“I know. But it’s…” I started.
“You’re fearless,” Darren said.
The words hit me, and my eyes snapped up to him. It felt for a second like I couldn’t breathe, like time had slowed down for an instant around us.
“What?”
“You’re fearless. You weren’t afraid to pack up your small daughter and leave your country for a place you only knew from visiting. You weren’t afraid to be alone without your family or anyone you knew just so that you could be here and try to make things right. You weren’t afraid to work in a field dominated by men and command the same respect and reverence they get. Kelly, you’re fearless. It’s something I’ve always known about you. It’s part of the reason why I left that bar with you three years ago,” he said.
I shook my head, tears starting to sting in my eyes as everything crashed down around me. The full reality of the situation was pressing in, and I struggled to control my emotions so we could have a clear, straightforward conversation.
“It’s all bluster,” I told him. “All of it. Of course I was afraid. I was afraid all the time. Of all of those things. I was absolutely terrified to leave Canada. Even though I loved Charlotte when I came here, and I always intended to come back, the thought of picking up and moving here just Willa and me was terrifying. I was scared out of my mind to think about taking Willa away from my family, to not have my sister, my parents, my friends. I didn’t know if there was any way I could do it without them. And I definitely didn’t know if I had it in me to face you. I didn’t know what you would think of me or how you would react to me telling you about Willa. And I was afraid it would all fall down around me. Can you really blame me? It’s exactly what’s happening.”
At least my voice didn’t shake. I had enough strength to stay steady and look him in the eyes when I spoke. The slightest hint of a smile flickered across Darren’s lips. It wasn’t pleasant, not a moment of happiness. More like something amused him even if he didn’t want it to.
He leaned toward me across the table. “Let’s be real. I can buy you were scared I wouldn’t react well or that I’d take her. But you’ve never even mentioned that you thought we could work out. You said you wanted to make sure Willa and I were in each other’s lives, but you never said that you wanted to find me again so you and I could try to work things out.”
“I don’t think I ever let myself think about that. It wasn’t about us. Like I said, I left that morning wishing I didn’t have to, and I missed you the entire time, but making sure Willa knew her father wasn’t about me getting a chance with you,” I told him.
“Why not?” Darren asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Why did you never let yourself think about it? Why did you never think there was a chance it could work out between us? That we could be a family?” he asked.
The words made the tears slip down my face, and I looked down, brushing them away. I didn’t really want to think about that, about the abandonment issues I thought I had outgrown years ago but that reared their head when all this happened. If I really dug deep into my head and my heart and was honest with myself, that was the root of all this. I wanted to hide it all as far down as I could and not think about it, but that wasn’t an option anymore. Hiding everything was what got me into this, and I needed to be up-front and honest.
“My parents aren’t really my parents. Well, my mother is. But the man I call my dad is not my father. I lost my father at a really young age, before I could understand it. In the years after, my mother had boyfriends, but they always left. Even when she finally found a really good guy, a man I love and think of as my dad, I didn’t really get over everything else. I’ve always had a sense of abandonment. No matter how right or wrong it is, I was afraid of having too much hope, of getting attached,” I explained.
We fell into silence and went back to eating to fill our mouths and end the need to say anything else. When we finished, I got up and started to leave, but Darren took my hand and I stopped. I looked down at our hands and then at him.
“We’ll work it out, okay?” he said. “Because even with this, I still want you. I have for three years, and this doesn’t change that.”