So if you’re reading this, I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fuckin sorry I left you. Trust me, it had to be something big and bad to rip me away from the prospect of us. From you. I would have fought to my last breath against that reaper. Know that. In my last breaths, my last moments on this earth it would have been your face I saw. Your smile, your hair, the way you look after I kiss you. It would be your laugh in my ears, the sound you make when you’re frustrated, the first time you said you loved me. I would not have died happy, I tell you that. I woulda been pissed as hell. But I would have had those memories of you to make it that bit easier.
I’m sorry I didn’t quit when you asked me to. I’m so sorry I hurt you, sweetheart. The only regret I have in this world is not getting out of this place sooner. Of not doing it when you loved me. Only me. When the way you looked at me made me feel ten feet tall and the luckiest son of a bitch on this planet. But I didn’t. That’s on me. The hurt I put you through, that’s on me.
You falling in love with someone else, that’s on me too. Shit, that’s fucking hard to write. But it’s gotta be said. Cause I know you. I know you’re sitting there feeling guilty as fuck for letting someone else in, for loving someone else, even now that I’m gone and everyone’s expecting you to be mourning me for life. I’m telling you right now, cut that shit out. If I am gone, don’t you fucking dare screw up your chance at happiness cause of the shit swirling in that pretty head of yours. If you are, you can bet I’m up in heaven furious with you for that.
The thought of you with another man makes me want to punch a cinder brick wall. The thought of you unhappy makes me want to rip my own heart out. No matter what, I want you to be happy. When I come back to you I hope to god I can win you back. I hope you still look at me like I’m ten feet tall. But if you don’t, if you love this other guy more, if he’s what you want, I won’t stand in your way. I’ll fight for you, babe. To the end. But I’m also man enough to admit when I’ve lost.
Cause at the end of the day, that’s what love is…loving someone enough to let them go.
So babe, if you are reading this, let me go. Don’t let shit get in the way. Be happy.
Know I loved you until the moment I took my last breath.
Always and forever, babe.
I don’t know how many times I read it. I read it until it was too dark to see the letters on the page. Until my tears had made all the ink run.
Fuck! Fuck him! Fuck him for speaking to me from the goddamn grave. Fuck him ripping open every wound that was healing. Just fuck.
He knew. He knew I loved Brock. He knew there was a chance that he wouldn’t be coming home to me, and he wrote that anyway. My hands were shaking and I felt like throwing up. Where did I go from here? I couldn’t run into one man’s arms after reading another man’s words telling me he loved me until his last breath, no matter what his fucking letter said.
A bright light distracted me. I realized it was my phone. I picked it up to see I had a zillion missed calls.
Gwen’s name came up.
“Hey,” I answered shakily, my voice husky.
“Amy! Thank the fucking lord,” she yelled. “Yep, I’ve got her guys. Call off the search party,” I heard her say.
I laughed without humor. “Very funny, Gwennie.”
“I’m not kidding, babe, Brock was seriously about to put out an Amber alert for you. I’ve never seen his face get so red,” she murmured.
My stomach plummeted, then I got irritated. “He saw me walk out the door. It’s not like I was bundled into a van,” I said sharply.
Gwen sighed. “Yeah, you know how these guys can be. I’m surprised he didn’t insert an implant into your arm or something. I’m pretty sure Cade’s done that to me. Either that or he’s psychic. The bastard always turns up when I need him most,” she joked.
“Yeah, well, he probably imprinted on you or some shit,” I told her seriously. “The way he looks at you is inhuman sometimes.”
,Gwen giggled. “You okay babe?” she asked, her turning voice serious.
I hiccupped. “Yeah. You?”
She paused. “Not really, but at the same time I am.”
I nodded. Then I realized she couldn’t see my nod.
“Where are you?” she carried on as if she heard my nod.
“Lookout above town,” I answered quietly, looking at the lights of my home.
“Want some company?”
“Yes, please.”
“I’ll be there in ten,” she said.
Ten minutes later headlights pulled up beside me. I leapt out of my car the same moment Gwen did. She yanked me into her arms and we both stayed like that for a moment. I didn’t cry; I think I’d drained my tear ducts dry. I just let my best friend get some strength from me and I took some of hers.
We pulled back in silence and her hand grasped mine tightly. We both stood there for awhile, saying everything and nothing while staring at the lights below.
“Want to go and get shitfaced?” she asked.
“Do I ever,” I replied shakily.
“Good,” she declared. “Believe it or not, Keltan makes a kick ass margarita. He’s totally down for getting blotto.”
“Aren’t you not supposed to drink on account it making your boob milk curdle or some shit?” I asked her.
I was pretty sure she rolled her eyes but I couldn’t see in the dark.
I followed Gwen back to the house, dreading the reception I would get. I hated that Brock had made such a big deal over my leaving. I just needed a minute. Could I not get a minute to friggin’ process? Apparently not, considering he was leaning against his bike with his arms crossed as I pulled up.