I pull back with a sigh.
My eyes fix on his. They’re like coffee, his eyes. Rich. Dark. Deep.
He’s here with me.
Holding my hand.
Kissing me off.
He’s everything.
“I don’t want to say goodbye, but I guess I have to.” I rise to my tiptoes and kiss him again. It’s not enough. I need more of him. I need all of him.
This time, he’s the one who pulls back. He runs his fingers through my hair. His voice gets soft. “Me either.”
“I… I’ll miss you.” I lean into his touch. Words rise up in my throat. Ones I’ve been avoiding.
I try to swallow them down.
I kiss him one more time. Something to keep my lips occupied.
But that doesn’t work.
I’m shaking when I pull back.
My eyes meet his.
And those words spill from my lips.
“Brendon, I love you.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Kaylee
Shit.
My cheeks flush.
My stomach drops.
Not the right time.
Not at all.
And the look in his eyes.
That’s not the right look.
“Kay…” His eyes go to the floor.
“You don’t have to say it. It just came out. I, uh… I mean, I do love you. But it’s okay if you’re not sure yet. Or if you’re not there yet.”
“No.” He runs a hand through his hair. Slowly, his eyes meet mine. “Kay…”
No. That’s not the right tone. “What do you mean Kay…?”
“Don’t worry about us. Go see your grandma.”
I shake my head. “No. The way you said that… it’s like there isn’t an us.” I stare into his eyes. I pick apart the way they turn down. It’s barely anything, but it’s enough. It’s bad. “If there’s not an us—”
“There shouldn’t be.”
“What?” My heart rises in my throat. There has to be an us. Otherwise, I really don’t have anything.
“Em was right. I’m supposed to protect you from guys like me.”
“Em said that?”
“Yeah. But that doesn’t matter.” His voice gets stronger. Like he’s sure. “I am supposed to protect you from guys like me.”
“What the fuck does that mean? You’re strong and sweet and supportive—”
“I’m not the kind of guy you should love.” Hurt streaks over his face. It seeps into his voice. But he stays strong. Confident.
“No, Brendon. You’re exactly the kind of guy I should love.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not.”
“Well too fucking bad. I do love you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“And you should love me?”
“Kay—”
“No, you don’t get to say my name like that.” My fingers curl into fists. He’s still standing there all strong and sure and stoic. Like he’s doing this for me. But that’s bullshit. This is the last thing I need. “Am I the kind of girl someone should love?”
“Kay—”
“Don’t say my name like that!” My voice rises. It’s too loud for the airport. People are staring. Even a security guard. I swallow hard. I force myself to be quiet. “How am I a girl you should love?”
“You’re smart, strong—”
“I think about hurting myself.”
“That’s different.”
“How?”
“It just is.” He plants one hand on my shoulder. Stares back into my eyes.
His stupid gesture is calming.
I hate that it’s calming.
How can he calm me when he’s ripping my heart out?
I stare back at him, daring him to explain, daring him to see what an idiot he’s being.
He doesn’t.
“It isn’t different.” I try to whisper, but my voice is still too loud. “If you’re no good then neither am I. My brain is broken. I think about hurting myself. I might one day.”
“You won’t.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know enough.”
I shake my head. “Why should anyone love a girl who might swallow a bottle of sleeping pills?”
He stares back at me.
“Is that it? You don’t want to be with someone like me?”
“No.”
“You could at least have the courtesy to be honest when you break my heart.” I take a step backward. “Don’t tell me this is for me. Because it’s not. I know what I want. I want you.”
“Kay—”
“DON’T SAY MY NAME LIKE THAT!” I press my lips together. Fuck. I’m causing a scene. I need to get shit under control or I’m going to be escorted to some scary secret TSA room. “Tell me the truth, Brendon. Is this really because I shouldn’t be with you? Or is it because you could never love someone like me?”
“No, Kay. This is because I love you.”
“Bullshit.” I stare into his eyes, begging him to budge.
But he doesn’t.
He just stares back. Apology streaks his expression, but he stays silent.
It feels like we stare forever.
Eventually, he takes a step backward. “You’re going to miss your flight.”
“But… but you love me.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it does.”
“You shouldn’t be with me.” His voice is dripping with hurt, but it’s still confident. Sure.
“I get to decide that.”
“Yeah. But I do too.” He takes a step backward. “I’m sorry, Kay. Have a safe flight.”
Then he turns and leaves.
And takes my heart with him.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Brendon
I sit in my car for a fucking eternity.
I check the flight notice again and again.