He wasn’t hideous then. A little awkward, maybe. His ears stuck out just a little and there was a cute little gap between his teeth that he used to spit water through. His crush on me never wavered over the years. So finally, when we were both sixteen and he asked me out for the thousandth time, I agreed. Not to go out with him, but to sleep with him. Dating a guy like Madden would have destroyed my reputation. But what people didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me. Then one night, as I was writing in my diary about what I had agreed to do with Madden, my world came crashing down. I’d been sitting in my room, wearing headphones, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Haley, my best friend.
“Who do you plan to sleep with?” she asked, her eyes wide with the excitement of potential gossip.
My heart sank into my stomach and I felt queasy. How was I going to get myself out of this? News like this would devastate my popularity. I couldn’t let it get out. So I told her I was planning on playing an elaborate prank on Madden Trek.
The gleam in her eye was pure wicked. And I felt terrible. If I didn’t go through with it, and my friends found out I had actually planned to sleep with Madden, my reputation would be ruined. I’d lose my status as queen bee, and at the time, that meant more to me than anything. I wouldn’t let anything stand in my way. And so we devised a plan.
On a Saturday night, I wore my most form fitting, beautiful dress with sexy heels and waited for Madden to pick me up in the little truck his parents got him for his sixteenth birthday. He was nervous, his hands lightly drumming on the steering wheel as he drove through town.
“I hope you like sushi,” he said and seemed almost panicked that he didn’t think to ask me my preferences before asking me on the date. I liked that he’d decided. Even back then, I liked a guy who took matters into his own hands and planned a great date.
“I love it,” I said.
And I did. The food was fantastic. I’d never really had sushi before because my mom was allergic to shell fish and didn’t want it near the food we ate at home. To this day, it’s still my favorite.
Madden and I talked for hours. He was so charming and witty and intelligent. I’d never seen that side of him before. I actually really enjoyed the time we had together. It made me dread the rest of the night and what was to come. But what choice did I have? The plan was already set in motion. There was no going back.
Madden wanted to take me to a movie, but I knew if we went to a movie first, I would have to go home right after because I would be pushing my curfew. I told him I would rather spend time with him alone and talk some more instead of going to the movies. He seemed excited by the prospect of spending more time alone with me. I gave him the directions to the bluffs, a place where my friends and I liked to go drink beer and listen to music on the weekends where no one would bother us.
When we got there, we made out for a little bit. And I wanted to keep making out—he was a great kisser—but time was running out and I knew we were being watched. If I showed too much interest, I would’ve been accused of really liking him, and Haley would never let me live it down. After a while I told him to take off his clothes and wait for me while I went to smoke a cigarette. He looked a little taken aback, but didn’t say anything. I didn’t smoke, but he didn’t know that. He took his clothes off like I asked, while I went out into the woods to retrieve my friends who were lying in wait, laughing at how humiliating this would be for him. I wanted to call off the whole thing but it was already too late. I had let things go way too far and there was no stopping them now.
Needless to say, things did not go well for Madden that night. By the next day, practically the entire school knew what happened. My friends, and everyone else for that matter, mocked him endlessly. He walked through the hallways with his head down. He refused to look at me when we were in class, and he no longer gave me little gifts or left sweet notes.
My mom moved us away before I had the chance to apologize and make it right. I remember it all so vividly, yet the girl I was then feels like a stranger now. My dad died soon after that. There was a time when I thought my father’s death might’ve been karma because of what I did to Madden.