“I don’t know. We were just talking about the band and then . . . she started shaking and freaked out when I touched her.”
Crisis kissed the top of my head before he pulled back and tilted his head down to look at me. “You good now?”
I heard the floor creak to the right of us and saw Kite standing in the doorway scowling, but his eyes were filled with concern.
“I’m calling Ream,” Kite said. “Maybe he can get a flight out tonight.”
“No.” I shook my head violently. “Don’t. He can’t know. This has nothing to do with him. Nothing.” I directed my words to Crisis now. “Don’t tell him.” I could deal with this. It was a minor break in my armor.
Crisis had seen my pain, knew I ran to keep the demons away and he’d kept his promise and never told my brother. He understood.
Crisis’ arms stiffened around me and I felt his heart beat steadily but thumping hard against my chest. “Kite, I got this,” he said.
“Man, I don’t think—”
“I fuckin’ got this.” Crisis’ tone hardened, as did his grip around me. “Do not call him.”
I breathed a sigh of relief when Kite lowered the phone and nodded.
“Dana, give us a sec?” Crisis asked.
“Umm, yeah, sure.”
Kite and Dana silently left the room and the door clicked shut behind them.
I pulled from Crisis’ arms, but our eyes remained locked, his narrowed and . . . the playfulness had vanished from earlier and in its place was a combination of determination and disquiet, meaning I was going to have to give him something.
“What happened?”
I was able to block this shit out. What the hell was wrong with me?
“It’s . . . stress.” Not a lie, it was a form of stress.
His brows rose and he braced himself against the dresser, arms crossed. “Stress?”
I shoved a strand of hair behind my ear. “Yeah, I freaked for a second.”
“Freaked?”
I nodded and ignored him while sifting through the clothes on my bed. I hadn’t realized I was holding the pseudo-panties until I looked down at them in my hand. I quickly tossed them aside.
“Haven, I get this is different now that I’m standing here, but I’m the same person you’ve talked to for months.”
I didn’t say anything because I was scrambling to find my steady. That part of me that I’d built up over the years that meant my survival.
“You’re not going to tell me, are you?”
Not a chance in hell.
“Okay. What do you need?”
“Need?” I turned to face him, frowning.
He shrugged. “I get you don’t want to tell me, but you need an outlet.” He paused, biting the inside of his cheek. “Kat has that ugly pink clown statue in the bathroom upstairs. Fuckin’ thing gives me nightmares. I can’t even piss with that thing watching me from its high and mighty shelf above the toilet. We could smash it with a hammer.”
Crisis knew how to take a horrible moment and make it easier because as the memories faded back, I pictured Crisis with a hammer in his hand sitting on the floor and breaking the clown into little pieces. And there was a cute grin on his face as he did it.
I shook my head and went back to looking through the clothes. “I don’t need an outlet.”
“Bullshit. I know you, even if you think I don’t. I caught you running to the point of exhaustion. I know all you do is study and go to school. You don’t go out. You dress like it’s cold even in the middle of summer and you conceal that scar on your wrist, but often run your finger over your shirt where it lays.” I never expected Crisis to have noticed that. When did he notice that? It had to be before he left, before all the texting. “I’m surprised about Dana. You never mentioned her. I didn’t expect that. But I’m glad you’re making friends.” He chin-lifted to me, expression serious. “Now, are you going to keep bullshitting me? Or should I go on?”
I sat on the end of the bed, shoulders erect, unflinching as he stared back at me. “Maybe I need you to leave me alone.” It was stupid remark, but what I really needed was to forget what just happened and just be normal. The problem was, I had no clue what normal felt like.
He laughed. “Look what happened when you said that last time.” He pushed away from the dresser and strode toward me, one hand in his jeans pocket and the other clenched into a fist at his side. He stopped directly in front of me and I had to crank my neck up to look at him.
“What do you want from me, Crisis?” I was an out-of-control sled, sliding down a mountain and I couldn’t stop the words. “We texted because it was part of the deal, that’s it.”
His brows lowered even further over his eyes and it made him appear hazardous. My stomach unsettled and it wasn’t because I was nervous around him, but because I put that look there.
Crisis crouched like he’d done in the stables months ago, but this time, he put his hands on my thighs. I should’ve moved away, felt uneasy with him touching me, but I didn’t. His hands weren’t groping or prodding; they were steady and calming. “That’s not it. And we didn’t do it because of some goddamn deal. We both know that.”
My breath hitched and his hands tightened on my thighs. Then I caved because it was wrong. What I said was a lie and I’d never lied to him. I’d used avoidance maybe, but never lied.
“Yeah.”
He sighed, stood and gently ran his hand over the top of my head before striding toward the door. “I’ll tell Dana you’re staying in. We can watch a movie and order pizza.”
“No. I want to go.” I paused then added. “I need to do this.”
“Why?”
“I just . . .”
“You have nothing to prove, Haven.” Crisis had his hand on the doorknob, his back stiff. “But if you think you do, then we’re coming with you. Kite can be the DD.”