Saving Lawson (Loving Lawson 2)

“I’ll drop it when you tell me what’s going on,” I retorted.

“Allie, look at me.”

I didn’t.

“Allie, please.”

When I didn’t, he yanked the shirt from my hands and threw it on the mattress.

“Cut it out, Allie,” he angrily said. “I’m trying my fucking hardest here. Just look at me and let me try to help you understand.”

It took everything in me to bite my tongue. I crossed my arms and slowly turned to him. He was pissed, and he was clenching his jaw to steady his own temper. But at the same time, those eyes focused in on mine, and there was warmth and love there.

“You act like I don’t want to be open with you,” he said softly. He moved to grab my hand but stopped himself. “I just… I wish you knew how wrong that was. I’m withholding information from you not because I want to, but because it’s for your own safety.”

Fear gripped me as I stared at him in confusion. “What are you talking about? Is anyone after you?”

“Yes and no.”

“What kind of answer is that?” My voice broke and I wiped away the tears that sprung to my eyes. “This is so unfair, Heath. It’s like I’m back there again with Ryker, but only it’s with you.”

His body tensed at his brother’s name. “This is nothing like Ryker. I am nothing like him.”

“Is whatever happening his fault? Do you owe more money? Are you selling drugs for the people he worked for?”

“Sort of to the first question and no to the others.”

Sort of?! What does that even mean?!

I shook. I was so freaking rattled, my knees buckled. I collapsed on the edge of the bed and stared at a random spot on the carpet.

“You said something to me once,” I whispered. “The day you killed Ricardo… you were in the shower with me and you said you realized you’re capable of doing things now. Is… Is what you’re doing as bad as… killing a man?” It was so hard pushing the words out of my mouth. I was terrified of the answer let alone asking it.

“I haven’t killed anybody else if that’s what you’re trying to get at,” he said quietly. “Not personally anyway.”

“Not personally,” I repeated, trying to understand what the hell that meant.

He sat down next to me, keeping a bit of distance between us. We were quiet for a short while, and I was spending that while trying to absorb everything he’d said.

“One day you’ll understand,” he finally said. “And you’ll look back at all of this, and it’ll make a lot more sense to you.”

One day.

That day felt like a long time away.

I tried to rationalize it as best as I could.

“And you know,” he added, leaning a little closer to my side, “that I would never look at another woman. You’re it for me.”

I sighed. “I didn’t mean all that. I know you wouldn’t be with another girl. But I was angry.”

“I know, Allie, and I completely get that.”

His arm wrapped around me then and he held me close to him, not saying a word. He kissed my shoulder and neck, always these places like he loved them the most. There was nothing sexual about it. It was purely affection, and I couldn’t help sinking into his frame. His forehead rested against the side of my head, and he closed his eyes for a while, breathing me in.

“I don’t want to be sappy,” he whispered, his voice straining like he was fighting back emotion. “But I can’t express to you how much you are a part of me, Allison. I can’t be without you.”

I swallowed hard and nodded a little. I couldn’t speak. I just stared at his reflection in the dresser mirror, watching how much he was fighting from within. He opened his mouth to say more, but he stopped himself, and it looked like it was hard for him to do that. I wondered if the truth of what he was keeping from me was at the tip of his tongue.

It was then I realized he truly did want to tell me. He just couldn’t. And not for selfish reasons, but because of the consequences. I was grasping from within to understand him. To be patient with him and wait when the time was right for him to open up. By being angry and withdrawn, I was pushing him away and he was scared of that. That’s why he was telling me this.

“I love you too,” I replied. “And… I trust you.”

The only way this was going to work was by trusting him.

He let out a heavy exhale, like my words had offered him solace. Saying them out loud felt good. He had never caused me to doubt his loyalty before this, and I had to admit this to myself to look past the hurt. I needed to focus on his good. By being positive, I hoped it would be enough to squander that itch in the back of my mind that was pleading for the truth.

Tell me, Heath. Please, for the love of God, just tell me.

Eleven

Allie

Heath returned at around midnight. Kayden was asleep in bed with me when I heard him walk through the door. It was our final night at the apartment, so his footsteps sounded extra loud in the empty space.

He walked into the dark bedroom, his stare directed straight at the window.

“Hey,” I said tiredly.

He put his finger to his mouth, signalling for me to stay quiet as he strode to the window and peered out through the blinds. Worried that something was wrong, I sat up. The mattress shifted as I did so, and Kayden stirred and let out a frustrated cry.

“Keep him quiet,” Heath demanded in a hushed voice.

I picked Kayden up and rocked him in my arms, watching Heath continue to stare out into the streets. He stood like that for minutes on end, turning his head back and forth as he looked up and down the road. He was extra cautious when a vehicle passed by.

“What’s happened?” I asked. I didn’t have it in me to stay quiet another moment longer. Kayden had drifted back to sleep but I kept him held to me in case I moved around again.

“Thought I saw people follow me,” he answered thoughtfully. “Saw a couple guys at the fight tonight, staring at me like I was some kind of target. They lingered around when I beat the guy and then jumped into their truck when I went into mine. They trailed me for a few streets and then I looped around and took back roads until I lost them. But… I mean, anyone can know where I live, right? This place is infested with nosey bastards.”

I didn’t reply. Jesus Christ, what was happening? I couldn’t take it anymore.