Not Pregnant.
Seeing those two words, my chest hurts. I know it’s for the best, but between last night and this morning, I had gotten used to the idea of being pregnant and what that would mean. Tossing the test in the trash under the sink, I wash my hands while fighting back the tears suddenly blurring my vision. It wouldn’t have been good if I were pregnant. I know that realistically. But hope can sometimes be a dangerous thing.
I shake my head and leave the bathroom, heading for the kitchen, where I make myself a cup of tea. Then I take it out to the sunroom, where Sage and I had been lounging in one of the hammocks until a few minutes ago, when I went inside to take the test. Seeing his eyes are closed, I set my cup of tea on the floor then fall-slash-roll into the hammock next to him, resuming my position with his arm around me, my head against his pec and my thigh over his hip.
“I’m not pregnant,” I whisper, and his abs under my hand tense. I feel his chin tip down, but I don’t look up at him.
“Pardon?”
“I… I realized yesterday that I hadn’t had my period since we got together, and I thought…” I let my words taper off as my eyes close. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not.”
“That’s why you wanted to stop at the drugstore last night,” he accuses, and it’s my turn to tense.
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to freak out and go all weird on me the way you tend to do when anything happens.”
“I don’t go weird.” His arm tightens. “I love you. I worry.”
“I didn’t want you to worry until there was something to worry about.”
“Look at me,” he rumbles as the energy around us changes. My eyes fly up to meet his, and I swallow at the intense look in his eyes. “You do not get to do that.”
“What?”
“It’s my job to protect you. You do not get to keep shit from me under the pretense that you’re trying to protect me. That is not okay with me.”
“But—”
“No buts,” he cuts me off. “I love you. I love that you want to do that for me, but no. Next time you have something like that happen, you tell me straight up. You do not wait until after the fact to talk to me.”
“I—”
“No. Tell me you get me.”
“Okay, I get you,” I agree, and he shakes his head before cupping my jaw.
“You wanted the test you bought to be positive, right?” he asks, and my shoulders tense along with the rest of my body.
“I….” I shrug, unable to form words.
“I know you did. I can see it in your eyes and hear the disappointment still lingering in your voice. I can’t say I’m not happy you aren’t pregnant, baby,” he says, and my heart cracks. I start to bolt from him, but his arms tighten and he continues talking. “I know from what I’ve read that pregnancy at your stage could be complicated for not only the child you’re carrying, but for you, too. And I do not want that.” His lips rest against my forehead as he whispers there. “What I want is that long life you promised me.”
“You read up about it?” I breathe, and his fingers move to my chin and he lifts until my eyes meet his soft ones.
He turns toward me, resting his leg over mine as he sifts his fingers through my hair. “You’re not the only one who wants a family, Kimberly. I want children with you. I just know we will probably have to adopt or get a surrogate to carry that child for us. I will never put you at risk. Never.”
“You’ve really thought about this.”
“After I fucked up with you, I spent a lot of time thinking about the things I’d do if given a second chance. I’ve definitely thought about our future and what that future would entail.”
“Oh my God. You’re going to make me cry,” I whisper, right before I start to cry and bury my face against his chest, swearing I hear him laugh. But I ignore that, because it will annoy me. Instead, I focus on the fact this amazing man is mine.
“When the time is right, we’ll talk about babies and figure out what we should do.”
“Okay,” I agree as his hand moves down my spine then back up, wrapping around the back of my neck.
“I’d give you the world,” he says quietly, and even though those words are spoken softly, I can still hear and feel the depth of emotion they contain.
I know he would. If he could give me the world, he would do it. But like I said before, I don’t need the world.
All I need is him.