Whether there was any chance of him knowing something was going on or not, I needed to figure out my next move. I tried to turn my focus back to work, but it was hard to get myself back into it again. My mind had wandered to the baby and what I was supposed to do. The reality was hovering over me that I needed to make a decision soon. The longer I put off my plan, the harder it was going to be to deal with it. I needed to come up with something before I started showing.
33
Quentin
I was grateful to have a full house that week. While it was important for me to take the time off away from everybody so I could think about what was going on in my life and how I was going to handle it, the solitude wasn’t an option for me. I needed to be around the people I was closest to, people who loved me no matter what. Even if they were upset with me and didn’t think I was making good decisions in my life, they were still the ones I relied on and trusted the most.
In fact, it was when I was on the wrong path and making decisions that weren’t good for me that I needed them the most. Not just to direct me and tell me what they thought I should be doing. Not to admonish me to make sure I knew I was doing something wrong. Those were things I was more than capable of doing by myself and didn’t need any help with. Instead, I needed them around me so I could know that no matter what, I still had that support system. But even when I was spiraling out of control until nothing else in my life was falling into place, I had them. My family, including Cole, was my rock, and my security. They reassured me and reminded me of the type of person I wanted to be.
Seeing my parents together was always a refreshing boost for my spirits. When I was feeling down or helpless about life, when I was discouraged and felt like there was nothing good to come of any type of relationship, I looked to them. Their love was still strong after almost fifty years of marriage. In fact, it almost seemed like being together kept them young. Their laughter and joy at one another belied their years, and I knew if either of them ever had to be without the other one, it would quickly make them wither away.
That was something I’d never experienced. But seeing it in them gave me some sort of hope. More important than that, seeing them together and having my brothers around kept my mind active and stopped me from wallowing and being sad. It didn’t really take away the emptiness or the sadness dragging down on my heart, but it made it so I didn’t have to think about it all the time.
There was loud yelling in my backyard, this time punctuated by excited, high-pitched barks. Many times over the years since I’d bought this house and transformed it into my own custom home, I felt gratitude for being on so much land and not near my neighbors. While there was a certain appeal to being able to walk over to a neighbor’s house and get a cup of sugar or have a conversation on the porch, that was outweighed by the potential disruption and aggravation caused by the sheer volume achieved by my family. I would just have to make sure my pantry stayed properly stocked with sugar and be satisfied with the conversations I could have with my brothers.
The more the puppy barked and yipped, the more my brothers laughed and cheered. As usual, I was inside the kitchen putting together snacks and gathering drinks. It seemed that no matter how much I prepared for these gatherings and thought I had brought enough down to my outdoor kitchen, inevitably I ran out of food or beverages partway through the fire. But that was fine. Going back up to the main house gave me a few minutes to myself to let my mind clear and my ears stop ringing. Carrying everything in a huge bucket with a large tray balanced over the top, I headed back out onto the deck. My father looked up and noticed me trying to negotiate making it down the steps carrying everything.
He immediately hopped up and came to help me. We made it down to the grass, and I watched my brothers running around playing keep-away with the new puppy and Cole. It looked like we were little children again, and I couldn’t help feeling the urge to jump in. The puppy was growing fast, and it was so much fun to watch her run and jump, flopping around in the grass and delightedly climbing on the logs and benches. We didn’t bother to light the fire that night because it was so hot, so I didn’t feel worried about her safety. I was enjoying seeing her be so free and full of life.