Southern Sunrise (Southern 4)

Standing on the top step and looking down at him, I remember how I used to stand and look at him and how he used to take my breath away. But now, I’m seeing him with his white shirt on, his tattoo on his forearm, the hard look in his eyes, and his muscles much bigger than before. His legs are thicker than last time. Now not only does he take my breath away but he also stops my heart, and I hate it. “You are never getting it back,” I spit at him. “I don’t know what game you’re playing, Ethan, but I’m not playing it with you.”

“I would never play that game with you, Em,” he says the words so soft, and then he trails off at the end when he says my name, shaking his head. “Never. Not before and not now, especially with you.”

“Then what the fuck is this?” I throw my hands up. “This is the third time you’ve shown up at my door. Three. I thought after I told you that you shouldn’t be here, you would respect me and just let me be.” I take a deep inhale. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” My voice gets higher, and I take one step down, closer to him. “Do you think this is easy for me?” I don’t even know if I’m asking him or telling him. “Do you think seeing you doesn’t do anything do me? Do you think it’s easy for me? I can’t keep doing this with you.” I’m almost pleading him. “I don’t want to do this with you. You left me.” I point at my chest. “You left me,” I repeat. “So you don’t get to be hurt or angry or want things. You don’t get that.”

“Just because I left doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt,” he says, and I wonder if his hugs would make me feel just as they did before. I wonder if I would feel invincible as long as I was in his arms. I wonder how many other people felt that in his arms, and then I shake my head as the tears start to sting my eyes.

“Being away from you was the hardest thing I ever did.” He shakes his head and looks down. “But I had to do it for me. I had to find out what kind of man I was.” He puts his hands on his head. “How could I be the right man for you if I didn’t even know what man I was inside me?” He puts his hands on his chest, and for the first time, I see the turmoil he must have gone through. “I was lost.” His voice is almost broken. “I was empty, Sunrise.” I don’t tell him not to call me that; I just listen to him. “No matter how much I loved you, I didn’t love me.”

“Why can’t you just let me be?” I blink away the tears, but one escapes, and it slowly rolls down my cheek. “Why can’t you just let me be? I was moving on.” I put my hand on my stomach to calm the nerves down, ignoring the fact that I used the past tense instead of I am moving on. “I’m engaged, and I’m getting married. I have a right to be happy.”

“Do you love him?” When he asks his question, my heart beats so hard and so fast in my chest that I think for sure he is going to hear it. “I just need to know if you love him.” He puts one hand on the railing.

“Why are you doing this?” I shout. I don’t stop myself. “Why?”

“Tell me you love him.” He almost dares me.

“Will that make you leave me alone?” I ask, and he looks down, but when he looks up again, I get lost in his eyes. “Will you walk away and leave me alone if I tell you that?” I don’t wait for him to answer.

“I love him,” I say in a soft whisper, and I turn to walk into the house. I slam the door this time, locking it behind me. I turn off all the lights and force myself not to open the door again. I force myself not to go to him and ask if he found someone. I try to force myself not to even think about him, but I fail at that one.

I sit in the bathtub until the water turns cold. The only thing I can see in my head is his eyes, his look. The way he spoke of how he felt when he left, and the desperation in his words to be the man who I know he is. When I slip into bed naked, I look over at the red numbers glowing on the clock and see it’s almost eleven.