Shame Me Not

“Are you staying at home?”

“No, I share an apartment close to campus with a girl who is almost always gone. I originally wanted to stay with my mom, but she wanted me to have the ‘full college experience.’” I hooked my fingers into quotes. “In the end, we agreed that she would accept a nurse aide coming to check on her.”

He nodded, but the teacher walked in to start class and halted his response. I did my best to take notes and listen to what the teacher was saying, but having Kevin next to me was too big to ignore. I was surprised I didn’t pass out because I was barely able to regulate my breathing the whole class. When the professor finally released us, I wasted no time packing up my bag while trying to avoid looking over at Kevin.

Tossing my backpack over my shoulder, I stood, ready to bolt. “See ya, Kev.”

“Have lunch with me,” he blurted to my retreating back. “Please.”

It took me a moment to consider all the options, but it was hard to find a negative when my whole body screamed at me to say yes. I only turned enough to glance over my shoulder at him. “Okay.”

His smile lit me up and made my chest feel like it was going to explode and collapse all at once. “I have class, but maybe in two hours. The coffee shop at the University Center?”

“Okay.” The word was barely out of my mouth before I was wondering what the hell I was thinking.

Opening the door to the University Center, I kept my head down and muttered a pep talk to myself about how it would all be okay. People gave me a wide berth since I looked like a lunatic, but I didn’t have time to worry about others. Calming my racing heart and trembling fingers took priority over social acceptance.

Taking one last deep breath, I shook out my hands and looked up, lifting my chin high and unafraid before entering the coffee shop. My eyes immediately sought out Kevin and his still-perfect, chocolate hair. God, I was jealous of how effortlessly he ran his hands through his hair and it just stayed there, perfectly, waiting for me to do the same.

Focus, Ana.

Putting a smile on my face, I took a step toward the back and froze.

The girl that clung to his side at the bar came from the back hall and landed on his lap. My jaw clenched, and iciness settled in my chest at seeing his easy smile and the way his hands held her waist.

I hated her.

The thought shocked me with how easy it formed. What was wrong with me? Where had that come from? I knew the feeling well from high school. Jealousy. But why now? I had no reason to be jealous of who Kevin spent his time with. We’d spoken to each other all of ten minutes in the past three years, and how it had ended didn’t scream “wait for me.”

No matter the rationality of it, the feeling still settled around me, and it hurt. Looking away, I chickened out and decided to wait until she left. By the time I had ordered a drink, she was leaving. Kevin kissed her cheek but didn’t let his eyes linger as she walked away. He started to look down in his book, but stopped, instead lifting his head to scan the crowd as though he was looking for someone, as though he knew I was already there.

“Black coffee, ma’am?” the barista pulled my attention back to the counter.

“Yes. Thank you.” I grabbed my coffee and looked back over to find Kevin staring at me, his lips barely tipped up. I saw the smile in his eyes and the familiarity hit me in the chest. How many times had I found his eyes shining with the same happiness that I felt inside just by seeing him? Tears burned the backs of my eyes, and I looked down until I got them under control.

This was too much. Coming home, I knew my chances of seeing Kevin increased, but I figured I could avoid him. Avoid my emotions about how we’d ended things. Mostly my mind was consumed with my mom and being there for her. The transfer took up so much of my time, I hadn’t had too much of it to dwell on the possibilities.

When I let myself, I’d thought I’d be angry and shun him. Faced with reality, I realized I just wanted to be in his presence again. I never took into consideration that the old feelings would be more prominent than the pain. The full force of my Kevin-centered emotions made it impossible to process anything with him staring at me.

Either way, I shoved them down and made my way to him. Ever the gentleman, he stood and pulled out my chair. I ignored the way he tugged it around the table until I was practically next to him, rather than across. I sat and fiddled with my coffee cup, turning it in circles, waiting for him to talk.