The Last Anniversary

‘Oh for Pete’s sake!’ Veronika grabs her friend’s hand and drags her off into the crowd.

Margie’s phone begins to ring and Ron presses his mobile to his ear with a clenched sweaty fist.

Rick has finished his fire-eating performance and has come over to see Sophie. His hair is sweatily tousled, his chest very wide. Sophie wonders if Veronika has really thought this lesbian thing through.

He says, ‘You look beautiful.’

‘Well, you look extremely sexy,’ says Sophie. She has now had two glasses of deliciously good mulled wine and is feeling buoyant and slightly in love with everybody. ‘Do you have a horrible taste in your mouth from all that fire-eating? Do you want some fairy floss?’

‘No thanks. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I came around yesterday but you weren’t there.’

Sophie gives him a flirtatious look through her eyelashes and is conscious of her cle**age. Her heart lifts. She doesn’t know why she’s even been worrying about this. Rick is perfect for her. Her body knows it. Her heart knows it. Her mind knows it. He is the one. She is definitely, absolutely going to sleep with him tonight and it’s going to be damned good. It will be the beginning of a whirlwind romance with sex, sex, sex, and talking till dawn and walks on the beach in chunky jumpers and frolicking in parks throwing Frisbees, and she’ll be pregnant just in time for her fortieth birthday.

‘I’m here now,’ she smiles, and gives her wand a provocative flick. ‘How can I help you? Need me to perform a spell on you?’

‘It’s a bit awkward. I just thought I should tell you that I’ve got back with my ex-girlfriend.’

OH, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!!

Sophie lets her wand drop. She’s going to remember that wand-flicking, eyelash-batting performance and cringe for the rest of her life.

‘Oh, I see,’ she says. She pauses. ‘I suppose I could turn her into a frog.’

He grins ruefully. ‘I should have told you when we went out that I’d only recently come out of a relationship, but I didn’t want you to think I was one of those guys with all this baggage, and I really thought we were over for good. But then she sent me an email the other night and we just started being honest with each other about our feelings.’

Please excuse me while I vomit into my fairy floss.

‘I’m sorry,’ continues Rick. ‘I had a great time with you the other day. It’s just that I was with her for years and I can’t turn my back on that.’

Sophie gives him a radiant smile. ‘Of course you can’t! I understand. Absolutely. I hope things work out for you.’

‘Yeah, well, I really want to make a go of it, tie the knot, you know, all that boring stuff, settle down, be a dad. I’m ready for all that.’

He’s ready to be a dad. It’s hurting Sophie’s face to smile. ‘That’s great, Rick, really. Hey, do you think you could get me another one of those mulled wines?’

Just when he thinks it’s going to voicemail, she answers the phone.

‘Hello?’

Except it’s not Margie, it’s a man’s voice. It’s him. He has a deep, salesy, I’ve-got-money-and-a-big-dick voice. He is definitely in real estate. He probably wears a gold bracelet and carries a man-bag. Ron feels like his head is about to explode.

Ron says, with considerable difficulty, ‘Who is this?’

The bloke answers, ‘This is Ron. Who’s this?’

RON? ‘This is Ron!’ roars Ron.

The bloke chuckles. ‘Oh. Good name, mate.’

Ron speaks through grimly gritted teeth. ‘Do you want to explain why you’re answering my wife’s phone?’

‘Margie is just getting dressed. Do you want me to get her?’

Now his head does explode. ‘ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL?’

‘Oh, darling, you are not!’ says Enigma. ‘Stop being silly.’

Enigma is feeling snappy. Nobody has brought her anything to eat, except for that sandwich, which was hours ago; Margie really did go out tonight, which Enigma didn’t truly believe was going to happen right until the last minute; the baby is starting to get all tetchy and squirmy–and where is his mother for heaven’s sake, there has been no sign of Grace for ages; and now here is Veronika announcing, quite loudly, that she is one of those homosexuals. Enigma has no problems with those homosexuals in general. They seem like decent, kind people and they dress beautifully. She just doesn’t like it when they flaunt their funny ways in public, such as that awful Mardi Gras. It’s not necessary. People can do what they like in the privacy of their own homes. However, it is quite ridiculous to think that her granddaughter is one of them. Besides which, she thought it was only the men who were the homosexuals. Why does Veronika have to be such a tomboy?

Enigma smiles politely at the Japanese girl who seems to have given Veronika these ridiculous ideas and does her best to set her straight. ‘It’s just that we don’t do that sort of thing in our family, dear.’

‘Don’t be so rude, Grandma!’ cries Veronika.

‘Well, we don’t, Veronika!’ Enigma is incensed. She has just made a real effort to be polite to this Japanese girl, especially when you consider that one of Enigma’s loveliest boyfriends during the war was a POW in a Japanese concentration camp and came back all skinny and miserable and not at all lively any more!

The Japanese girl says, ‘It’s OK, Veronika. Let’s talk about this another time.’ She says to Enigma, ‘Is that your great-grandson you’ve got there?’

‘Yes, this is little Jake.’ Enigma immediately holds out the baby hopefully. ‘Would you like a hold of him, dear? My arms are aching.’

‘Oh, Grandma, Audrey isn’t here to help you babysit!’ says Veronika, but the girl takes Jake, which is a relief for Enigma’s poor arms.

‘So, you’re from Japan, Audrey?’ asks Enigma socially.

Veronika huffs and puffs while Audrey says, ‘My parents are Malaysian actually, but I was born here.’

‘Oh, well, Malaysia!’ Enigma tries to think of something nice to say about Malaysia. Didn’t Laura used to make quite a nice beef dish from Malaysia?

But just then a very unattractive, underdressed man comes charging out of the crowd and grabs Veronika’s elbow. ‘Are you Veronika Gordon? I’ve been looking for you all night! I’ve got information about the Munro Baby.’