“So, how are you otherwise?” Bill asked me.
“What do you mean?” I knew what he was getting at.
“Well, I’ve noticed you are much more prone to this element of danger and excitement in your life since that night. And you refuse to really talk much about that night. And your shrink, you only went to him twice. He agreed that you need to talk about it and you refused. I just want to make sure you are ok.”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“You keep saying that, but I would love to hear more of an elaboration on your part.”
I groaned. “I’m tired of talking about this. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“You won’t talk about it, honey. I’m worried about you. I know it’s eating you up inside. You had to kill. That sort of thing doesn’t just wash over you. It sticks with you until you find a healthy way to deal with it.”
“I’m dealing. Can’t you see?”
“I can see you are hiding from your feelings, trying to mask your pain with adrenaline. You are running, you are staring death in the face because you are still scared.”
I sighed. He was right. I knew he was and he was hitting the nail on the head. He was so good at figuring people out, at pinpointing their weak spots and going after them. He knew I was struggling and so did I. And I was so damn tired of it.
“Ok, you’re right. I am scared. I’m afraid that I am able to kill someone. I’m afraid that I crossed that line and I’m not sure I can go back. It changes you. It gets inside of you. And I’m afraid I’m not really me anymore. And I’m afraid that somehow this isn’t really over. I’m afraid that someday I’m going to have to be forced to fight for my life again and I don’t know if I can allow myself to do it because then I will be forever lost, so I might as well be gone. I’m just so confused. I’m so mixed up.”
“Then you need to talk to a professional. But you have to trust. You have to drop your guard. You have to open up to them.”
I sighed. I hated having this conversation and why now of all times did he bring this up? Fuck. But I knew it was important and he was doing it because he loved me and he wanted to see me back to my old self again. I wanted that as well.
I hugged his arm tightly as we walked along. I was feeling so loved. I was constantly reminded why I married this man and why I loved him so much. He really cared and he would always be there for me.
“I just don’t know what to tell them when I’m on that couch. They are just sitting across from me staring me down, judging me, and expecting me to open up to a complete stranger. It is beyond daunting. I don’t know how to do that.”
“You just have to pretend you are talking with a friend. You have to droop your guard and let them in. It’s their job to help you.”
“Ok,” I said. “I’ll try.”
We got in the car and drove to a great lunch spot. The food was amazing. I ate so much I felt like I was going to split apart at the seams and fall by the wayside. It felt good. Vacation was a time in your life when you could indulge in all the bad foods you wanted without feeling at all guilty and just go completely nuts. That was what I was doing now. I loved it. And after the honeymoon was over I’d hit the salads and the treadmill for a few weeks to drop the weight.
We finally made our way back to the hotel suite and settled in for the afternoon and evening to watch some television and just relax with each other. I wanted to do more but I was really tired. I was having a blast with the honeymoon, sightseeing and trying all these new and wonderful things, but I was really ready for something else. I wanted to get back to our regular lives, back to my work and really just back to some normalcy. The past few months had been such a hectic whirlwind as we tried to get everything ready for the wedding. It was a nice distraction for me to work on all this stuff so I didn’t have to worry about the crazy memories and thoughts in my head. I could just forget about the pain I was in and focus on something positive. But now that was kind of over and the pain was still there. Bill was right; I had to talk to somebody.
After a little bit of television Bill and I decided to get active since it was still early. I was tired but I knew that I needed something to bust me out of this little funk I was in after the adrenaline crash. So, we decided to go down to the hotel gym and get a workout in.