Shame Me Not

“I just . . . I . . . I just wanted to make sure we’re okay. That you’re okay.”

The tightness increased. I wanted to stop the potential downfall from what we’d just done and relieve the pressure on my chest. So, I forced a smile and told him what I wanted to be true, whether it would be or not. “Of course we’re okay. I’m more than okay.”

“Good.” His tense shoulders relaxed and he smiled. “Good. Call me tonight, okay?”

“Okay.” Seeing his relief spurred mine and I was able to take a deep breath. My smile came easier, felt more natural, as I walked out the door.

Glancing back as I crossed the lawn, he stood at the door and waved the same way he’d always done.

Things were going to be fine.

But they weren’t fine.

Somehow Kevin and I had missed each other the whole weekend and had only exchanged simple messages filled with reasons to keep us apart. I saw him the first time as I walked past him in the hall at school. The bell was about to ring and all we got out was “hey” as we walked in opposite directions. But in the fleeting moment our eyes met, I saw the same questions and confusion that lay in mine.

Were we really just busy this weekend?

Were we avoiding each other?

Were things going to be weird?

Should we act differently?

Did we mess up?

Was it all a mistake?

Were we not okay like I said we would be?

Each thought was scarier than the last and the fact that I probably wasn’t alone in them hadn’t made me feel any better.

I barely heard anything in my morning classes, listening to the questions rolling around in my head, raising my anxiety with each passing minute I went without speaking to Kevin. Why hadn’t we talked about it more? Did we really walk away from each other with a kiss and nothing else?

Hindsight was twenty-twenty and all that.

When we sat down at lunch, it was awkward, but well hidden beneath everyone’s excited conversations about what they’d done over the summer. Chloe spouted on about how she’d vacationed in Jamaica with her family, while Gwen shared stories about her week in London. Sean took the chance to say hey to me, and I decided for my senior year, I wanted to just let it go, and said hey back.

I barely remembered the pain I’d felt at what Sean had done. It seemed minor when my best friend sat beside me like a stranger I didn’t know how to talk to.

We got a few looks from the group, but of course Sean, being the loud, no-holds-barred guy he was, was the first to bring it up. “What’s up with you two? You guys fuck over the summer and now you’re no longer friends?” He laughed at his own joke even before it was over.

I choked on my Gatorade and began laughing right along with him. Of course mine was more out of hysteria than finding it funny, but it masked my panic well. “I know, I know. Sleeping with Harding is pretty damn funny. AmIright, Gwen?”

Gwen just rolled her eyes. “You’re an idiot, Sean.” But she was laughing too. It kind of creeped me out how incestuous the table felt. As my manic laughter died down, I became aware of how stiff Kevin was beside me. He hadn’t said anything or even moved, sitting there like the guiltiest person I’d ever seen. It wasn’t that I didn’t want people to know Kevin and I’d had sex. It was that we hadn’t even had a chance to talk about it and I didn’t want it dissected and joked about by the masses.

Also, I didn’t want anyone to know about my sex life.

I knocked my knee into Kevin’s to get him to react. His head jerked toward me, and he stared me down with wide eyes. I knocked his knee again and raised my eyebrows trying to convey to him to say something.

He cleared his throat and smirked at Sean. “You’re just jealous you lost the chance, Hearst.”

“Oohs” and “Burns” were muttered at Kevin’s comeback. Sean laughed and played along. “All right, Harding. You finally convinced me to give you a go. But I get to be big spoon.”

“God, can I watch,” Chloe begged, her eyes glued to the guys. “All that hot man on man. Yes, please.”

“I’d give Kevin a go,” Jane said, jumping in. “I’m sure there’s nothing funny about what he’s got going on.”

Apparently, she’d grown a hell of a lot bolder over the summer. Or desperate.

“All serious business over here,” Kevin agreed.

My chest seized up at his flirtatious response. Did I have the right to be jealous? Fuck. I didn’t know. And I didn’t care. Seeing Jane drool over him and practically lay herself on a platter was starting a burn in my chest. Just watching her lick her lips at him and continue the banter made the heat rise up my neck.