Out of the Shallows (Into the Deep 2)

Dad shook his head, smirking. “He should teach that stuff.”

My dad liked Beck. He’d gotten to know him a little when they joined my family for Christmas. Dad liked the way he was with Claudia and was just as susceptible to his easy charm as everybody else was. But it was more than that. The death of his father had made Beck a little grave. He seemed to have an understanding of what was important and how little time we have to appreciate it. An air of maturity floated around Beck that hadn’t been there before, and my dad liked it.

I chuckled. “He’s only speaking the truth. It’s hard to compete with someone like Claudia.”

“Yeah, but if they get famous, they’ll get the crazy girls who don’t care how beautiful a rocker’s girlfriend is or how much in love with her he is. They’ll do anything to get in his pants,” Andie warned.

“I know. And Claudia knows that. But she trusts Beck and so do I.”

And that was a good thing now that he and Claud were a package deal. They alternated weekends at each other’s apartment, so I saw quite a bit of him. When Claudia was in Chicago for the weekend, I hung out with Alex and friends from college.

I didn’t hang out with the rest of The Stolen. For obvious reasons.

I talked to Lowe on the phone occasionally and caught up with the guys’ antics through him and Beck. And also through Jake.

Jake and I emailed one another now. We hadn’t spoken on the phone and we hadn’t seen each other since San Francisco, but we hadn’t completely let go of one another yet, either.

It started with me. I knew I wasn’t ready to deal with our relationship or lack thereof, but I also didn’t want us to be strangers. So I sent him an email, telling him about my reconciliation with Andie and asking him about the rest of the road trip.

And so we became pen pals. I received and sent an email once a week, and I looked forward to Jake’s email like I was waiting on a million-dollar check to arrive. I even sent him a birthday present last month. It was an imported seven-inch red vinyl of Pearl Jam’s “Daughter.” I thought it would look cool on his wall, and Jake seemed to agree when he emailed to thank me.

I wish I could’ve seen his face when he opened it.

“Your mom and I were thinking it might be nice to rent a place in Grand Haven this summer. Thought the five of us could spend a long weekend up there.”

Andie grinned. “Sounds good, Dad. Just let me know what dates so I can schedule it, and so Rick can get time off.”

Dad turned to me. “Charley?”

“I’m there, definitely.”

Pleased, he nodded and returned to his brisket.

I felt Mom’s eyes on me and I looked up to meet her gaze. She gave me a small smile that I wasn’t quite sure I understood. It didn’t matter what it meant. There was peace in it and comfort in the air around us—not an ounce of brittle tension to be found.

I was finally getting my family back.

My phone had vibrated in my pocket over an hour ago, but I hadn’t wanted to be rude and bail on my family to check my email. I waited impatiently until Andie called it a night and I quickly did the same. Once in my old room, I shut the door and hurried to my laptop.

The email from Jake was waiting in my inbox.

I felt a flutter of nerves in my belly as I sank into my desk chair and clicked the mail open.

Charley,

My mom asked me home for dinner tonight. Sounds innocent enough, huh? Well, let me tell you it wasn’t. I expected a home-cooked meal and watching sports with my dad. Instead I walked in on my little brother ha**g s*x with his shy little librarian.

I’m scarred for life.

Let’s just say shy librarian has a kinky side and I now know more about my brother’s sex life than anyone should ever know, let alone a blood relative. I went back to my apartment as quickly as possible to try to rid myself of the image. I think if I return to therapy sessions, I’ll somehow get back on track with my life.

Speaking of, I got accepted into the University of Chicago graduate school for molecular engineering. The parents are very proud. I’m crapping myself. The guys are finished with school after graduation, and I’m going to continue to be a student for the next however many years. I still feel like I’m deliberately prolonging the inevitability of adulthood. Knowing you’ll be going to law school makes me feel better about it, though.

On that subject… are you ever going to tell me which schools you got accepted into? Are you deserting the Midwest for Stanford like you said you probably would?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

It’s going to be weird next year without the guys. I know they’ll be there, but they’ll be doing their band stuff and whatever manual labor they can find until the day they hopefully get signed. Our worlds are going to be different. All of our worlds are, I guess. I didn’t realize how much I depended on them. Don’t tell them that, though. Matt gets clingy when you show him too much affection.

Claudia is here at the apartment. She said you’re home with your parents this weekend. That’s good. I take it that’s good, right? You, Andie, and your folks are finally back to normal? Claudia seems a whole lot less worried about you and you sound better in your emails, so I’m guessing things are starting to pull together for you. I’m glad to hear it. I know what it’s like to be where you are and it’s not great. But you’re strong, Charley. I knew you’d get through it.

As for Claudia, it’s cool to see how much she’s changed since Barcelona. I thought we’d f**ked up majorly taking her to meet that dick, but it’s all turned out okay. Beck’s crazy about her. It’s a little unsettling but I’m learning to live with it since Claud’s happy and deserves to be. Although I would like it if she’d stop making soup. Our apartment reeks. Maybe you could casually mention it to her for me?

I gotta go now. Denver’s yelling at me to get my ass out the door to some party. Have a nice weekend with your folks.

Talk soon.

Jake

I stared at the screen, feeling a whole bunch of emotions I wasn’t sure I had any right to feel. Jake’s emails always made me laugh and this time was no exception. Yet there was panic upon hearing we’d both be at U of C next fall. There was the stupid jealousy I felt over the fact that Claudia got to spend time with him when I didn’t. There was anxiety over him going to a party and possibly meeting someone. That question plagued me all the time. I didn’t know if he was seeing anybody. I didn’t know if he’d meant it when he told me that he’d wait for me. All I knew was that as much as I loved reading his emails, they also kind of devastated me. He never flirted. He never alluded to his feelings, our broken relationship, or if there was a future for us. So I didn’t, either.

That emotional distance was crippling.

Yet I couldn’t give up those emails. While I floated in limbo over Jake, those emails kept me tethered to him.

The Brewhouse was packed, bodies crammed together at the bar, around tables, but mostly around the stage. And most of those bodies were girls.

A friend of Denver’s worked at WCCR, the college radio station here at Purdue, and he’d gotten The Stolen some serious air play over the last few weeks running up to their gig at The Brewhouse. Claudia and I pinned posters of the band everywhere. All the marketing seemed to have paid off.

I smirked as a girl tried to grab Lowe’s leg and he somehow managed to avoid contact while wearing a wickedly sweet smile that placated her. I shot a look at Claudia and was surprised to see she looked calm about the girls panting over the band and over her boyfriend.

It might have had something to do with the fact that Beck didn’t look at any of those girls. He either watched Claudia or was too lost in the music to be focused on anyone else.

Alex, Sharon, and Claudia were trying to talk—shout—over the music, but I’d given up on conversation. I wasn’t in a chatty mood anyway and hadn’t been since receiving Jake’s email two days ago.

Charley,

I know the guys are playing Purdue this weekend but I wanted to let you know I won’t make it. It’s my mom’s birthday that weekend and Dad’s got this whole big dinner thing planned.

Have a great time.

Jake

Up until the email, I’d been worried sick about Jake appearing because I wasn’t sure how I would cope. I knew that I loved him, but I still wasn’t sure we were in the right place to start our relationship up again, so I didn’t want to see him. I knew seeing him would rip open the longing inside me and maybe cause me to act rashly.

Now that he wasn’t coming, I was worried. His emails were getting shorter and if possible, even more emotionally distant.

I was losing him.

Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. He’d been more than patient and I had been more than confusing.

Claudia nudged my side and I glanced at her. “You okay?” she shouted over the music.

“I’m fine,” I mouthed and turned back to look at the stage, feeling her concerned stare burning into the side of my face.

When the guys finished their set, I was relieved—not because I didn’t love listening to them play, I did, but because hanging out with them usually took my mind off other things. Such as Jake’s absence.

The guys managed to magically finagle a table once they’d gotten past most of the flushed, bothered girls trying to cram their numbers in the guys’ pockets. Even when we all sat down, girls hovered nearby, watching them all. Beck pulled Claudia down onto his lap and she willingly sat there for him because she was his human shield against obnoxious girls.

Lowe smirked at the maneuver before he quirked a questioning eyebrow in my direction.

I shook my head. “Don’t even think about.”

“I have a very nice lap.” He pouted and his lip ring stuck out comically.

With laughter in my voice, I said, “Tempting, but I’ll pass.”

“Will you at least help me get the drinks?” He nodded his head toward the bar and I stood in answer.

We weaved our way through the crowd, getting stopped by guys and girls who wanted to congratulate Lowe and tell him how much they enjoyed the show.

“Wow,” I said as we moved into the crowd around the bar. “You’re, like, famous.”

He gave me a droll look. “Just catching on.”

I punched him playfully. “I’m serious. You guys are doing well. Paid gigs, airplay…”

Lowe gave me a shy grin. “Yeah, things are starting to get serious. People actually know us back in Chicago. It’s surreal but it’s good. We’ve got a meeting with a small label next week. I don’t think we’re going to take an offer, but we want to talk, get experience with that stuff, show our interest in moving forward with the band.”

My eyes rounded at the news. “Lowe, that’s amazing. You guys deserve it.”

I felt his arm slide around my waist and he gave me a friendly half hug. “Thank you.” He ducked his head, bringing it close to mine. “It’s good to see you, Redford. We’ve all missed you.”

“I’ve missed you guys too.” I smiled a little sadly and he caught it and gave me another squeeze.

Unable to stop myself, I said, “How’s Jake?”

Lowe’s eyebrows drew together. “I thought you guys were emailing.”

“We are.” I shrugged. “But we don’t really talk about anything real anymore. I just…” My heart pounded so hard in my chest, I felt it in my throat. The nausea quickly followed. “Is he seeing someone?”

Lowe instantly stiffened with discomfort.

“Oh my God.” I looked away, feeling panic claw at my insides.

“No, not oh my God.” Lowe tugged on my waist to draw my eyes back to his. Sincerity shone through them as he said, “He’s not seeing anyone. I just don’t think it’s my place to talk about this stuff.”

“I know. It’s just Beck and Claudia refuse to talk about it, and I wanted to know if he’s moved on. If he’s sleeping with other girls.”

Studying me for a moment, taking in my pleading eyes with a huff of annoyance, Lowe replied, “I can’t not give in to you.” He shook his head in consternation. “This is how Jake must feel all the time.”

“Well?”

“Truth? Jake has girls come on to him. Does he go home with any of them? No.”

Relief whooshed through me. “Really?”

His expression suddenly turned disapproving. “He knows what it’s like to have you in his bed. Nothing else measures up right now because he still loves you. I feel bad for the guy. I’m also confused as f**k because I look at you and I know how crushed you’d be if you found out he was with some other girl. I look at you and I know you love Jake. What I can’t understand is why you’re not with him.”

“Because,” I tried to explain, “if we do this a third time, we both better be sure. Right now, I’m still trying to figure other stuff out.”

Lowe rolled his eyes. “Not to be a shit, Charley, but you’re twenty-one. We’re all trying to figure stuff out at twenty-one. You think you’re the only one who has a crisis of identity in college? You’re not. And it doesn’t mean you should put the important stuff on hold.”

Feeling a little stung, I moved out of his embrace. “You’re right. You’re a shit.”

“Yeah, well…” He curled his hands around my upper arms and turned me to face him. “I have a little bit of a blind spot when it comes to you and I’ve found myself making excuses for the way you’ve acted this last year. But I can’t justify the way you’ve played Jake. Last January I was the one telling you to watch your back with Jake. I was pissed for what you had to go through watching him be with Melissa while he dangled you on a string. Now you’re doing the same thing to him.”