“Nothing.”
“Please tell me,” I say softly, and he places his hand over mine, locking my palm over his heart.
“I like that you call wherever you are ‘home.’”
“Zach.” My fingers flex against his chest and my heart rate speeds up.
“She never gave that to me or the kids,” he continues, and my muscles tense. “She didn’t want me to wake her when I got home. We didn’t have dinners together or spend time as a family together, and not having a home myself growing up, I wanted that for my kids and me, more than I wanted anything else in this world.”
“Then why did you marry her?” I ask, wondering if I’m really ready to go there with him, but it’s too late to change my mind. The question is out, and as much as I don’t want to know the answer, I need to know the answer.
“I wanted my kids to have what I didn’t. I believed that with time, we could find a way to be happy.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this,” I say, changing my mind as nausea and jealousy turn my stomach.
“You loved your ex, baby. I know you did. I didn’t have that. I wanted it, but never had it with her or anyone else since you.”
“Please stop.” Feeling tears burn the back of my eyes for him, I close them tight. Max and I were happy and in love in the beginning, and I hate knowing Zach never had that… the kids didn’t see or feel that.
“I wish my past didn’t hurt you so much. I’m sorry for hurting you the way I have. If I could take your pain away, I would.” He gathers me against him and tucks my head under his chin.
“As sad as it makes me, I wish you would have had that with her or someone else,” I say, and his arms tighten so much that my lungs compress.
“I don’t,” he growls.
“What?” I wheeze, and he loosens his grip just enough for me to take a breath.
“I don’t want to think about what would have happened if I had been with her or someone else when you came back. I don’t want to face that demon inside of me that knows what I would have done.”
“Zach—”
“I’ve been in love with you for almost eighteen years. I carried your missing pieces around inside me for that long, Shelby. I know it would have made me an asshole, but there is only one you. Besides my kids you’re the only place I’ve ever called home.” His voice is thick with emotion, and that wound inside of me fills up a little bit more. I hate his words, but a part of me is relieved he feels that way, that he feels so deeply for me.
Resting my palm against his cheek I whisper. “There’s been a wide open space inside me since we placed Samuel and I left you behind. A space I didn’t think would ever be full but from the moment I came back, it’s slowly been filling up.”
He goes quiet at my words and several moments pass before he speaks again. “One day, that space will be full.” He whispers back, “I swear, with everything I have in me, I will make sure it’s overflowing and that you never feel empty again baby.”
“You’re going to make me cry,” I mutter, and his head dips toward mine. He places a gentle kiss against my lips.
“There’s no time for you to cry. You need to sleep, baby. We have to get up in a few hours, pick up the kids from Tina, and then get to the airport to catch our fight,” he reminds me, and I have no idea how I forgot that in just a few hours we’re getting on a plane and heading to Juno for the day. We’ll be getting on a boat and going out whale watching, and then get back on a plane in the evening to spend the night in Anchorage, where we are taking the kids school shopping. Something that was my idea. Cordova has a lot to offer, but there are not many places to buy clothes, and Hunter seems to have grown a foot since we got here. I’m also hoping to talk Aubrey into buying some stuff that fits her and will help show just how beautiful she is.
“Hunter will love it, and it’s one of Aubrey’s favorite things to do,” he says, and my body softens.
Hunter will love it, and any time I see Aubrey happy, I’m happy. “I can’t wait. It’s all Hunter could talk about today,” I agree, gaining a squeeze from him. “I have one more thing I need to say.” I yawn, feeling myself start to drift back to sleep as I cuddle closer to him.
“What’s that?”
“I’m also sorry.” I pull in a breath and pause. Feeling his eyes on me. “I’m sorry for the way I made you feel. Giving Samuel up for adoption was a choice we made together, and I’m sorry for making you feel like you forced me to do it. It wasn’t fair of me to make you feel that way back then, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” I say, feeling his arms tighten as my eyes slide closed and I fall asleep not hearing his mutter.
“Fuck me.”
“Oh, my God. Look at that one,” Aubrey yells, pointing out into the water as a large humpback whale breaches the surface off the side of the boat. Hunter and Steven, both standing next to her, roll their eyes, not as excited as she is, because it’s not the first whale we’ve seen since we’ve been out, but the twentieth. Not that that has lessened Aubrey’s enthusiasm. She’s had the same reaction every time it’s happened.
“Isn’t it so cool, Shel?” Aubrey breathes, turning her smiling face to me. Without thinking, I rest my palm against her cheek that is pink from the cold, thinking she looks more beautiful and happier than I’ve ever seen her before, and it’s all because she’s doing something she obviously loves with people she cares about.
“It’s very cool, gorgeous,” I agree, and her face softens. Her eyes go to her dad, who is standing behind me, and I realize I used his nickname for her. My hand drops away, and she looks back out at the water without another word. It leaves me wishing I wouldn’t have said anything.
“It’s all good, baby. Relax,” Zach says behind me, and I nod then see Aubrey’s lips tip up, and my body loosens as I lean back into Zach’s hold, letting out a long breath. “She adores you. So does Steven. You have nothing to worry about.” He whispers against the shell of my ear.
“Okay,” I agree, then look at Hunter and see him laughing with Steven. I always wanted more kids. I wanted Hunter to grow up with siblings. I wanted him to have what I didn’t have, but after his birth, Max said he didn’t want any more children, and I didn’t fight him. I didn’t want to force him into something that would, in the long run, cause problems for us. It used to make me sad to think Hunter wouldn’t have brothers or sisters, but standing here, I hope and pray these kinds of moments are ones he can look forward to, ones he’ll look back on happily as he gets older.
“How about we go in and get some hot chocolate?” I suggest a few minutes later, when there seems to be a lull in the whale activity.
“Sounds good to me,” Zach says, giving my waist a squeeze before taking my hand and leading the kids and me inside the ship, where they have a small concession stand with drinks and food. After watching Zach pay for our drinks, I look around and find Steven and Aubrey seated at a table, drinking their hot cocoa, and Hunter off to the side, looking out one of the large viewing windows, seemingly lost in thought. He’s been okay, but I know what is happening between his father and me is taking a toll on him, and he’s refused to talk to me about it.
“I’ll be back,” I tell Zach, and his eyes go over my head to where Hunter is standing. He nods in understanding then leans down kissing my forehead. Giving a small smile to the girl behind the counter, I pick up my hot cocoa and head for Hunter.
“Ar
e you okay, kiddo?” I ask when I’m close, but his eyes don’t come to me when he answers.
“I wish Dad could have been here,” he says quietly, and my stomach clenches. Wrapping my arm around his shoulders, I rest the side of my head to his.
“Maybe you two can plan a trip when he comes to see you. I bet he’d like doing something like this with you.”
“Maybe.” He shrugs.
“I know it may not seem like it right now, but everything will be okay.” I bite my lip, hoping I’m right.
“Okay, Mom,” he replies, not sounding convinced.
“Send him a picture,” I say, and his body stiffens, but I continue on like I didn’t notice, even though his reaction pisses me off at Max all over again. “Tell him what you’re doing and that you’d like to do it with him sometime.”
“Sure,” he agrees, but I know he won’t. When we first got to town, his cell phone, which I used to hate, was always in his hand. Now, most days I find it laying around here or there, not even charged. Max was supposed to come last month then canceled last minute not calling me but telling the lawyer, proving he’s a dick.
“Come sit down with us,” I urge after a moment, and he nods then follows me to the table, where he takes a seat next to Steven, who I’m slowly falling in love with. He has a power that I don’t possess when it comes to Hunter, and it only takes a few minutes before Steven’s got him laughing.
“Don’t stop. I’m really close,” I breathe against Zach’s mouth, wrapping my legs tighter around his waist. Fifteen minutes ago, we checked into our hotel for the night, and as soon as we got settled into our rooms, the kids told us they were going down to the pool to swim for an hour before it closed. Once they were gone, Zach locked the door and took off my clothes.
“Fuck, I’m gonna come,” he growls, then he’s flipping me onto my belly, yanking my hips up and slamming into me from behind.
“My God.” My head flies back and his hands slide around, one holding onto my breast, the other sliding between my legs, zeroing in on my clit as he slams into me over and over, sending me hurling into an orgasm that takes my breath away.