With one last prayer, everyone stands to leave. I didn’t plan to speak to my mother here. But now, it seems quite fitting. What better place to confront her than in the House of God?
I watch her and my father make their way down the aisle. When she spots me, her brows furrow in confusion, and then her lips purse in disappointment. Good. That was exactly what I was hoping for. My dad stops to talk to a couple he’s friends with, while my mom makes a beeline straight for me.
“Nevaeh,” she hisses. “Where were you? You missed youth group and the service.”
“At home,” I say, refusing to give her anything more. She can find out tomorrow, like everyone else, when I put in my two weeks’ notice. I have no clue what I’m going to do for a job since it’s the middle of the school year, but I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’ll do some private tutoring until August and then I’ll apply for a position at one of the public schools.
“Your eyes are all puffy.” She frowns. “Did you drink when you went out with your friend?”
Of course she would assume I look bad because I went out a few nights ago, not because there’s something wrong. She’s more concerned about keeping up our reputation than my well-being. I almost blurt out my eyes are puffy because I spent the last two nights crying over my brother’s—her son’s—death, but I don’t. I plan to tell her about Stephen, but I can’t yet. I don’t have all the information. I have no proof. No body. Not even the police believe what I’ve told them.
“I’m not hungover,” I hiss.
“Well then, do you care to explain why you weren’t here when you should’ve been, and when you do show up, you’re dressed like that?” Her entire face contorts into a look of disgust that up until now would’ve sent me running home to change.
I look down at my navy blue wraparound dress. When Blaire bought it for me, I loved it, but once I tried it on and saw how much skin it showed, I knew my mother would never approve, so I’ve never worn it out… until now. It shows enough cleavage and leg to be deemed inappropriate—by my mother’s standards.
I take a calming breath, so I don’t snap at her. I stayed so I could speak to her about what Stephen told me. My brother wouldn’t make something like that up, and while he might not have wanted to confront my mom in fear of destroying our family, he’s no longer alive, and I’m not about to let her secret die with Stephen. My entire life, my mother has been hiding her true colors while forcing me to dim mine. I’m done living in a world of black and white. Stephen was right. It’s time to live my life for me, and I’m going to make sure my colors shine bright.
Stephen’s last words run through my head and something in me snaps. Life is too short to not be happy, Nevaeh. Starting today…starting this very moment, I’m going to live for me. No more thinking about it. No more telling myself I will start to live soon. I’m going to do what I want and be who I want. Starting now. I’m done being who everybody else wants me to be. I’m done praying to a God who allowed my brother to die. I’m done living my life for a mom who has been keeping secrets and hiding her flaws and imperfections from her family. Judging those around her while keeping her own sins buried so deep underground, nobody stands a chance at digging them out. I’m done. Stephen was right. Life is too short, way too damn short, and I’m going to make sure when I die, I can say I actually lived. And if my mother has a problem with that…well, she can just go you-know-what herself. No! Fuck that. I can say it…or think it…Fuck! She can go fuck herself!
My dad walks over and gives me a kiss on my forehead, and for a split second I almost feel guilty for what I’m about to do.
“Hey, sweetie,” he says. “I missed you this morning. Everything okay?”
Before I can answer him, another friend of his walks over and pats him on his shoulder. “Edward, can I steal you away for a moment? I wanted to talk to you about the church’s insurance.” My dad is an insurance agent and does business with most of the people who belong to this church.
“Sure, Stan.” He turns back to me. “Talk later?”
I nod once and smile tightly. Once he’s far enough away not to hear, I turn back to my mom and say, “I need to talk to you.”
“What is it, Nevaeh?” she snaps. “I think it would be best if you slip back out.” Her eyes judgingly scan down my body for a second time. “We don’t want people to get the wrong idea about you. We can talk tonight at dinner.”