ‘Hey,’ she whispered.
‘Hey,’ he replied. But it didn’t come out quite right. Hers was sexy and content. His was terse.
A frown creased her brow and she leaned her head on her hand. ‘What’s wrong with you?’
‘There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m just not so sure this was the best idea.’ Where had that come from? Sometimes his brain and mouth were completely detached from one another.
Something flickered across her face as she sat up in the bed and pulled the sheet up over her naked body. It was too late. He’d hurt her already. ‘Well, it’s a bit too late for that.’ Her voice was matter-of-fact then she gave her head a little shake as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. ‘What is this—the morning after the night before?’
He winced. That made him feel terrible. He got out of bed—trying to get a little distance—and pulled on his jeans. ‘Don’t you have regrets?’ The words were out before he really thought about them.
She hesitated for the tiniest second. ‘No, not really. I didn’t think you’d propose marriage the next day, but at the least I hoped we’d still be friends.’
She’d hesitated. It didn’t matter that he was the person who’d started this. It didn’t matter that all of these insecurities were his, not hers. Now the only thing he could focus on was the fact she’d hesitated for the tiniest second when he’d asked her if she had regrets.
Lara shook her head, her hair fanning out around her shoulders. ‘What’s the problem? We’re both adults. Look at us. It was inevitable that this was going to happen. We’ve been dancing around each other for the last few weeks.’
‘And now we’re not.’ His response was automatic.
She halted.
He hated himself. He could almost see the shutters close across her eyes. He’d been too abrupt. He wasn’t good at this kind of thing. Which was probably why he never got himself into these situations. His whole objective this morning had been to make sure he didn’t hurt Lara and he’d completely blown that out of the water. He couldn’t have made more of a mess of this if he’d tried.
It was just the words. They were jumbling around in his head. He couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t say what he really wanted to say.
He couldn’t tell her that he thought he’d fallen in love with her and wanted her to be around permanently.
She stood up, wrapping herself in the sheet, and crossed to stand directly under his nose. ‘What is this, Reuben?’
He pulled a T-shirt over his head. ‘What’s what?’ he snapped. He couldn’t help it. She’d already called him on this before. He’d hoped if it ever happened again he would be better prepared. Have an answer at his disposal.
If she’d asked him last night during dinner he would have told her it could be exactly what they wanted it to be.
So why couldn’t he do that now?
Why were all his defences in place and every cell in his body telling him to get out of there?
Lara’s face was an open book. He could see her confusion. He could see her hurt. He could see the pain in her eyes that he had caused.
His hand reached up automatically to touch her face but her body jerked away from him.
This was why he shouldn’t do this. This was why relationships didn’t work for him.
‘You haven’t answered me.’ Her voice was shaking.
He hated the way his insides were twisting. Part of him wanted to congratulate her on her persistent questioning and the determined angle of her jaw.
He looked into her eyes. This was where he should tell her that he loved her. This was where he should tell her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.