Beauty in the Broken

Lina

When I wake up, Russell is there. It’s Russell who puts a straw to my lips and offers me water. It’s Russell who keeps the media away from my door and brings me a bag with my clothes, as well as a new smartphone the next day.

The fact that Damian isn’t here hurts. I don’t understand, but I’m not going to ask Russell for an explanation my husband owes. If Damian isn’t man enough to tell me to my face we’re over, so be it. We’ve been through more than what any couple should have to handle. Some damages are beyond repair.

When the doctor signs my discharge, I get dressed in the luxury of my private bathroom and brush my hair. Russell waits at the door. He takes my bag and leads me to his car in the parking lot. I get inside and buckle up without asking where we’re going. During the ride, he’s quiet. The bearers of bad news carry the kind of tenseness that sits in his shoulders, which is why I still ask nothing when we drive past Erasmuskloof and head toward the Vaal River. I’m not surprised when he pulls up at the cottage.

We sit in silence with him clenching the steering wheel and me staring at the water. After what feels like forever, he opens his mouth, but I’m not sure I can handle what he has to say. I shake my head, at which he clamps his lips together. With a sigh, he takes an envelope from the cubbyhole and places it on my lap.

It’s the first time I permit myself to speak. “What’s this?”

“Damian asked me to give it to you.”

I don’t want to open it, but I’d rather know what awaits me before I get out of the safety of the car and walk toward my future.

My fingers tremble as I break the seal and pull out a stash of documents. The first is the deed to the house, in my name. The second is a bank statement. Damian not only transferred my full inheritance, but he’s also paying a ridiculously big monthly allowance. The third is divorce papers. I don’t look at the other documents. A knot gets stuck in my throat. It feels as if my heart is wrenched out. This is why Damian didn’t come to the hospital. He’s finally done it. He set me free. I should be exuberant, but all I feel is a hollowness in my chest. Chewing my lip, I let the knowledge settle. My eyes remain dry. The shock will come later. I’m selfish about my pain. I want to suffer this in privacy. No one else deserves a part of it, not even Russell who helped to save me.

Russell’s voice sounds strange after such a long silence. “You all right?”

Reaching for the door handle, I nod. The essence of the days to come is survival. I’ll fill the hours with packing, moving, and unpacking. I’ll buy furniture and hang curtains. I’ll keep myself busy with starting a new life until I’m ready to face my losses.

“Wait.” Russell grabs my arm and flicks his gaze to the stack of papers in my hand. “You missed some.”

Reluctantly, I move the divorce papers to the back of the pack and look at the next document. It’s a certificate signed by Reyno. I focus and refocus my eyes. My sanity. He’s given me back my right to work, have a bank account, buy property, and make decisions. The emotional dry spell that’s been haunting me since the kidnapping breaks. Tears build in my eyes. The saltiness stings. For the first time in my life, I’m an independent adult. I’m free to make my own choices, and no one can stop me. The beauty of the gesture dawns on me. Damian isn’t giving me a clean break because he doesn’t care for me. He’s giving me freedom because he loves me. Clutching the papers to my chest, I inhale deeply, savoring the biggest love declaration of my life.

“There’s one more,” Russell says.

I’m my own woman. The house of my dreams belongs to me. Damian Hart loves me enough to let me go. I’ve made my peace with my past on that tower. I promised myself if I get out of there alive, I’d live every moment without regrets. What Damian and I had was perfect in its imperfection. We found beauty in our ugly worlds. I was just too damaged to see it. I have love, the deep and profound kind you sense on first sight and carry to your grave and into forever. I had Damian. I found a soul mate, and even if he never wants to see me again for the warped reasons he conjured in his mind, I’ll never need a single thing more.