“You’re the man,” I say on a chuckle, planting a kiss on his forehead.
As he drains every drop in the bottle, I’m fully in the moment, devouring each second of the precious gift.
“First time giving a baby a bottle?” Valentina asks with a twinkle in her eyes.
“Hell, yeah.”
“Not too bad.” She winks and plants a kiss on my cheek.
Just like that, my resistance crumbles. All of my supposedly steadfast intentions fall like battle-beaten soldiers. One more kiss, a fleeting moment of weakness, a never-ending memory, and I’m dating Valentina Louw, the woman who knocked my feet from under me, the mother of my child.
In the weeks that follow, our dating becomes official. Regular. We’re an item. With the start of winter, we go to indoor playgrounds with Connor. When Kris or Rhett and Quincy can watch Connor, we stay in and make love. I touch Valentina every second I can. Every moment is like borrowed time. Treasured. Whatever we do, I always let her take the lead. She introduces me to her friends as Gregor Malan, and they accept me without question or resistance. Everyone is eager for her to find the happiness she deserves, and I’m flattered that they think I’m the guy for the job. The only issue that spoils this new development is the lie that stands big and ugly between us.
The closer I grow to Valentina in this new relationship, the more torn-up I become. My deceit punishes me in every waking hour and pierces my heart at night. Guilt finds me even in my dreams. She deserves better. She deserves the truth. As my love keeps on overtaking every other emotion and purpose in my life, I know what I have to do.
I have to come clean.
I have to lose her.
Again.
The evening I make the decision, I spend the night on my knees. I kneel on the tiles with my forehead on my fisted hands, wishing for forgiveness and knowing I won’t get it. When I face her tomorrow, she’ll hate me.
Waiting until a decent hour, I call and ask her to come over after work. Alone. I don’t want to do this in front of Connor or my ex-bodyguards. What I have to say is meant for her ears alone. For the rest of the day, I pace around the house, reciting my speech in my head, but no words sound right. Finally, I settle for the simple truth.
“I died to give you freedom. I died because I love you. I’m still dying, a little every day, and I’ll keep on doing so if it’ll give you the happiness I stole from you.”
Too damn dramatic.
I face myself in the bathroom mirror, trying again. “I’m not the man you think I am. I’m…”
Fuck.
I drag a hand through my hair. Who am I? “I’m a ghost of the man who kidnapped and impregnated you.” Scrap that. “I’m the man who loves you.”
She’ll hate me more than before, but it’s the right thing to do. Maybe the most honorable thing I’ve ever done in my life. I give the strange face in the mirror a glance before I head for the shower to get ready. If this is the last time I face Valentina, the least I can do is pay her the courtesy of looking presentable.
Valentina
Until today, things moved slowly between me and Gabriel, or Gregor, as I got used to calling him. We date like two normal people. There have been plenty of opportunities to tell him I know the truth, but I want him to tell me when he’s ready. I can’t tell him how I feel until he confesses. If he’s not ready to listen to me as Gabriel, he’s not ready to listen to me as Gregor.
Then came his phone call today. There was something in his tone, a faint tremble in the deep timber of his voice. My hands shake as I fit the new red dress and twist my hair into a bun. What if he doesn’t want to see us, any longer? No, I have to be positive. Gabriel may not love me like I love him, but he needs me. He wanted me alive, enough to make me pregnant. That counts for something, doesn’t it?
Connor cooes on the play carpet. I pick him up, burying my nose in his hair. “I love you, baby. So much.”
A pang of sadness invades my heart as it always does when I have to leave him, even for a few hours.
“He’ll be fine,” a voice says from the door.
I turn to take in Kris’ soft, compassionate smile. Wonderful Kris who always understands.
She holds out her hands. “Give him here and go have yourself some fun.”
I kiss my baby’s head before handing him over.
Kris looks me up and down. “You look beautiful.”
Absentmindedly, I rub a finger over the stub of my thumb. “You think so?”