Shame Me Not

Ana was mine.

Until she wasn’t. She’d expressed her fears when we’d graduated college, but it was so long ago, so soon coming off from the horrible incident she’d endured in Nashville.

But now, it’d been years of discovery. She’d even told me that she’d realized she wasn’t normal. I thought we were finally going to be together. I’d been so ill-prepared for the fears that still haunted her.

And sitting at that bar, I dug for strength, because we’d been scared and angry and not rational. I’d been unprepared for the argument and let my anger push me to quit. Ten years and piles of fear we’d lugged around with us was not going to hold us back. I wouldn’t let it hold us back.

I gathered my thoughts on the walk back to the apartment. I thought about the ways to make it work, because I couldn’t lose her again and I’d never settle for friends. I needed to convince her we could work, not using sex and satisfaction to coax her. We needed to talk.

I knew she wouldn’t be at the apartment, but I almost ran back anyways, eager to put my plan in action, preparing my words. Hopefully, time would calm her like it had me, because I needed to apologize.

Opening the door, I muttered my words over and over, practicing them to perfection. I tossed my keys and turned, almost stumbling over my feet at seeing her sitting on my couch.

“Ana,” I whispered her name and she turned to me with tear-streaked cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

“I’m sorry. So, so sorry Kevin. I panicked and didn’t think. I do trust you, and I know you would never hurt me. I’m sorry,” she choked out, ending on a hiccup. She opened her lips to say more, but I held up my hand.

“Stop.” Digging my hands into my hair, I tried to catch my breath. Staring at her, I wanted to run and pull her into my arms, kiss her fears and pain away. But I reminded myself that I wanted to talk to her without sex and seduction. Instead, I walked to the kitchen, getting myself under control with my back to her.

“Okay.” Her soft voice reached across the space separating us. “I should go. I’m sorry I stayed.”

“What?” I jerked around. She thought I wanted her to go. “No. Jesus, Ana.” Rounding the island, I approached her with my hands out. “Stop running from me. Please. Just stop running.” When I reached her, I carefully grabbed her hands and linked my pinkies with hers. “Let’s sit down.”

We moved back to the couch where she took her seat and I sat on the coffee table. I licked my lips and waited for her to lift her eyes to mine. When she did, I wanted to break my promise and hold her. Instead, I held tight to her pinkies and started talking.

“You have fears and I get that. This is not a normal life, but it’s ours, and I intend to finish it the same way we started.” Her brows pinched, waiting for me to explain. “With you. I won’t do this without you.” She bit her lip when it trembled and I pushed on. “We always knew communication was key, and we missed that this past month. So, you need to talk to me, because Ana, I’m not giving up on you this time. I can’t. I’ve let you walk away two too many times, and I won’t do it again.”

Tears began streaming down her cheeks, but I held strong, not reaching out. If she turned me down, I wasn’t sure what I’d do, wasn’t sure I could’ve been held responsible for my actions. But in that moment, I fought to remain still.

“I won’t,” Ana choked out shaking her head.

“You won’t?” I asked, not sure I’d heard correctly or just imagined what I needed to hear.

“No, Kev. I won’t run. I was a bitch and I’m sorry. I panicked and I didn’t talk to you. But you’ve always been my rock and I threw it away to my fears. I don’t want to be scared anymore.”

“Ana, you don’t have to be. You don’t want marks, then no marks. No scratches, pinches, smacks, bites, or bruises.” I would’ve promised my soul away if it kept her in front of me. “If compromise is what is needed to keep you, then you’ve got it. We can discover our needs around that. We can figure this out just like we did before.” I wasn’t too proud to beg. “Just don’t give up on me. Please. I can be what you need.”

She fell off the couch to her knees, resting our joined hands on my thighs as she looked up at me with wet, pleading eyes. “Kevin. Shh. I love you. I always have. Just you.” She pulled her pinkies out and reached up to grasp my cheeks, pulling me down to her lips. I kissed her desperately, with all the promises I would make for her. Her perfect cupid’s bow top lip fitting perfectly between mine, such a relief after thinking I’d never feel it again. She loved me. It roared like a flame through me.