“Anything I need to worry about?” His tone is too neutral. It’s making me too paranoid to even turn around to look at him. “Everything is running smoothly, right? Only the late nights and early mornings…”
“I’m just keen, that’s all.” I attempt to make a laughing sound emanate from me, but it’s far too strangled a noise for that. “Trying to prove myself and my worth to the company, that’s all.”
“Oh, I see.” I dart my eyes towards him to see Zack focused solely on the coffee machine as it pours him a drink. “Well, you are doing some great work here, so I wouldn’t worry too much.”
“Right, thank you.” I need to get away. I still might have time. “Well, I need to get to my desk…”
“Yes, I will come with you.” My heart sinks. Zack isn’t giving me a moment alone. But he’s talking to me as if he knows nothing which has me incredibly confused. I don’t know what’s happening. “I want to take a look at my schedule for the day. See what meetings I have set up if that’s okay?”
Of course, all I can say is yes. What does he think is going to happen? But that doesn’t stop me from shaking all over during the walk over to the desk. I’m sure that Zack must be able to see it, but still he says nothing. Not about the video anyway. He makes a lot of small talk with me which I do my best to answer in a calm and collected way. This is the most surreal morning of my entire life so far.
Zack hangs around by my desk as I show him the schedule. If he spots my eyes darting over to his desk every so often in my desperation to access it before he does, he doesn’t let it show. He allows me to get myself all worked up, more desperate with every passing second, messier all the time.
My brain races with excuses, with ideas, with words to say to make it okay for me to get to his computer but I know that none of them are going to work out. There isn’t any way that I can make this work for me without seeming incredibly suspicious. All I can really do is sit here like a fucking idiot while he goes over to his computer to watch it right in front of me. I will remain where I am while my life falls apart around me.
“Well, if that’s everything…” I’m helpless, I feel useless as Zack walks towards his desk. I need to stop him, I should say something, anything, but I don’t know what. This is my own personal hell. I wonder if this is the nightmare after all. I would love nothing more than to wake up from this now.
“Erm…” Why can’t I speak? Why am I nodding? Oh God, this is awful.
I cling on to the sides of my chair as Zack takes his seat. I can’t take my eyes off of him while he shuffles some papers on his desk. If I didn’t know better, then I would assume that he’s taunting me, messing with me somehow, ignoring my stares on purpose while he makes me sweat… but I don’t think Zack is like that. He doesn’t play games in that way, especially not of the sexy variety that I can imagine, so this must be genuine. He is just causally getting some stuff done before he finally turns on the computer and sees everything.
God, I can’t stand this. This is too much for me, I can’t stand how his face will change when he sees the video, how he will look at me like I’m a different person, worthless probably. He will look at me in the negative way that I’m seeing myself right now which I can’t stand. I almost want to run out of here right now…
But then the strangest thing happens. Or more, nothing happens. Zack finally gets to his computer and he starts working without looking at anything. I don’t get any horrified glances, and yells, I’m not fired. He is simply acting like nothing has happened at all, like the video of me doesn’t even exist…
Did I delete it? I don’t know if maybe I did in my state of panic just as Emma walked in. I don’t remember doing so, but it might have been an instinctive reaction, in which case I have been worried for nothing. A strange ice-cold relief begins to flow through me because I might be safe after all. I might get away with this.
Of course, I will have to check the computer myself to be one hundred percent certain that it’s gone, but I might well be able to relax just a little bit for now because if everything was going to fall apart then surely, it would have done so already.