Shame Me Not

I nodded toward the kitchen for Ana to follow me. We grabbed some Cokes from the fridge and headed upstairs.

“You know how to play any PlayStation games?” I asked, trying to break the awkward silence. I didn’t know if she was nervous or not much of a talker one on one, but I was determined to set her at ease.

“Yeah, a few.” She peeked over my shoulder at some of the games lying around. “I like Twisted Metal.”

“Good choice.” I began loading the game while she checked out the room.

“So . . .” She paused, hesitating over her next words. “You have any liquor?”

“You drink?” I asked, a little shocked. I didn’t know why I was surprised. It’s not like I didn’t know plenty of people at school who drank. Maybe it was the way she asked, like it tumbled off her tongue awkwardly rather than a natural question.

“Don’t all the kids in Catholic school drink and get crazy?” She looked over her shoulder, not quite meeting my eyes.

I couldn’t help but laugh. She wasn’t far off. Some fit the stereotype of being rich and bored and acting out. “Not as many as you might think.”

Her shoulders dropped as she exhaled. “Yeah, I don’t really either.” When I didn’t say anything to fill the stretch of silence, she continued. “Sorry. I’m really horrible at small talk.” She shrugged and let out a nervous laugh. “I tend to panic, say stupid things, and then immediately regret them.”

“No worries. I’m sure I say stupid things even when I have time to think them through.” She finally turned all the way around to face me, and for the first time she gave me what seemed to be a genuine smile. Her eyes squinted when the apples of her cheeks rose. And the lips that seemed too big earlier fit perfectly on her face. I shook my head so I wouldn’t stare too long. “Let me get the game set up. Then we can just trash talk each other.”

We both laughed and she turned to look at the pictures on the wall.

“You play soccer?” she asked, indicating my many team photos.

“Yeah, since I was little. I’m on varsity this year.”

“Cool.” She nodded her head. “I played when I was younger. For quite a few years actually.”

“Yeah? Why not anymore?”

“I sucked.” She laughed. “Like, not enough to stop playing. But enough that I only played for fun.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” I held out the controller, and she claimed it before sitting on the couch, leaving a cushion between us. “Do you do anything else?”

“I dance.” She paused before glancing at me from the corner of her eye. “But you already knew that.”

My hand moved to rub the back of my neck. “Yeah . . . sorry about that.” I may or may not have glimpsed her shadowy figure dancing behind her open blinds. Her head had turned to catch me. She’d stared for a minute before slowly closing the blinds.

“No problem. It wasn’t like I was naked. That would have placed you firmly in the creeper category.”

“I do my best to stay out of that one,” I said firmly. “So, do you take classes or anything?”

“I haven’t really looked for any studios past a Google search. I danced back home when I was younger and then danced for my high school team.”

“St. Agatha’s has a dance team. You should try out next year.”

“Yeah. Maybe,” she agreed noncommittally. “You ready to get your ass kicked?”

I rolled my eyes. “Puh-lease. I’m going to wipe the floor with you.”

***

After the party quieted down and Ana left, I’d gone straight to bed. I may have left my blinds open in hopes of getting a peek at her dancing again, but hers remained firmly closed. So instead, I lay back on my pillow and replayed the night in my head. We’d only just met, but there was something about her that made me feel comfortable enough to just be me with her. Even the friends I’d had since kindergarten made me feel like I always had to be “on.” Always had to be funny and say the right thing, wear the right clothes. For some reason, I imagined that with Ana, I’d be able to make a total fool out of myself and wear some raggedy old clothes and she would still laugh and treat me no differently.

My phone dinged from my nightstand. Squinting against the jarring brightness, I read the message.

Gwen: How was the party? Lame? Missed U 2nite.