Even as she looked at him with sorrow in her eyes, her speech blew him away. Liam didn’t think he’d ever heard her be that honest. But her fluttering hands and downturned gaze made it clear that something more lurked in her head.
Liam turned and looked at Hammer. Frustration rolled off his old friend. He knew what Macen was feeling, as he was mired in it himself.
“So…I have a favor to ask,” she went on. “I know I’ve done nothing to deserve your compassion, but I’m asking if one of you would suggest a Domme who might be willing to help me learn. ”
Liam felt his jaw drop. A Domme? What the bloody hell was she thinking?
“What?” Hammer growled, a look of disbelief etched on his face.
“I’m standing right in front of you, Raine. And you want some woman—a bloody stranger—instead?” Liam didn’t bother masking his shock or anger. “I’ve been trying to teach you for the past fucking month! I told you if you were willing to do the work that I’d be here for you. ”
“I am more than aware of everything you did to help me, Liam. I wish I’d been able to appreciate it more. And maybe someday…” She shook her head. “But right now, I have to fix me before I can be worthy enough to wear your collar, much less actually devote myself to you in the way you deserve. ” Her voice shook.
Hearing that Raine thought she wasn’t deserving of him broke his heart.
“Please don’t be angry,” she begged.
Angry didn’t begin to cover it. He understood her need to bury the old Raine and resurrect a new one, but her choice to shut him out was unacceptable. “Damn it, Raine—”
“I’m not done yet. I want to come home because Shadows is familiar. If I’m going to get out of my comfort zone in every other way, I don’t want to be out of my element, too. I can’t afford to make learning any harder. ” She shrugged. “Maybe it would be easier to trust a female. It’s something I’ve never tried and…I’m willing to do almost anything to be whole. ”
Except learn to open herself up and submit to him. His jaw clenched.
“I’m asking for your help. I’m pleading for mercy. ”
Liam held in a curse. She’d barely given him a hello before she asked for someone else to guide her. Torn between pride that she’d returned to do the work and the devastation to his ego, Liam didn’t know whether to wrap her in his arms or take her over his knee.
Didn’t Raine understand that she was the kind of woman who would only kneel happily for a man she loved? She might find some ease in learning to be more open and honest with others, but she’d never find fulfillment.
“A bloody female Dominant? That’s not mercy. That’s ridiculous. ” He cast a stupefied glance at Hammer. The man’s expression conveyed the same disbelief.
“Never going to fucking happen,” Hammer confirmed. “Did you dream up this idea because you think Liam and I won’t be jealous?”
“Well…yes,” she admitted.
So Raine meant to sacrifice her chance to truly surrender so he and his old friend wouldn’t fight anymore. Obviously, she didn’t realize that it didn’t matter who else touched her. He wanted her for his own. And he knew Hammer felt the same.
Liam scrubbed a hand down his face.
“One of my greatest guilts, besides leaving you both, is the wedge I’ve driven between you,” she went on. “I won’t be the cause of that anymore. ”
“I’ve told you that guilt isn’t yours, girl. ” Hammer scolded her.
“But it is. You were friends before me. ” She pressed a hand to her chest, passionate and tearful. “I’m the point of contention. If I get out of the way, you two will eventually repair your friendship. ”
Beside him, Hammer shook his head. “That’s not your fault, and there’s no way I’m letting a Domme teach you shit. ”
“This is for me, Macen. Don’t you understand?” Her expression willed him to. “I didn’t expect either of you to be thrilled, but I’d hoped you’d at least support me. ”
“Oh, I support your need to grow,” Liam growled. “But excuse me for not dancing a jig at the happy news that you want to do it with a Dominant you don’t even know. I need a fucking drink. ”
Raine watched Liam storm away from her, breaking apart inside. She hadn’t expected him to accept her request for a Domme right away…but she’d expected him to understand at least a bit. Hammer was the one she’d imagined would blow his temper and rail.
Now, she was almost afraid to look at him. But she forced herself to. Barely leashed fury brimmed in his hazel eyes.
Obviously, he hadn’t liked what she’d said. But if he restrained himself from saying more, that meant that she’d pushed him so damn far, he’d chosen to say nothing rather than voice something incredibly ugly. Raine had rarely seen him this angry. When she had, he usually cut that person from his life.
The thought that she would lose them both forever crushed her. Her first instinct was to wonder if she should leave Shadows after all. Raine checked it. Eventually, she would be better. She would keep communicating with them. Even if Liam left, she would write or call or text—whatever it took—to mend fences.
And hopefully, with her out of their way, they would be friends again someday.
“I’m not doing this to hurt either of you,” she murmured to Hammer.
He clenched his jaw. Veins bulged in his neck. He still didn’t utter a single word.
Leaning with one shoulder against the wall, the tall stranger she’d noticed earlier hovered a few feet behind Macen. He peeled away from his perch, his watchful green eyes sizing her up. “Don’t be a prick, Hammer. ”
Temper mottling his face red, Hammer shook his head. Then he cut a stare in the other man’s direction, his eyes narrowed with fury. “Do not let her leave. ”
Then he was gone, his broad shoulders disappearing around the corner, carried away by his long, angry stride as he followed Liam to the bar.
A pang crushed her chest. She’d never really had him, but to lose him now totally devastated her.
The stranger, who looked like a Hemsworth brother, sidled up to her and eased his hand around her elbow. “Hello, Raine. ”
She shifted her gaze to him, trying to hold it together. “Who are you?”
“I’m Seth, a friend of Liam’s and Hammer’s from New York. I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you until now, but I’ve heard a lot about you. I’d like to talk to you for a few minutes. ”
About what? She’d just vomited out some of the most intimate things she’d ever said in her life. What more did he want?
He began to lead her away. She dug in her heels.
With a gentle but firm grip, he tugged her forward. “How do you feel?”
“I’ve just hurt the two men I love more than anything. How am I supposed to feel?” She sighed, shoulders slumping.
“You’re trying to do the right thing. ”
“I am. God knows I have a long history of screwing up, but this is the only plan I see. ”
“You look exhausted. ” Despite his strong, angular face, Seth came across as surprisingly compassionate.
“It’s been a long few days. ”
“You want to turn in for the night?” he asked.
Raine bit her lip. She doubted she would sleep much, but she also didn’t think that following Liam and Hammer to the bar would do anything except make the situation worse. Maybe the best thing to do was let them chew on her idea and find the logic so they could all move on…wherever that led them.
“Maybe I should. ”
“Show me your room. I’ll make sure you get tucked in all safely. ”
Raine rolled her eyes. “I can find my way down the hall. I’m not going anywhere. ”
“I wasn’t asking. ” He raised a brow.
She couldn’t miss his Dom face. Of course.
For a moment, she thought about balking, but why? Tumult rolled through her, and she couldn’t very well go cryin
g to Liam or Hammer anymore. Beck… He’d been nice, but he’d unloaded his responsibility for her. She had to buck up and handle things on her own. Frankly, she’d rather do that in the privacy of her own room in case that meant tears.
Besides, she couldn’t claim to want a Dom, male or female, and be bratty about such a simple request. From the look on Seth’s face, he only had the best intentions at heart.
“Yes, Sir. ”
“Very good. ”
Turning away, Raine led him out of the entry and through the cavernous structure, down the hall, finally to her room. The door opened without a key. Everything inside looked almost exactly as she’d left it except that Beck had set her suitcase by the door.
Nothing had turned out the way she’d intended, but she still felt ridiculously glad that she’d be putting things away in the place she called home.
Stepping aside, she let Seth follow her in.
“Get ready for bed. Then we’ll talk,” he instructed.
Picking up her little case, she dragged it into the bathroom. She washed her face, brushed her hair and teeth, changed clothes, then padded back out.
Seth eyed her and drew in a deep breath. “No wonder. Okay…”
Raine frowned at him. What was he going on about?
“Why don’t you have a seat?”
Again, it wasn’t a request. Since she had no chairs in her room, she crawled into bed, scrambling between the sheets.
He sat on the edge beside her. “I know you don’t know me, and this probably seems awkward, but you were so honest in the foyer. I need you to continue that. I came here to help Liam straighten a few things out, but I think you might need my ear just as much. Like Beck, I won’t betray your confidence. I just need to get to the bottom of this so I can understand how to help. ”
Crossing her arms over her chest, she beat back mortification. “This is totally awkward. Everyone knows my damn business. ”
She didn’t really want to talk to Seth about all this, but he’d heard her whole speech in the foyer. It wasn’t like she had many secrets at this point.
Seth tsked at her. “Liam likes ladies. I know he wouldn’t appreciate you swearing, would he?”
“No,” she conceded. “But he let me go. ”
“Did it seem that way to you just now? He threw a tantrum over losing you, which I’ll totally rib him about later. He admitted that he’d given you his heart. You can’t think he’s done with you. ”
She shrugged. “When Liam uncollared me, he told me that I wasn’t ready for what he had to offer. He was right. I can’t keep hurting him. And I can’t keep coming between him and Hammer. If you know them both, you know they used to be friends. ”
“The best. ”
“Exactly. And now they can’t stand one another. I can’t pretend that’s anyone’s fault except mine. ” She covered her face with her hands. “The guilt has been eating me alive. I think they want me to choose…and I can’t. I love them both too much. And it could ruin their friendship for good. ”
Seth tilted her chin up and stared at her, studying her every nuance, pinning her against her headboard with an almost dissecting gaze. “If you were whole, as you put it, and they were on good terms, would you have any qualms about letting either one into your life again?”
“No. ”
“Would you let either of them be your Dom?”
“If I knew I wasn’t going to hurt Liam again, yes. Hammer…” She sighed. “He puts on a big show, but if he didn’t want anything to do with me for six years, I don’t think he truly wants me. And now that he’s not speaking to me anymore, I’m sure that will never be an option. ”
“If you believe that, you’re fooling yourself. How about both of them?”
She reared back. “Beck, the guy who brought me back here, suggested the same thing. I think you two are nuts. ”
“Or it’s possible we’re the only sane ones in this mess. ” Seth shrugged. “If Liam and Hammer agreed it it, would you have them both?”
Why was he trying to crawl in her head? “In a perfect world, of course. It’ll probably happen on the twelfth of never as hell is freezing over, but I’ve fantasized about it. ”
“Because you love them?”
She sighed, wishing she could tell Seth that she didn’t want to play Twenty Questions anymore. “Yes. ”
Seth smiled smugly. “Why don’t you get some sleep?”
Raine didn’t want to, but she probably needed it. If it made Seth and his questions disappear, even better. “Sure, but would you please make sure they don’t get too drunk? Hammer will down tequila and he’ll have a terrible hangover that will make him a bear tomorrow. Liam is probably drinking Scotch. He really needs a friend now. He and Beck don’t get along. If Hammer turns his anger on Liam, he’ll be outnumbered and—”