I… I can’t.
“She lights up like a pinball machine when you’re around,” Walker says. “She loves you. You love her. The two of you are a million fucking times more pleasant when you’re around each other. Whatever bullshit you’re selling about her being better off without you—nobody is buying it but you.”
Chapter Fifty-One
Kaylee
“Kay-bear.” Grandma’s voice is soft. Quiet. She’s smiling. Her eyes are a little fuzzy.
According to Mom, she’s on a lot of painkillers.
But she doesn’t look like she’s dying.
She just looks tired.
How can she only have weeks left?
Or less?
I swallow hard. “Hey, Grandma.”
Mom squeezes my hand.
“You look terrible, Kay. Haven’t you heard of under-eye concealer?” Grandma teases.
It’s the same as always. Except for the circumstances.
“I just got off a plane. Give me a break.” I move closer to her bed. “I’m tea deprived.”
“Nothing good here,” Grandma says. “But there is a Starbucks up the street.” She looks to Mom. “Get us something, honey?”
Mom nods. She pulls me into a tight hug and plants a kiss on my forehead. “Take as long as you need.”
Because this is it.
This might be one of a few weeks of conversations—there’s no way I’m flying back to LA now. Not until…
This might be our last conversation.
Tears threaten to hit my eyes, but I swallow them down. If this is our last conversation, I want to savor it.
I want it to be about more than Grandma dying.
But I still have to say a goodbye. “I love you, Grandma. I’m… I just want you to know how much I love you. And how much I’ve missed our conversations. And spending summers with you. And reading you my Days of Our Lives fan fiction. I’m up to chapter five in my book. I wrote a little on the plane.”
“Yeah?”
I nod. “It’s been a nice distraction.”
“From this?”
“Yeah, and… I don’t want to talk about my problems.”
“I do.” She sits up a little straighter. “You know I love giving you advice, Kay-Bear.”
“You mean telling me what to do?”
She laughs. It’s hearty. Alive. “Tell me what happened. It’s that hot friend of yours?”
I nod. “Emma realized. She freaked. She stopped talking to me. Then I… I thought we were okay, but he…”
“Oh, Kay—”
“I told him I loved him. And it scared him, I guess. I don’t know. He kept saying he’s not good for me. That I shouldn’t love him. But that’s ridiculous. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever known.”
Grandma squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry, baby. Some people won’t get out of their own way. You can’t always stop that.”
“I know. But it sucks.”
“That it does.” She laughs. “There will be other guys.”
“Is it that hopeless?”
“Maybe not.” She pats my hand. “You’re a catch, Kay-bear. Pretty. Smart. Sweet. He’s a fool to let you go.”
“He’s trying to say it’s for me. Because he’s bad for me. Or something. I’m not sure.”
“The hot ones are never smart.”
I laugh. “He is. Just—”
“We’ve all got our baggage. After your grandfather left, I wouldn’t even look at men. I’d get write ups at work for being disrespectful to my supervisors.”
I smile. That sounds like Grandma.
“Once your mom was older, I tried dating, but I was still angry at the world. I wasn’t ready to trust someone to be my partner. I lost a few good things because I wouldn’t get out of my way. But there was nothing any of those guys could do.”
“Nothing? You sure?”
She laughs. “You think he loves you?”
“He said he did, but I don’t know… if he loves me then why doesn’t he want to be with me?”
“I don’t know, baby. I’m sorry. Sometimes it takes a while to get over past hurt. I never did. I was never brave enough to risk my heart again.”
“Maybe that’s it. He… his parents were awful to him before they died. Made him feel worthless. Then they died suddenly. I mean, sorry—”
“It’s okay. I know I’m dying.”
A tear catches on my lashes. “And you… are you ready?”
She presses her lips together. “I’ve been too weak to live a long time. I’m ready.”
Oh God.
“But I’d rather talk about your hot friend.”
I wipe a tear from my cheek. “Okay. I just… You have to know how much I appreciate you. You were my best friend for a long time. You still are.”
She squeezes my hand. “It’s been an honor watching you grow, Kay. You’re such a bright young woman.” She blinks back a tear. “It’s good you take after your mother and not me.”
I shake my head. “I wish I was more like you.”
She wipes her cheeks with her free hand. “That’s about all I can take—”
“Okay. I do… I do need advice about Brendon.”
She nods. “You think he’s worth the trouble?”
“You’ve seen his picture.”
She smiles. “Not lately.”
I pull out my phone to grab one of us. There’s a text from Emma. A few actually.
Emma: I’m sorry. Brendon is so stupid. I can’t believe he did that. Did you get to Jersey okay? How is your grandma? Call me, Kay. I’m so sorry about flipping out. I just… I guess I did freak out. I love you.