“But you’re desensitized by it now.”
“How do you get desensitized by a dying baby that’d been shoved beneath a bed?”
He groaned in irritation. “Jesus, still about that damn baby? She pulled through, didn’t she? Got adopted out. Made the newspapers, callin’ you a hero and all that shit. They put your photo up, and if it wasn’t for that hood over most of your face, they’d have recognized you. And then where would I be? Probably in the same jail as you were. And you know what, I offered you a different position. I said you could learn the money and come to the deals with me instead of tagging along with Ricardo –”
“Because I was terrified there’d be other fuckin’ kids in those houses,” I cut in sharply. I was breathing hard now as all those memories flooded through me. “Every time we stepped into a house, I waited for the same fucking thing. Do you know how fucked up that made me? Always waiting to see if there was a dead kid around the corner!”
“It ain’t my fault,” he hollered back. “I’m not forcin’ parents to stick needles up their arms! I’m not tellin’ em to starve their kids while they get high! That shit ain’t on me. I’m runnin’ a business, Ryker. That’s all it is. It ain’t personal until they steal from me.”
“It’s still not right.”
“It’s still not right?” he repeated in disbelief. “When someone runs a fucker over, do we put away the salesman that sold him the car? Every time a man jumps off a bridge, do we blame the engineers for designing the fucker? Grow a brain, Ry. People choose to do bad things. I don’t make ‘em.”
I shook my head. This guy had fed me bullshit for so long, and I gritted my teeth the entire time and let him have that control over me. I couldn’t say I regretted going to prison. If I hadn’t, I’d have slaved my ass off just to please this flesh and bone of a man.
I wouldn’t let him get away with saying this kind of crap anymore. If he expected me to lead eventually, then he better start recognizing what the backseat looked like.
“Now enough of that shit. I’m not going to make you barge into houses and do petty shit like that. I need you to study the men on our crew. You’re going to find this fucker that’s been tearing apart my cash houses, and then you’re going to make him eat a bullet.”
Barely two hours out of prison and he was ordering me around.
I breathed deeply and tried to control my anger. Reaper used to guide me through this shit. He told me the second I started reacting violently every single time I felt a shred of anger, I’d lose myself entirely. I had to separate myself from these emotions.
“I can’t afford any more violence in this town,” he went on more to himself than me. “You have no idea the amount of small time gangs we’ve eradicated and it’s still goin’ on. Whoever it is might be right under our noses.”
“And why can’t you just do this shit for me? Why send me straight out there now?”
“Nobody knows who I am. I’m the man behind the scenes. I get the wheels turning. I have my connections fuelling us, and it’s you fuckers that do the rest. I go out into that town and I live inside my fuckin’ house and then I come here with you boys and reap the rewards before I take off to Mexico and rewind for some weeks a year. That’s why I need you. You’re going to do this for me. No point arguing.”
Staring hard at his determination, I knew there was no arguing with the lazy bastard.
“Anyone you might suspect doing this?” I finally asked.
He thought about it. “I’m suspicious about everyone now. I’m paranoid. I’m tempted to just kill ‘em all and start from the ground up again.”
I sighed, ignoring his empty threat. “Why aren’t you just guarding all the cash houses then? That way this fucker can’t get in without being spotted.”
Boss shook his head. “Nah, can’t do that. I have too many of them and not enough men.”
“Then hire more!”
“Didn’t you hear what I just said? They’ve been bleeding me dry! I don’t have an endless supply of money, Ryker. That’s why I need you to do this for me. I don’t trust anybody else. It’s just you now.”
Jesus. What choice did I have then?
“Anything else?” I lifelessly asked. “I gotta crash. I’m exhausted.”
“The driver was meant to hand you a bag of money to keep you going for the next couple months. I’ve already put you in a room at a motel. If you want some entertainment, I can send some good fucks your way. I got some real nice ladies now, and I bet you’re goin’ insane with need.”
I didn’t reply to that. I turned away from him and opened the door. “I’ll keep in touch.”
“I know you will,” he said as I stepped out. “And find me that bastard, Ryker!”
*
It didn’t take long for things to return to normal. I kept to myself, even around the men. I didn’t want to make small chat. I liked my isolation, and suddenly Boss wanted me out and about all the fucking time.
They made me read up on dates of the discovery of every cash house that’d been emptied. They threw some random names down on a piece of paper and I spent some days asking people questions. Nobody knew shit about anything. Not until I asked them questions about anybody coming into some money. Suddenly, people started dropping names like they were falling out of the sky. Apparently, there were a lot of suspicious people with a lot of suspicious money, which made the search even more exhausting.
“We also got a man named Marko that has just popped up on the radar,” one of the guys had said to me. “Out of nowhere he’s owning a brand new gym in a good part of Hedley, and the guy’s a fuckin’ fighter, you know? He shouldn’t have that kind of dough if he’s been fighting for money on the side.”
“Alright. Go around and do some sniffing.”
I did what I could to get the guys out of my way. I sent them on small, meaningless errands. When I wasn’t out doing something, I was inside my motel room, feeling comforted by the tiny space. I couldn’t deal with the cheap decorative, so I’d stuffed the pictures on the wall inside a cupboard in the bathroom and hid anything that sat on surfaces.
When it was plain and bare, my brain cleared up. It reminded me of a cell, and it was surprisingly comforting. It made me feel like I was in a familiar space, that nothing had changed overly much, and that I was still in control.