“I love you.”
His eyes were fierce. “I love you to my soul baby.”
I woke suddenly, terrified it was all a dream, that I was still alone and broken. Cade’s arms tightened around me, his face close to mine in an instant.
“What is it Gwen? Are you okay? The baby?” His hands moved to my stomach.
I let out a breath of relief, kissing him lightly. “She’s fine. I just had the most terrible feeling I dreamed you. That you weren’t really here, it scared me.”
Cade leaned over and switched on the light. I squinted for a second, my eye’s adjusting.
“Can’t have this conversation in the dark, Gwen,” he explained softly.
I nodded against his chest. I heard him take a deep breath, preparing for something.
“The day. That morning, what you saw before you found out about Ian,” he began.
I felt nausea at the pit of my stomach. I hadn’t forgotten about what had happened since he’d arrived, just buried it. He sensed my tension and grabbed my chin, eyes blazing.
“I didn’t touch her, Gwen. You need to know that. I hate to bring her filth into our bed but this needs to be said, I don’t want its poison to sit in your mind.”
He paused and kissed my nose tenderly before watching me. He must have been content with what he saw so he continued.
“After our fight I was pissed. Pissed with you, pissed with myself. I was angry with you because you were right. I don’t regret that he’s dead, especially when we’re going to have a little girl, I don’t want her walking the same earth as him.” His eyes blazed with protection for our unborn daughter. Something warm settled in my gut.
“But I know how you feel, what you meant. I want our child to be proud of me. I will protect you both with my last breath, won’t let anything hurt you. But I won’t let the taint of what I have done enter our house. Our family. I promise you that. Anyway, I got drunk. The club was having a party, but I stayed away and chose a bottle of Jack for company. I sat for hours thinking of everything, wanting to go back to you, but I was too fucking proud. Baby, it has haunted my dreams for sixty-three days that I didn’t go back to you, I’ll never forgive myself. I dragged my sorry and drunk ass to bed. I did that alone, Gwen. I swear to you.” His face was right in front of mine, eyes not wavering. I believed him, with every inch of me, I believed him. I opened my mouth to tell him that but he put his hand to my lips.
“Let me finish, baby. The next thing I know I was waking up to my beautiful girl telling me the best news I’ve ever heard and making me the happiest son of a bitch on earth. Then the whore skulked out from the bathroom. The look on your face, Gwen, I swear to god I’ll never forget it. You broke. Right there in front of me. Later on, I found out the fuckin’ slut walked in not long before you arrived. Bull told me. Saw her sneak in, drew the wrong conclusions. But she must’ve picked my tee of the floor, used the bathroom then stayed in there, chose her moment when you got there.” His words were laced with fury and I could tell even now, two months later his anger with still blazing.
“Never wanted to lay a hand on a woman so much in my entire life. I wanted to fucking kill the bitch,” he spat.
“But you didn’t.” It wasn’t a question. I knew he wouldn’t.
“No. As much as I wanted to, I handed her over to Rosie and Evie instead,” he smiled without humor.
I raised a brow but said nothing, I would so be ringing Rosie tomorrow.
Cade tightened his arms around me then kept going. “Then I saw you, baby, you collapsing in my arms, hearing you fall apart, thinking I was watching you lose our child.” He shuddered. “Thought I had died and gone to hell. Got a respite when I heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. That was until I saw nothing on your face. Heard the lack of emotion in your voice. You are the most vibrant person I know and that just disappeared. You disappeared. You were a shell, Gwen. Scared the shit out of me. You leaving me outside that hospital damn near ruined me. Wanted to kill my brothers, myself. Anyone that was responsible for me not being by your fucking side when you put your brother in the ground.” His words bit through me and the pain was so sharp it surprised me. I couldn’t have this.
“Cade,” I whispered softly, brokenly.
“No, baby. I will never forgive myself for the fact you had to do this without me, I couldn’t be there to shield you, to protect you best I could. Watch you grow with my baby in you. It’s all on me. And the decisions and the club that led me here.”
“Stop,” I commanded firmly. “Stop doing that, blaming yourself. The club. They’re your family. And just like any family they have their downfalls, but no matter what, they love you. Things are going in a different direction now, right?”
Cade said nothing just nodded stiffly.
“We can’t change the past,” I said quietly. “I would give anything to have that ability. But I can’t. We just have to live every day in the present. I love you. I don’t blame you for anything. You’re the reason I’m not falling into a thousand little pieces right now, you’re holding me together.”
“You’re the one doing that, babe. I’m in fuckin’ awe of you.” Cade’s mouth covered mine and he was inside me the next moment. We didn’t say another word for the rest of the night.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I was humming contentedly the next morning, pouring pancake batter into the pan, sneaking glances at Cade who was sipping coffee and reading the paper. It was such a domestic situation, one that I never saw myself in, but one that felt completely natural.