Out of the Shallows (Into the Deep 2)

He stopped at the table, towering over me and all we could do was stare at each other. I drank in everything about him. His hair was a little longer, like when we were kids, and he needed a shave. His skin seemed paler than usual and he looked tired.

I wanted to stand up, wrap my arms around him, and feel and smell him all around me. Every muscle in my body ached with how much I missed him and I didn’t know if I should cry or curse or scream. Until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I truly, deeply missed him.

He was so much a part of me.

“Jake.” Alex stood, holding out his hand. “Long time, man.”

Giving nothing away, Jake shook Alex’s hand. “Alex.”

“Uh,” Alex looked down at Sharon, “this is my girl, Sharon. Sharon, this is Jake.”

She stretched out her hand with a congenial smile. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” he replied quietly, shaking her hand.

“Jake.” Claudia’s chair scraped back and she rounded the table. She walked right into him, hugging him tight.

Jake cracked as he enveloped her, his eyes squeezing shut as they hugged.

I blinked away tears.

He was sad.

I’d made him sad.

And I should’ve known that I wouldn’t get off that easy.

“Can we take a walk, Charley?” he asked loudly over the music.

Looking back up at him, I saw Claudia had shuffled away to give us space. Jake’s expression was unreadable again.

I nodded and got up, leaving with him after giving Alex and Claud a look of reassurance.

We strolled outside into the warm evening air, the sound of The Stolen disappearing behind us. I glanced back at The Brewhouse, part of me hating the guys for taking a gig here and the other part of me a little more in love with them for doing this for Jake. He’d needed support and they were right there with him.

God, it was a wonder they didn’t all hate me for what I was doing to him.

Silence was thick between us as we walked down the sidewalk, passing other college kids enjoying their last weekend of freedom before classes started. The tension between us was palpable and the pull…

Jake walked beside me but he’d given me plenty of space, as if he was afraid to touch me. My body felt drawn to his, eager to pull him closer. I felt like I was physically fighting to keep the space between us.

Five months.

What guy comes back after five months?

I hated myself.

Jake exhaled loudly. “First, how is everyone?”

Not surprised he led with that, I said, “Better, thank you.”

He rubbed a hand over his head. He did that whenever he was unsure or uncomfortable. “I should explain something. When Andie… I kept my distance not only because you asked, but because it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t about me and I know having me there would’ve upset your parents. Not to mention it might stir things up in Lanton, with my history with the town and I… you and your parents didn’t need that on top of everything else. So me not turning up to push the issues between us was about that—it wasn’t about me giving up. And you knew that. You knew you could break up with me and not have to deal with the fallout and the questions because if I turned up, I was a selfish dick. Yet, if I didn’t turn up, I was the dick who didn’t care enough to fight, so for you it was a win-win.” He shot me a searing look, his soulful eyes making me so breathless with pain, I had to turn away. “For me… I’ve been waiting five months. Five months of hell, waiting for you to leave Lanton. Now you have and now I’m here.”

I felt sick. It was my turn to exhale. Shakily. “My being here hasn’t really changed anything, Jake.”

He huffed, “See, maybe that’s the problem. I don’t know what the situation is now. I don’t know why you pushed me away. I don’t know why you broke up with me because you didn’t even give me a reason… over the phone. I want to know why. How did we go from being perfect to being nothing?”

I didn’t have any answers that wouldn’t make me sound like a crazy person. Instead, I pulled on the attitude that had gotten me through our first breakup. “Can’t you just be angry with me, resent me, hate me, and then leave it at that?”

“Oh, I’m angry,” he said. “But I also love you, so the answer to that question is no.”

I sucked in my breath and looked away, willing the tears to f**k off. “I’m angry at me too. Okay? I haven’t been able to face you because I’ve been dealing with a lot of other stuff. You’re just not a part of that equation anymore.”

“That’s still not an answer. And I can see how upset you are right now, so I’m not believing the whole unaffected shit you’re trying to pull.” Suddenly, I felt his hand wrap around my wrist. I jerked away instinctively, knowing if I let him touch me, I’d break in an instant. Catching sight of the hurt in his eyes gutted me. “You could stop acting like this. You could just be honest and tell me what the hell is going through your head.”

“I’ve chosen them,” I said abruptly, wanting this conversation to be over. “That’s what I said to you when we broke up, and I meant it. When I pushed you away, that was me choosing my family over you. That’s all this is.”

The muscle in his jaw flexed. “Why does it have to be an either-or situation? We can work on bringing them around. That was the plan all along.”

“It’s not anymore.” I made myself meet his eyes, forcing all the conviction I could into mine. “I hurt them for you, Jake. I put you first and now I’ve damaged my relationship with them. Maybe irreparably. I have to try to fix that, so…” I shrugged unhappily, every part of my body screaming at my mouth not say it. “You and I are over.”

He lowered his gaze from mine as he rubbed a hand over the scruff on his jaw. I felt a little punch to my gut as I realized his hand was trembling slightly.

“Jake?”

A couple of kids pushed past us and Jake took that opportunity to turn his back on me, staring out across the street with his hands locked tight behind his head.

I gave him his space but waiting on his reaction was excruciating.

Finally he turned back to me. The anger in his eyes was there for all to see but his words were careful, controlled. “I thought if I came here and you had to face me, then you’d see what a colossal mistake this is. But that’s not going to happen, is it?”

“No…” I shrugged helplessly. “I’m sorry.”

“So that’s it?” he said, and I found myself growing confused by the anger and pain in his eyes and the calmness of his tone. “We’re no longer fighting for us?”

I waited until an approaching couple had passed out of earshot before I said, “We’ve hurt each other. Maybe we could get past that, but right now I have to work on myself and my relationship with my parents. You and I are a lot, Jake. You know we are. We’re drama. I can’t deal with that. Plus, I’m taking the LSATs this year so I’ll be too busy—”

“You’re what?” he said, surprise written all over his face.

I ignored the stab of disappointment I felt. I wasn’t interested in analyzing whether it came from him or from within myself. “I’m not going to be a cop.”

Jake stared at me silently for a few seconds. There was a confused and wary aspect in his eyes as he gestured to me. “You really aren’t you right now, are you?”

Frowning, I looked away. “I’m me. I’m just not yesterday’s me.”

For a while we didn’t say anything. My body was eager to get away from him. Somehow around Jake, I felt stripped bare in front of a mirror and I wasn’t too fond of the reflection staring back at me.

“Can we still be friends? Your parents were all right when we were friends.”

Now it was my turn to be surprised. “You want to stay in my life? After what I’ve put you through these last five months?”

That little tick of muscle in his jaw and the glitter in his eyes gave away his anger, but the words tumbling out of his mouth belied it. “You forgave me once. I’m forgiving you. I want us to be friends. You don’t have to shut me out of your life, Charley.”

I knew it would be easier to do just that. Last time it had been too hard to be around him and just be friends.

Yet now that I had him in front of me again, I couldn’t find the words to deny him. It would be easier this time. He went to Northwestern, I went to Purdue. We were almost three hours apart. Our friendship would fizzle out on its own without me having to be the one to sever the undeniable connection between us. Time and distance would do that.

“Okay,” I agreed.

We walked for a little while before deciding to make our way back to the bar. I asked about his family, about school, about his summer touring with The Stolen. His one-word answers didn’t exactly scream, “Let’s be friends,” which made me even more bewildered by his attitude about our breakup.

He was visibly upset, clearly pissed off, and yet his words were strangely calm and accepting.

I had no idea what was going on.

Stepping into the bar, I saw the stage was empty. The band had finished their set and the jukebox was playing Arcade Fire.

My Claudia radar found her pressed into the near right corner of the bar. Beck had his hands on the wall at either side of Claudia’s head, his own head bent toward her. By their body language and the look on Claudia’s face, I’d say they were arguing. Their reunion apparently was going as well as Jake’s and mine had.

“Charley!”

I walked toward the shout of my name, smiling at Lowe as he stood up from the table the guys were sharing with Alex and Sharon. I hugged Lowe, taken aback by how happy he was to see me. Denver and Matt equally so, their hugs just as long and tight. In all honesty, I’d been preparing myself for their defection. It would’ve made sense if they’d taken Jake’s side in this whole thing.

I did notice a look passing between Lowe and Jake, however, and Lowe got a little quiet with me after that. Matt and Denver, not so much.

“You should’ve seen the tail I picked up this summer, Charley.” Matt smirked, as he leaned back in his chair.

I smirked right back. “Tail?”

“I could’ve said worse. That was me censorizing myself.”

Denver snorted. “You need to stop with the weed, Matt. It truly is killing your brain cells. And your vocabulary.”

I laughed. It was like we’d never been apart. “I take it the mini-tour went well.”

Denver nodded. “It was great. We got permission to film in a lot of the bars and our live sets are getting a lot of exposure on YouTube. We’re just waiting for a label to see it.”

I frowned, turning to Lowe. “No luck on the demos you sent out?”

Lowe shook his head and took a drink, his eyes on the table and not on me.

I sighed.

Great.

I opened my mouth to speak to Alex, knowing I’d get eye contact out of him, when Claudia’s shriek filled the bar. “Asshole!”

We all turned around, watching as she shoved a pissed-off Beck aside and stormed toward the exit.

I instantly pushed my chair back at the same time Alex held out Claudia’s purse. I gave him a grim thanks and glanced around at the guys, carefully avoiding Jake’s gaze. “I’ve got to go. Bye, guys. It was nice to see you.”

It was wrong that I was glad Claudia and Beck had a fight that got me out of there. I knew it was wrong. But still… I was grateful.

Chapter Four

“You look wiped,” Jake said, his expression sympathetic as he stood to press a soft kiss to my lips. “Did the tutorial go okay?”

I slipped into the seat opposite him as he sat back at the table. “I didn’t even have to say a word,” I grumbled, stifling a yawn. “I don’t know why I bothered.”

He shot me a mock frown as he gestured to a nearby waiter. “Why, to accumulate great knowledge, of course.”

I grinned at his faux uppity accent. “Oh, is that what I’m spending all this money on?”

“That, and a little piece of paper that proves you’ve spent thousands and thousands of dollars on an education Good Will Hunting got for a dollar fifty in late charges at his public library.”

Rolling my eyes, I gave the waiter my coffee order and turned back to my boyfriend. “You’ve seen that movie way too many times.”

Jake looked at me like I was nuts. “There’s no such thing.”

“I guess not.” It was a pretty damn good movie. “How was class?”

“Uh-uh.” Jake shook his head. “None of that. How did last night with your parents go?”

Before I could tell him of the discussion that had left me bone weary, my phone rang. With a sigh, I pulled it out and winced at the caller ID. “You’re about to find out,” I mumbled. “My sister. I’ll be a sec.”

Jake nodded, eyes curious, and I stood, answering my phone. “Hey, Andie,” I said quietly, moving through the small café to an empty spot in the corner.

“Don’t you ‘Hey, Andie’ me,” my big sister snapped. “I just got off the phone with Mom and Dad. When were you going to tell me you were back with Jake?”

“Today. I was planning on telling you today.”

“Oh, now I feel better,” she replied. “It’s not like you haven’t been dating him for the past two months!”

“Five weeks.”

“Yeah, that makes it better.”

“Andie, please—”