Shame Me Not

“You’re welcome, Janey-baby. You just got what all the boys want.” Jane lay on the floor where Chloe had left her, shaking from laughing so hard.

“Ooooh! I have an idea. Let’s share our dirtiest desires,” Gwen slurred out. Her suggestion was met with cheers and she turned to me. “Ana, you go first. What’s your deepest, darkest fantasy?”

I closed my eyes and didn’t have to think too hard to remember earlier in the week. “To have a stranger sneak up behind me and pin me down and fuck me. Control me. To tie me up and spank me hard.” I took another sip and giggled into my cup before continuing my confession. “I would love to fight him and feel the sting of his hand on me. Have him call me dirty names and take what he wants.”

A shiver broke out across my body, remembering the way it felt to have Kevin force himself inside me in one hard thrust. I bit my lip and looked up at the girls, taking a moment to bring their shocked faces into focus. Just seeing them all stare at me after the way Chloe admitted to fucking in a playground and then straddle Jane made me laugh. Once it started, I couldn’t stop. The others joined in slowly but eventually we all laughed.

“That’s intense as fuck, Ana,” Gwen stated.

“And detailed,” added Chloe.

“Yeah. Are you talking from experience or a fantasy?” Gwen asked.

“A girl never kisses and tells,” I mimed zipping my lips.

“Oh, fuck you. A lady always shares the dirty deets,” Jane challenged.

“God, what porn site are you on? Because I need to check it out,” Chloe muttered which brought us all back to laughing. God, we were a bunch of cackling hens.

When it was the other girls’ turns, they were a lot more timid than I expected and met with rebuttals.

“Oh you would never do it with two guys, Gwen,” Jane said.

“You’re right, I wouldn’t.”

When Chloe said she wanted to do missionary in a bed with a man she loves, there was momentary silence before Jane spit her drink across the room from laughing. “Hey! It’s crazy for me,” Chloe defended. “We all can’t be Ana with her filthy sex life over there.”

And the attention was back on me. Even in my drunk state, I couldn’t have ignored the way Jane watched me with keen eyes. I didn’t know what she saw on my face, mostly because I couldn’t feel my face, but she didn’t seem happy with my confession. Oh well.

“Says the girl who has sex in a playground tunnel,” I answered.

Chloe shrugged. “You’re right. We can’t all have crazy sex lives like mine, either.”

More confessions followed, but I’d done enough sharing for the night. I sat back and enjoyed the stories, feeling tired from all the alcohol. Even as I closed my eyes, just to give them a break, I listened to their ideas and ticked off the ones I’d already done with Kevin and the ones I wanted to remember to do with him later.

Just like always, he was the last thing on my mind before falling asleep. No different than how it’d been for the last two years.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Kevin

Spring break had finally arrived and I couldn’t have been happier for the week Ana and I would basically have alone. We’d been sneaking around for the past few months and between soccer practice and our parents, we didn’t have much alone time. However, when we did, we took advantage of it. And I was always careful to make sure we never got caught, even if the illusion of it remained. Having someone catch us and possibly take a photo of the senator’s son would be the end of everything.

But all that mattered was that she trusted me. Her trust in me allowed her the freedom to bask in the excitement and pleasure. Every small part of her giving in to me fueled my need. Made me feel like king of the world.

So, having so much time over spring break filled my chest to almost bursting. I tapped my fingers on my desk knowing Ana would be there any minute since I’d watched her leave her room. Before she arrived, I rushed to open my laptop and brought up the video I’d been watching earlier.

That was how Ana and I worked. We would sit together and search sites for videos and get ideas for the things we wanted to try. Watching porn had always been a quiet moment in the dark, my heart racing, hoping no one would find out. But with Ana, it was a whole new world and it turned me on to watch her react to the depraved things we found to watch. In our Google searches, we’d stumbled upon endless websites dedicated to others who enjoyed some of the things that we did. Reading the forums released a vice that had been around my chest since I’d had my first fantasy.