For years there have been secrets,
Hidden in those distant eyes.
Truths that are your weakness
Because you want to keep them lies.
It doesn’t make me feel better,
Knowing you’re so messed up.
I thought it would free me of your fetters,
But here I am still locked up.
Some would say I need empathy,
For the pain you’ve had to endure.
But for you I’ve run out of sympathy,
You’re my villain...and there is no cure.
If Tobias was telling the truth, and this poem really did speak to him in some way, I was curious. Curiouser than curious. This was one of my most revealing poems about the state of my relationship with my mum. Did he understand that? It was possible, considering his less than warm interaction with his mum the other night at Stevie’s. Or did he relate to the poem because of his mysterious, apparently-not-in-the-picture dad? Or did the idea of the poem have relevance to another aspect of his life?
Just knowing my words had touched him changed my perspective of Tobias and made me wish I’d had the courage to ask him all my nosy questions, after all.
That was, if he was being honest with me.
But why was he being honest with me?
He’d admitted himself that he didn’t know me.
Had my poetry, plus our short time together, made him feel like he could trust me?
A new breed of butterflies awoke inside at the thought of Tobias and me becoming friendly enough that we trusted one another. Until now he’d been a mix of fantasy-book boyfriend come to life and a confusing troublemaker who could make me feel at ease one minute and then a nervous wreck the next. Now I was almost desperate for classes tomorrow, to see what he would say or do.
I wanted more than anything for him to be telling the truth, not only about keeping my poems to himself, but about liking them. The former was out of self-preservation. The latter, however, was about something else entirely. The idea of being friends with Tobias filled me with what felt like electricity. My heart beat harder, faster, and my fingers and toes tingled with restless energy.
It was like I’d been sleepwalking for the last sixteen years, and now I was awake.
Really, truly, awake for the first time.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
9
Yesterday there was nothing but gray sky,
Now there are sunbeams where once there were clouds.
Yesterday I felt as though I had no ally,
Now I have someone who sees me among the crowds.
—CC
There were no weird looks or whispers behind my back as I walked into the school the next morning. No one said a word to me in form class, so I concluded that Tobias had been telling the truth. He hadn’t shown anyone else the poetry.
I relaxed at the thought, although not completely, because I was still anticipating seeing him in English for first period. We saw each other for the first three periods on a Thursday because we had English, Spanish and then maths together.
Vicki and Steph barely said a word to me in form class. Now that I wasn’t anxious over everyone finding out about my poetry, I found myself concerned over alienating my friends even more than usual.
“Do you guys want to study at mine after school?”
“I can’t. Rehearsal,” Steph said.
I looked at Vicki expectantly.
She gave me an apologetic smile. “I said I’d help out with the costumes for the show. I’m going over some sketches with Ms. Scott and taking cast measurements.”
“Oh. Okay. Do you need help? I could keep you company and it would look good on my university applications.”
“There would be nothing for you to do.”
My belly roiled as I tried to convince myself they weren’t deliberately avoiding me. Which was hard to do when they walked ahead of me toward English class.
Staring forlornly at their backs, I was distracted, which was why it took me a second to realize someone had fallen into step beside me. I startled and glanced up into Tobias’s gorgeous face.
He grinned down at me. “You were somewhere else there.”
I nodded, still struck by his size and the fact that he was walking with me to class.
“Are you mad at me?”
I tensed, feeling more vulnerable than I ever wanted to feel as we walked into class together. Should I be honest with him or not?
Ignoring Steph’s and Vicki’s pointed stares, I settled into my seat and said to Tobias, as he sat next to me, “I should be mad at you.”
Tobias leaned in, his breath caressing my cheek as he whispered, “Don’t be mad. Your secrets are safe with me, Comet.”
I turned to look at him, our noses inches from one another as I stared into his bright eyes. “I admit it was my fault for leaving the notebook at yours...but still...I never willingly gave you those secrets.”
Finally, remorse clouded his gaze. “I know. I’m sorry. They’re all good secrets, though. They say good things about you. Trust me with them.”
A part of me—a huge part—wanted to sway into his words, be wrapped up in the spell of his deep voice and magnetic charisma. But my confusion over why someone like Tobias could possibly understand someone like me, and like me, won. I felt a shutter come down over my eyes, blocking him out, and he must have noticed it. His smile turned into a scowl seconds before I unlocked my gaze from his.
* * *
Unfortunately, as silent as I was with him, I couldn’t escape Tobias. We had Spanish next, though thankfully, he sat at the back of the room. I didn’t even have the support or distraction of Vicki in Spanish anymore as she’d dropped the subject after week one and was taking Modern Studies with Steph instead.
I didn’t know if it was my imagination or not, but I honestly thought I could feel Tobias’s gaze on the back of my neck.
And then I couldn’t even escape him in conversation during our morning break.
Steph and Vicki found me in our common room, which happened to be a music room on the second floor. Other classmates were there, too, hanging out with their friends, but Steph and Vicki zoomed in on me.
“What was that?” Vicki said.
“What was what?”
“Don’t play dumb.” Steph slid onto the tabletop beside me and put her feet on a chair. “I thought King was going to snog you in front of everyone.”
I felt my cheeks flush. “Wh-what?”
“What were you talking about?” Vicki stood in front of me, arms crossed. Was I under interrogation?
“Class,” I lied.
She scowled at me. “It looked more than that.”
“It wasn’t.” I looked between my friends. “What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that it looked intense between you and Tobias King this morning. Your faces were, like, right here.” Steph placed her palm inward to just short of the tip of her nose. Her features seemed pinched. “He looked really into you.”
I blushed harder and, to my chagrin, squirmed in delight, remembering him calling me cute. “He’s not. He just likes to wind me up about class.” That was half the truth, at least.
Steph looked more than ready to believe that over the idea that he fancied me, and I wondered if she even knew what she really wanted. Tobias to like me, or for him—no correction, every boy—to like her instead.
Vicki did not look convinced. But instead of pursuing it further, she challenged me in another way. “It’s my cousin Sadie’s eighteenth this weekend. We’re all invited. Her parents are on holiday.”
I knew Sadie and liked her. Her parents were extremely successful in buying and selling property and had a lovely Georgian town house in Stockbridge. But a party was still a party after all. And even though I knew this was a test, I couldn’t bring myself to do something just to make Vicki happy with me again.
“I don’t like parties, Vicki. You know that.”
Steph huffed. “You’re seriously the most boring teenager on the planet.”
Hurt, I looked down at my feet. I was wearing black-and-metallic-gold brogues today. At least my clothes weren’t boring.
“Steph,” Vicki reprimanded softly.
“Hey.” Steph wrapped an arm around my shoulders, drawing my gaze to her face. “You are who you are, Com. Doesn’t mean we don’t love you.”