Shame Me Not

It was as though we were the only people in the bar. Despite the distance, I recognized the gray-blue eyes that haunted my dreams. Even from a distance, I could still read them.

My heart skipped a beat when her shoulders lifted with a heavy sigh and one side of her lips tipped up. I smiled back, just as someone slammed into me, pulling me from our moment. My arms immediately wrapped around the tiny force that almost took both of us down and collided with Katelyn’s glazed eyes. “Hey, handsome,” she slurred.

Not answering, I looked up and saw Ana still watching with a furrowed brow before the guy that twirled her earlier got her attention. He said something and Ana nodded. She set her drink down and they began making their way to the door, which was behind me.

My world began to tilt and I didn’t know if it was from the alcohol or from the fact that I’d stopped breathing as I watched her approach. When they got close enough, Katelyn spoke, making me jump, having forgotten she was still hanging on me. “Hey, Andrew. Long time no see.”

The guy with his hand on Ana’s lower back stopped and acknowledged Katelyn. “Oh, hey Katie. Fancy seeing you here.” He came over to us. Katelyn responded, but I didn’t hear it. My eyes, my entire focus, remained solely on Ana.

I watched her throat work up and down with a swallow before her lips parted. “Hi,” she whispered. The word wrapped around me and sank inside me with the comfort only Ana could bring. This was my best friend. The person I’d shared everything with. The person I missed more than anything. I thought I was good, but with just that one word, she made me feel better than I’d felt in three years.

“Hey, Ana.”

Katelyn and Andrew talked animatedly next to us while we stood frozen, taking each other in. She was more gorgeous than I remembered. She was a girl in my memories, but before me stood a woman. Her eyes held more experiences than when she’d left me, and I felt desperate to hear all of them. Her eyes were almost level with mine as she wore a pair of heels bringing her five foot seven body closer to six feet. She wore thick tights and a white dress that hugged her and displayed her breasts. I couldn’t look away.

But then the scent of vanilla hit me. Purely Ana. I breathed it in and it sunk into my brain, evoking memories that began to crash over me. Her naked body beneath me, entwined with mine. The way her soft delicate skin felt beneath my fingers, the way it gave under my teeth. Her smile as she lay next to me on the lounger sharing the details of her day, her pinky locked with mine. All of it was too much and not enough.

“Hey Kevin, this is Andrew,” Katelyn’s voice interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to the present. I didn’t want to look away from Ana, but social skills ingrained by my mother forced me to turn and give Andrew my attention. He offered his hand, and I begrudgingly took it. “We’ve had some classes together. Survived English two years ago. Brutal.”

They both laughed and I wondered how well Andrew and Katelyn knew each other. She still had her arm wrapped around me, but showed a familiarity with Andrew like she did with me. Like she knew how he fucked.

“Hey, Kevin. Nice to meet you. This is-.”

“Ana,” I cut in. We didn’t need introductions. I didn’t know how long he’d known her, but he couldn’t know her like I did. He didn’t know how she tasted, how she laughed, or how she looked when she fought off tears because she was trying to be too strong to cry. He didn’t know her like I did.

“You two know each other?”

“We went to high school together,” Ana explained.

Such a simple explanation. Too simple for what we were.

Ana was the greatest and worst part of who I was. And she stood before me, reminding me of it all. I couldn’t help but wonder what she saw when she looked at me. Could she see the difference from the boy and the man? Or did she only see the past and how I’d hurt her? It was too much to take in, given the state of my alcohol-infused brain.

Between the excited shock of seeing Ana and the alcohol burning through my veins, I struggled to find the words to say. I wanted to say anything to keep her there, but my tongue felt thick and my brain slow. “Let me . . . Let me buy you a drink.”

“Actually, we were just getting ready to head out,” Andrew said, declining for her.

Fuck. Fuck Andrew. My brain scrambled to come up with a different plan, but it stumbled over itself, unable to function past staring at Ana.