My heart felt worse than it had when I had lost my father. As though yet another vital part of it had gone missing, and in its place was just nothing, and it would forever remain that way. I kept my voice as low as I could when I called Maddie. “Maddie,” I choked.
She was asleep and it took a little while for her to perceive my state. “Freya,” she called, her tone alarmed.
“He left,” was all I could say. “He left.”
“I’ll be there in half-an-hour,” she said to me, and ended the call.
Half-an-hour later she barged into my toilet and found me just sitting on the floor too shattered even to cry. There were tears in her eyes, but her lips tightened in fury, as she took me to bed. I managed to find sleep in her arms.
Freya
Ella, Maddie and I were rounding up at Nandos when my mother’s call came. It was authoritative and curt, and it alarmed me.
“What’s wrong?” Maddie asked.
“It was Mom,” I responded. “She said to come home right now, then she hung up on me.”
Maddie’s eyes narrowed.
“You guys stay and finish up. I’ll go and see what’s wrong.”
“No, I’ll take you back. I’m done anyway,” Ella said.
They dropped me off home and drove off reluctantly.
When I got into the living room, I saw my mother seated on the sofa, staring into thin air. The moment she sensed my arrival, she got up and I saw that her eyes were reddened from crying.
“What’s wrong, Mom?” I called as I hurried to her.
When I reached her, she struck out her hand and slapped me across the face.
I staggered a few steps backwards with the force of it. With my hand to my face, I stared at her in shock. She had never, ever hit me in my life. “Mom,” I breathed.
“Are you pregnant with Brent Lucan’s child?”
I collapsed onto the sofa then as she came to stand before me.
“Tell me it’s not true,” she said. “Tell me it’s not true that you sold your virginity ... in an auction!” she screamed.
I felt my heart break.
“You stood on a stage, naked, for men to … to …” she couldn’t go on. She got on her knees and placed her hands on my knees. “Brent Lucan bought you,” she said. “You slept with him and that’s how you got the money. That’s how you got tangled up with him. I told you to stay away from him ... I told you what he did to your father. It’s okay if it happened once ... I am a useless parent, I couldn’t provide for us so you did what you thought was right for us. But you went back to him? How could you do this?” she wailed. “Freya!”
“Who told you this?” I asked, finally lifting my head to stare into her haunted eyes.
“What does it matter?” she said. “Just tell me it’s not true.”
I knew without being told it was Judi Mirren. I rose to my feet and stepped away from her. “It is true," I responded.” All of it, and I’m sorry.”
I started to walk away then but she threw a cushion at me. “How dare you walk away? Are you saying that right now you’re—you-you-are really pregnant?”
I stopped in my tracks. “I am.”
“And when were you going to tell me, or were you never going to tell me about it?”
Silence.
Her eyes widened. “You’re not thinking of keeping it?”
I did not answer.
“Let’s go! Right now,” she said.
I turned to her. “Go where?”
“To a clinic. We need to make an appointment to get rid of it. I’d rather you killed me than have a child by the man who killed your father.”
“Why do you keep saying that?” I cried. “You told me yourself, that you weren’t sure.”
“I don’t care what the details are. All I know is he was involved, and he gave your father nightmares.”
“Why would Dad have had nightmares, if he were completely innocent?”
She was stunned by my words. “What are you trying to say?”
“All the fingers point to him. Why have we then always seen him as the sole victim? Maybe he was wrong … maybe—”
“Shut up!” She screamed. “Shut your mouth. And so what if he was wrong? And so what if he is guilty? You are his daughter. He deserves your loyalty. Our loyalty. Brent Lucan drove him to his death. I will never be in any way associated with him, and neither will you. We’re going to get rid of that child as soon as possible. The boutique has started to do well now, so we will work out a payment scheme to pay him back every dime he gave you. Then we’re going to move past this. He will never be associated with us.”
“I know that,” I exploded. “I don’t want him to be either.”
“Then why do you still want to have his child? Are you in love with him? Are you hoping that you two will be together?”
I hung my head.
“That will never happen,” she scoffed in mockery. “He won’t even want to have anything to do with it. You were probably just a conquest to him … a sick game he couldn’t resist playing—and it makes me want to kill him.” Her head fell as she held her hand to her chest. “I am so sorry … I’m just so angry. So hurt for you.”