Dubious (The Loan Shark Duet 1)

The door opens, and a nurse enters. “You’re awake.” She looks at the chart by the foot of the bed and adjusts the drip in my arm. “Ready for visitors? Mr. Louw is anxious to see you.”

I’m not. I want to be alone to process what happened.

“Push the button if you’re in pain.” She leaves a call button within reach of my good hand and calls brightly through the door, “You can see her now.”

When Gabriel enters, my heart shatters. His hair is messy and his shirt creased, like he slept in it all night. The skin under his eyes is a blue-ish color. He limps to my bedside, his face an unreadable mask. Despite his tall frame and all those muscles, he looks utterly vulnerable. A deep need to soothe him makes me reach out, cupping his cheek.

“What time is it?”

“Just after six.” He adds, “In the morning.”

“Did you stay the whole night?”

“Of course.”

“You didn’t have to.”

He says nothing, but turmoil suddenly twists his face.

“It’s just a thumb,” I say.

He grabs my fingers and squeezes so hard it hurts. When I cry out he lets go, seeming uncertain what to do with my hand. Finally, he places it on top of the bedspread.

“You’re not the only one who can brag. I’ve got my own scar, now.”

“I’ve already spoken to the doctor about a prosthesis.”

“I don’t want an artificial thumb.”

“Why not? It’ll look natural.”

“It won’t function.”

“No.” He avoids my eyes. “It won’t.”

“I don’t care about how I look.” When his eyes turn stormy, I try for humor. “Damn, I’ll never be able to hitchhike.”

A smile breaks through his dark expression. “You don’t have to. You’ve got me.”

Not forever.

He traces a finger along my jaw. “There are other things. Veterinary assistant. Nurse.”

It’s like telling me there are other men than him.

“Yes,” I say softly, “there are other things.”

* * *

Time flies by during the next few weeks. Christmas comes and goes. I shared a quiet lunch with Kris and Charlie. Instead of buying each other gifts, we donated money to a charity for stray animals. Gabriel, Sylvia, Carly, and Magda had a party with their associates and friends. Magda hired caterers, so my help wasn’t needed. Gabriel gave me a spa voucher for Christmas that included every imaginable pampering treatment. My gift to him was of a more depraved nature. He asked to tie me up and film spanking and fucking me. He didn’t need my permission, but my free will was the gift he wanted. It was another way of twisting more submission from me, of making me fall deeper into the darkness that is us. Afterward, he made me watch it. Like the perverse being I’ve become, it turned me on, and the reward for my reaction was a tender marathon of slow lovemaking.

The house is quiet without Carly. She comes to visit every second weekend for a couple of hours. I can tell Gabriel misses her. After New Year, the house turns even quieter when Magda leaves for Cape Town. I don’t know what kind of work she’s doing there, and I don’t ask. Gabriel is often out on business, leaving me alone in the mansion. Gabriel, Quincy, and Rhett treat me like an invalid, carrying the washing basket and anything else I can easily enough pick up. For some tasks, I switch to my left hand. Others, I manage with four fingers.

Marie comes back to work, her speech impaired and her disposition brusquer than before. As the traveling between home and work becomes too much for her, she moves into a bedroom in the house. I have a strong suspicion she tattles to Magda. She watches me like a hawk. For that reason, even if Magda and Carly aren’t present, I still don’t spend whole evenings in Gabriel’s bed. Some nights he comes to me, and some nights I go to him. When we’re together, I’m his sex object. His pet. When Magda enters the equation, I’m property. Gabriel is careful to tone down the affection he shows me in private when Marie or Magda is around.

Kris is supportive. She said I could still buy into the practice, even if we both know I’ll never be able to afford it on a maid or veterinary nurse’s salary. Aletta was sad when I told her the news. Shortly after, she informed me they awarded the bursary to another, needy student. Charlie got very involved with the dog walking. He takes the task to heart, and the responsibility seems to do him good.

It’s only me who’s not doing well. On a non-physical level. My checkups are good. The doctor says the infection hasn’t spread. I’m stuck in Gabriel’s house, submitted to his mercy, and I can’t say he’s mistreating me. I’ve come to crave the spankings and beltings. He buys my food and clothes. Anything I want, I only have to mention it, and I’ll find it in my room the next day. It’s as if he’s trying to make up for the loss of my dreams and the dark needs he submits me to with material compensation. His gifts range from cosmetics to books and even a new iPhone.