Holding Onto Forever

“She loves you, Noah,” my mom says. I do. I do love Noah. I always have, but… well, I don’t know. There was a time when I thought we’d be together, when I was fairly certain he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend, but he didn’t.

I know it was because of our age difference and our families. While some may not think five years is much of a gap, it is when you’ve grown up with them. People often comment that Noah and I are like brother and sister. The thought makes me shudder. I will never consider him like my brother. Ever.

After my mom leaves, Noah sits in the chair next to my bed. He slides his hand under mine and rests his head on my torso. If he knew what I looked like under that blanket, he wouldn’t touch me. My chest is battered. It’s bloody, scarred and beyond damaged.

The beeping of the machine gets my attention. Red numbers flash and move upward. Noah laughs. “You know I’m here, right Peyton?”

“Yes,” I tell him.

“I wish this were a nightmare, that we were talking on the phone right now so you could tell me everything I did wrong in my game.”

“I didn’t watch it,” I say. “I was on the sidelines with the Bears. It was the most amazing feeling ever. I’m sorry I missed your game though.”

“I need you in my life, Peyton. You can’t leave me. I don’t care what my mom and Elle tell me. I won’t tell you it’s okay to go. I’m selfish. I know.” Noah stops talking and runs his free hand through my hair. There have been times when I thought I’d cut it, but he likes it.

“Everything will be okay, Noah.” I go to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. His body shakes and he mutters my name over and over again. I can’t console him, not the way I want to. He can’t feel me, only the lifeless version that lies on the bed with tubes coming out of her mouth and arm, and machines keeping her alive.

“I refuse to give up,” he tells my body. “Please find the will to live.”

“I’m trying!” I want to scream at him. What does he think I’m doing? Throwing a party someplace between here and there, wherever there may be. I decide to sit on my bed, facing Noah and take his hand in mine, as much as I can. “Do you remember your first college game? I do. You were amazing and set the record for most passes completed by a freshman in Irish history, but that’s isn’t what stands out the most. What is still clear to this day is the excitement in your voice when you called me the second you got into the locker room. I knew you had violated the rules, but you didn’t care that you would have to run the snake twice at practice. Hearing your voice that day, it made me feel like I was there with you, cheering you on from the stands. I may have been thirteen at the time, but I was so in love with you.

“What about the time when I surprised you on campus by showing up at that frat party? You were so pissed off at me. I thought for sure you were going to call my parents, but you didn’t. You put your arm around me and held me to your side all night long. I knew you were only protecting me, but deep down I kept telling myself that it was because you were in love with me. It’s not like you could’ve told your friends because I was only sixteen, and you had a girlfriend. That night she told you to choose me or over her, and you chose me. You have every time and then you met Dessie. I can’t compete with her, Noah. She’s beautiful and exactly who any starting NFL quarterback needs to have on his arm.

“Deep down, I know you’re going to ask her to marry you, to be your wife and have your children. All things that I’ve wanted for myself, but know that I can never have. I’m going to cry when you do. My heart will break more so than any other time you’ve dated someone, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to recover. Maybe I should let go, and be free from the pain my body is in now and prevent the devastation that will come later. If I’m not here, it can’t hurt, right? Haunting her seems more fun to me right now because I hate her, Noah. I hate the way she makes me feel when she’s in the room. I detest that she commands your attention and you give it to her. I know you love her though, which is why when Kyle asked me out, I said yes.