More Than Need You (More Than Words 2)

Most people think it’s titled “Time of Your Life” or some similar crap, but that’s just the sentiment of the song.

As I listen to the lyrics, so many things ring true immediately. It’s about turning points and forks in the road, making the best of tests in front of you and learning over time. Yes. To all of that, yes. And if the last three years has taught me anything, it’s echoed in the next line. What’s happening is unpredictable, but being with Britta and Jamie? Despite the discord and the uncertain future, I am having the time of my life being with them both. So I’ll preserve the still frames in my mind and tattoo the memories in good time. Whatever happens, this was worth all the while. Even if Britta chooses Makaio in the end, I will always have this period to look back on and remember.

Will it be enough if I wind up alone?

I listen to the song three times and imprint each word to memory. Keeley has always used music to process how she’s feeling. I’ve never really understood why. It seemed like something a high-school girl does. But I’m seeing that at times—like now—songs help me understand what’s in my head and heart when I can’t exactly put everything into words. Or when I’ve buried my emotions so deep the right song will dredge whatever I’m feeling up.

I don’t love the experience…but ultimately it’s better than suffering without really understanding why.

When I see Britta come back into the room, she still looks red-eyed. I lift the headphones from my ears and pause the music.

“Now you know what had me stirred up.” She gestures to the headphones.

“Yeah. Did you listen to more of the CD?”

“I started at the beginning.” She pauses. “Keeley made this for you? And these songs represent how you feel?”

“Yes.”

In the past, I would have danced around the truth. Telling Britta too much about what was going on with me would be too revealing. Now I’m not afraid to express the tangle of thoughts and pangs, aches and desperation. I want her to know she has power over me. She always has.

“She must know you well.” Britta sounds torn about that.

“She sees through me a lot. I’d like to be annoyed or weirded out by that. I was when we first met. But now, I admit it’s kind of nice.”

“Then I’m glad you two are friends. Keeley seems really lovely.”

I take Britta’s hands. “And that’s all we are. That’s all we ever have been. I wasn’t sure how to wrap my head around it when she first got together with my brother, but now I’m happy I’ll be calling her my sister.”

Tears well in Britta’s eyes. “Maybe we should talk about this.”

“Keeley?” When she shakes her head, I lift the CD case. “The music?”

“No.” Wisps of her golden hair come tumbling from her haphazard updo. “Us.”

Oh, thank god.

Still rubbing her hands between mine, I nod and sit on the sofa. “Let’s do that, angel. I’m here for no other reason than to convince you that I intend to make you and Jamie happy forever.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to process that.”

“I can’t not tell you the truth.”

Britta mulls that for a moment, then nods. “I’m just at a loss. I never expected to have you in my life again, much less as something more than Jamie’s father. I have no idea what to do.”

“I know I’m not making anything easy on you. I’m sorry. If you break things off with Makaio, I’ll do my best to downshift so we can grow our relationship more slowly—”

“You can’t expect me to end my engagement before I’ve even figured out how I feel.” Her expression holds a hint of apology. She knows I want that—and more—from her and she’s sorry she can’t give it to me now.

“Then tell me how you and I can proceed, beyond what we’re doing?”

“Can you give me a little breathing room?”

“No.” I say the word softly. I can’t candy-coat the truth or change the hand I’ve been dealt. “When he moved up the timetable of your wedding, he was putting me on notice. Did you realize that?”

She shakes her head. “He said he just didn’t see the point of waiting and—”

“He also wasn’t about to give me an opportunity to woo you away. He was letting me know that he’s aware of my intentions. That date was a giant fuck you to me. I only have this small span of time to work with. So I have to use every moment of every day that I have to make you see how good being married to me would be. I’ll bet he wasn’t thrilled when you said you would be moving in with me temporarily.”

She hesitates. “No.”

“How did you get him to agree?”

“I told Makaio there was no other way to convince you to sign away your rights so he could adopt Jamie. He didn’t like it but…” She wrings her hands in her lap. “Ultimately, he made me promise him something before he would agree to let me come here.”

“What?” I have a suspicion and I don’t like it.

“That I could never see you again.”

I sit back, fists clenched, and nearly lose my temper. I take a deep breath and calm myself with two important facts: One, in Makaio’s shoes, I probably would have wedged a similar promise out of Britta. Two, I understand his game completely. Sadly for him, I’m just better at playing.

“Then let’s work things out so you don’t make a mistake and marry him.”

Britta bites her lip so hard it blushes bright red as she tries to hold back tears. “I’ve spent three years thinking I knew precisely who you were. Gorgeous, cocky, funny, possessive, sexy…and at the same time self-absorbed, aloof, quick to blame, slow to trust, even slower to commit. Last night, that engagement ring…” She shudders as she inhales to keep the tears at bay. “You made me question everything. I’ve spent our time apart believing that our relationship meant far more to me than to you, that you were never the sort of man who was going to simply love a woman for the rest of your life, that you could never care about me enough to stay and be faithful and—”

“You’re wrong. Not about being self-absorbed. Or having difficulties trusting. But the rest…”

“Why? Why couldn’t you trust me?”

I wave her away. If she can’t handle the number of women I slept with during our split, the rest of my past will blow her mind. She’ll never look at me the same. “Shitty childhood. You’ve met my parents.”

She winces. “They’re terrible people.”

“Exactly.” And hopefully that’s all I ever have to say again about that topic. I couldn’t stand it if she looked at me like some psycho-sexual monster. “But you’re wrong about the way I felt back then. Our relationship meant everything. I did want to love you forever, faithfully. I wanted to marry you and…” Fuck, now I’m getting choked up. “I didn’t know how to tell you then, and I’m trying to now.”

“I just wish you hadn’t waited until I was engaged to someone else.”

Her whisper rips at me. I wish I had a good answer other than I should have pulled my head out of my ass sooner. But I don’t. I can only try to move her forward with me.

“I didn’t coerce you to live with me until your wedding day to make your life hell. I did it to prove that we belong together. If you didn’t believe, at least a little bit, that I might be right, this situation would be easy for you. You would tell me to fuck off. You might acknowledge me as Jamie’s father and make me fight out visitation in the courts, but you wouldn’t have anything to do with me. We’re here because what you feel for me is more than the remnants of first love. There’s something else between us. Can you admit that much?”