“Are we done avoiding each other?” I asked.
I meant it as a joke, but it must have fallen flat because Merry flinched. Maybe I was going to need to be more careful with my wording.
“Yes,” she said. She hesitated for a second, shifting where she sat on the couch. “Uh. We need to talk.”
A joke about the way she said that formed in my mouth. It sounded like she was about to break up with me, but since we’d never actually gone on a date, it wouldn’t have been a very effective breakup. Fortunately, this time I thought about what I was going to say before it came out and managed to catch the words on my tongue before they came out of my mouth. That definitely wouldn’t have gone over well, especially considering the strained, nervous look I now noticed on her face.
I picked up my coffee and turnover and walked over to sit beside her on the couch. Breaking the turnover in half, I held a piece of it out to her. She took it but didn’t bite into it. Instead, she let it sit in her lap as she looked around like she was searching for what she was going to say next. I didn’t push. Obviously, there was something on her mind and she was having difficulty finding a way to say it. As much as the stretch of silence was twisting in my stomach and making my heart beat a little faster, I wanted to give her the time to say whatever she needed to stay in the right way. Finally, she let out a sigh and looked at me resolutely.
“I’m not good at doing things like this,” she offered, almost like a disclaimer.
“Not good at doing what?” I asked, suddenly feeling dread form in the pit of my stomach. “Are you quitting?”
She laughed, but the sound didn’t have any happiness in it.
“I almost wish I was,” she said. “At least I’ve done that before, and it would probably be easier than this. But no. I love working here and don’t intend on leaving.” She straightened her spine and let out another breath. “What I mean is, I’m not good at talking about my feelings. I have a really hard time with even having them, so acknowledging them and putting them out there for somebody else to know about is a really major challenge to me.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Let’s just say my history with guys is not great. In fact, among everybody who knew me from when I was younger, I’m known for making bad choices. Really bad choices.” She pauses for a second, her eyes widening slightly as she looked off into the distance like she was reliving some of those unfortunate moments of her life. A second later, she shook her head slightly as if coming back into reality. “Anyway, I’ve done some stupid things. After more than my fair share of bad relationships, I all but gave up on men in general. I figured I would just do this whole life thing on my own.
“It was just easier to think about being alone. As sad as it was and as much as I saw the people around me at finding their partners and getting married and being all joyful and everything, that just wasn’t going to happen for me. It wasn’t worth the stress and complication. I couldn’t trust anybody and didn’t want to go through all that over and over again just to get my heart broken. So, I decided I was just going to devote myself to my career and be a confirmed single.”
Just sitting there listening to her was so hard. I struggled to keep my hands to myself. All I wanted to do was pull her close to me and hug her. I wanted to comfort her and let her know I was there for her and she could trust me. But I didn’t. I continued to listen and stayed still exactly where I was. She needed this. Merry needed the opportunity to express everything that was going on inside her head and know she was being heard. Finally, she finished it and let out a big breath.
“Anyway,” she said. “I just want to say I’m sorry for being at least fifty percent at fault for all our problems. It’s not totally your fault. I don’t want you to think that. I mean, I know you think that. Everybody around you isn’t exactly making it easy for you, and I’m sorry about that, too. I am absolutely to blame for the whole mess, too. Because we never talked. And that’s what I want to do. I want us to talk now.”
I figured she was finished because she looked down at her hands and seemed to notice for the first time that she was holding the half a turnover. Tearing off a corner, she popped it into her mouth, hesitated for a few seconds like she was gauging something about it, then kept eating.