Kai.
Kai was on my mind.
More specifically, making out with Kai was on my mind.
I didn’t plan on it.
I’d gone into that room in my sour mood because there was simply nowhere else for me to go. Had I brought my car with me, I’d have gone for a drive, music blaring, trying to shake the anger and guilt and disgust before someone else had to deal with me.
But I didn’t have that luxury.
And I didn’t want to spend any more time in the lobby area with the employees watching me like I was some kind of lunatic while I talked to my mom and sister in occasionally hushed, then manically loud tones.
“Just… forget about him, Julie-Bean,” my mother had told me as we were saying our goodbyes. “Lay on that beach, get some much-needed vitamin D, drink, read, look at half-naked men. And don’t think about him.”
Don’t think about him.
I was sure she was out of her mind as I made my way back to the room.
I mean how could I forget about him when my little sister – the sister I was supposed to protect, the sister who was supposed to look up to me – had been cornered and made uncomfortable by the man I had chosen to marry? And then that situation had forced a wall of a lie between us.
How could I forget him?
But then I had gone back in the room, had started unloading on poor Kai yet again.
And he moved behind me.
He put an arm around me.
He rested his head on my shoulder.
He just kept giving, giving, giving.
Like his well was bottomless.
And I had given him, well, nothing.
The question had burst from me without thought, something I had apparently needed to ask for a long time, but had never let myself do so.
And his answer had done something to me, had thawed the ice I felt building inside, little bits that had been there for years, for decades, but also the glaciers that had formed since the morning of my wedding.
He melted me.
And, suddenly, something that had never been an option, something that I wouldn’t even allow myself to think about seemed oddly possible. Seemed almost necessary.
The need overcame me in an instant.
And the second his lips pressed to mine, I knew that I had never wanted anything more, had never needed someone so much.
It overwhelmed me completely, my body nothing but overly sensitive nerve endings just begging for touch.
And all I wanted was more.
Everything.
And then he had stopped it, refused to bend.
Maybe it wasn’t fair, maybe it was selfish of me, but all I felt as I walked out of that room was complete and utter rejection.
It was a somewhat new sensation for me.
I had never been someone to initiate anything, so I had never needed to learn how to cope with what it felt like to be turned down.
It was an ugly thing, a gray cloud that worked its way through my system, choking out anything with any light until everything within me felt dark.
I felt the embarrassing sting of tears in my eyes as I finished off the last of my vending machine coffee, tossing the cup, and making my way toward the exit of the building, intent on getting some fresh air while also saving myself the humiliation of crying in public if that proved unavoidable.
Fresh air proved to be a pipe dream as I took a step outside, the humidity assaulting me immediately, making my skin feel sticky within seconds, causing a little trickle of sweat to move down between my shoulder blades as I took a few steps to the side to get away from the valet area.
How the hell was I ever going to go back up there and face him again?
He’d want to talk about it, too.
He was that kind of person.
Not like me, the kind who just pushed, pushed, pushed things down, dealt with the side effects in private.
I hated those conversations.
The ones involving feelings, hopes, fears, disappointments.
I had this humiliating tendency to get choked up when I talked about important things.
I’d just as soon avoid that happening in front of anyone.
Especially someone who I would have to face professionally every day until, well, I didn’t even know.
But I would have no choice but to go up there and face him.
Whether I was ready for that or not.
Or so I thought.
The blow came out of nowhere, the pain at shattering thing for the barest of seconds before I felt nothing at all.
Because the world went black.
–
Consciousness was a mere suggestion at first, a sliver of light in a world of darkness. But it felt far away, like it would take too much energy, too much effort to drag myself toward it. So I swam in that nothingness for a while, grumbling at the light that seemed to shine a bit brighter with each passing moment.