Shame Me Not

Her glare made me laugh.

“Let’s make a pact.” I held out my hand for her to shake. She slipped her thin fingers around my palm and I held on tight. “Let’s put out applications to wherever our parents want us to apply, but we’ll go to UC together. We’ll be sure to live it up in the dorms freshman year, and then we’ll get an apartment together sophomore year.” Her smile lit up her face and my heart beat a million miles a minute at the excitement zipping between us. “Let’s go on this adventure together.”

“Hell, yes,” she agreed, pumping my hand hard. Even after the shake was done, we held on a little longer. We didn’t talk about why either of us didn’t let go, but it didn’t matter. If we didn’t talk about it, it didn’t exist. Right?

But our hands jerked apart when Gwen and Jane walked up to our table.

“This looks intimate,” Gwen joked.

I sat back and gave her my usual relaxed smile. “Nah, just kicking Ana’s ass in arm wrestling.”

Even though we all knew it was a lie, Ana couldn’t resist the challenge. “Whatever, I would kick your ass.”

Gwen laughed and made herself comfortable at our table. Jane swooped in to settle next to me. Every passing year since she’d shared her interest in me, she’d gotten a little more forward. Maybe she felt the pressure of senior year running out. Even if I wasn’t sure why Jane was doing it, normally I did my best to brush her off.

But that day, I played along because I enjoyed the way Ana’s scowl grew when she watched Jane touching my shoulder and giggling at something dumb I’d said.

But, like I’d said, we didn’t talk about the reason Ana would be jealous, because it didn’t exist.

Right?

Wrong.

Chapter Twenty

Ana

“Do you think you’ll ever find anyone who wants the same things we do?” Kevin asked from the lounger next to mine. It was the last day of classes before Christmas break, but the sky was clear and we were determined to sit out back and enjoy the stars. We’d grabbed blankets and sat on our loungers for all of ten minutes before we started shivering and came up with the plan to scoot closer and share blankets. Memories of the last time we were under the blankets together, heated me up faster than the fabric did.

Kevin’s question shocked me. We’d agreed that we could freely talk to each other about our mutual desires so we didn’t have to feel alone, but he’d never brought it up before. We’d both jumped on the bandwagon and avoided discussing anything sexual, despite how heavy it sat around us. Kevin must have been wondering if we’d find anyone for a while to have brought it up. I knew he had to be nervous to ask me.

“Well, I found you,” I teased.

My joke fell like a lead weight and Kevin stiffened beside me. Shit.

“I’m kidding, Kev.” Was I though? No matter how much we ignored what had happened and how much we didn’t talk about it, I thought about that night all the time. It was impossible to not look at him and remember every moment of that day. His body, his words, the way he made me feel.

Friend, my mind screamed. We were friends. That was all I needed. “I don’t know though if we will find anyone without actively searching. Do you?”

I watched his face glowing under the moonlight and his teeth sinking into his bottom lip before he answered. “I don’t know if I want to.”

The words landed like a heavy blow to my chest. I couldn’t help but take it personally. The pain didn’t make sense because we’d decided to never be that person for each other. But it felt like an admission that he wouldn’t want me even if we tried. And that hurt.

“It feels like a burden. I would be constantly worried about anyone finding out and then I’d be the senator’s son who caused a sex scandal. Just like the guy at school who made a sex tape they found. I couldn’t do that to my father. It feels like a disease that I’ll have to announce to a girl I want to have sex with.” He used a deep, fake voice. “No, I don’t have any STDs, but I do like to spank you and call you a slut. Maybe watch you gag a little. Just an FYI.”

I hated hearing him be so negative. “Kevin, no one would find out. It’s not like you want to document it. And if you find someone like us, you won’t have to explain anything.”

“But how many will walk away in disgust before that maybe happens?” he growled out the question in frustration.

I shifted my hand, linking my pinky with his and repeated what I’d told him before. “There is nothing wrong with you, Kev.” He gave a non-committal grunt, but he left his pinky linked with mine. “Have you . . .” I stuttered, unsure if I even wanted the answer to the question. But I pushed on because it wasn’t about me. I was being there for my friend. “Have you ever tried with anyone else?”