I nodded, because I knew he was right. We still had time to work all that stuff out. So I shoved those worries back down from whence they came and did my best to ignore them.
We were quiet, just soaking in the peace of lying in one another’s arms. Outside my window, beyond the garden, I could hear the harsh lapping of the waves and that, plus the adrenaline rush I’d just had, caused my eyes to droop with tiredness. Exhaustion soothed my limbs like a gentle massage, making me feel fluid and more relaxed than I could remember feeling in a long time.
Tobias’s next words jolted me out of it. “I want you to spend Christmas Eve with me and my mom.”
What?
I pushed up off his chest so that I could see his expression. He brushed the hair off my face, seeming calm, like the idea wasn’t a big deal. “You actually want to spend time with your mum? And me? Christmas Eve. With your mum?” The mum he was currently so angry with that he barely spoke to her or spent time with her?
“Yeah. You said your parents throw a big party and you end up staying in your room the whole time, so why not spend it with us instead?” Seeing my confused expression, Tobias sighed. “Look...I talked to her, okay.”
My pulse started to pick up speed. “About your dad?”
“Yes.”
“Because of me?”
“Because you were right, yes.”
I bit back a smile, wondering if it was possible this day could get any better. “And what did you say?”
He shrugged, the gesture far more indifferent than his sad expression. His pain took the wind out of my sails. This wasn’t a moment for me to crow over as a triumphant girlfriend realizing her influence over her boyfriend. This was Tobias, sharing his hurt and anger, the weight of which I wished I could shoulder for him.
“I told her I was angry at Dad for being a hypocrite and for being on my back all the time to be something it turned out he wasn’t. And angry at her for living this lie and making me live it, too.”
This time my heart beat hard with an ache. It was so unfair that someone so good, so true, should have to feel this way. There was no closure to be had for Tobias with his dad gone. It was just something he’d have to deal with for the rest of his life, and my chest smarted with the unfairness of it. “What did she say?”
The muscle in his jaw flexed and I felt his body tense against mine. “She said she stayed with him because she loved him, and she was scared that if she demanded his fidelity she would lose him.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. It reminded me so much of how Kyle was with Carrie—so blind to her faults, so in love with her, nothing else mattered. Not even how it affected their kid. Anger suffused me on Tobias’s behalf, and I must have not been able to hide it, because he wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and squeezed gently. “Hey, I’m okay,” he assured me. “My mom isn’t proud of herself, Com. She told me she wished every day she’d been stronger. But she isn’t perfect. She’s just human...and as much as I felt pressured by my dad, she reminded me that I also felt loved.” Tears filled his eyes. “He did everything for me. I never felt like he didn’t care. He screwed up. Big-time. And I just have to get over it. Move on.”
His tears automatically produced my own. His pain, my pain.
I held him. So tight.
It was a promise that, no matter what, I’d help him learn to accept his father’s betrayal and above all to remember his father’s love.
Finally, when his tremors subsided, I whispered, “Yes, Tobias. I’ll spend Christmas Eve with you and your mum.”
He held me tighter and I felt his smile against my cheek.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
24
Honesty doesn’t absolve you of your crime,
In fact it’s more bitter than your deception.
Perhaps understanding comes with the gravity of time,
But for now there are limits to this heart’s perception.
—CC
“What do you mean you’re spending all of today at Tobias’s?” Dad frowned at me over his cup of coffee. He was sitting at the kitchen counter, reading a newspaper when I’d walked in to let him know I was leaving.
“His mum invited me.” I shrugged, not understanding what the problem was. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal. You guys always have a party on Christmas Eve.”
“Carrie doesn’t feel like it this year. She was going to make her curry. I thought we could watch It’s a Wonderful Life together.”
Bemused by the idea, I said, “When have we ever done anything like that?”
“When you were a kid we used to watch Christmas movies.”
“On Christmas Day. When, as you say, I was a kid.”
“I just don’t think you should spend Christmas Eve away from your family. I’d rather you not go. I would have thought you’d rather be at home, too, no?”
Quickly, so fast it almost gave me whiplash, anger tore through me in a blaze of heat. How dare he? How dare he try to make me feel guilty about wanting to spend Christmas with Tobias over him? “Are you kidding?”
Eyes flashing at my tone, he held up a hand to ward me off. “I’m not looking for an argument, Comet.”
“Not looking for an argument? You’re giving me crap about spending the day with someone who loves me. Loves me, Kyle. Loves me!”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means where have you been my entire bloody life?” The words, the bottled rage, just popped out, pouring my vitriol all over him. “You’re a coward who chooses Carrie over me every time she kicks up a stink about you giving me attention. I know what happened to her. I know... I overheard one day. And I’m sorry that happened to her, I’m really sorry, but her hating me for existing and you choosing her over me, it hurts. It hurts so bloody much. You stopped caring a long time ago whether I was even in the room, so you don’t get to suddenly become my parent and demand things of me. You just don’t.”
Kyle looked at me, horrified. “I love her, Comet.”
That was his excuse, his answer?
What about me?
“More than you love me?”
His gaze dropped but before it did I saw the guilt. And although I’d always known it was true, it broke something inside of me. Tears built in my throat, blurred my vision. “It’s not supposed to work like that, Dad.”
He jerked at the name.
“You’re supposed to love your kid more than anyone else in the world.” A sob burst forth before I could stop it, my pain the only sound in the harshly silent kitchen.
I tried to control it, to find a way to pull back the hurt and hide it from him.
“I...” Dad stared at me, anguish written all over his face. “I know your mum better than anyone. And I knew the way she was acting when she was pregnant that she saw you as a threat to my love for her. I didn’t want that to turn into something ugly, Comet. I didn’t want her to become a person she’d despise, and I didn’t want you to suffer that kind of abuse. I knew I’d have to leave her if that happened, and I didn’t know if I’d have that kind of strength. So I... I distanced myself from you. She needed me to do that.”
More tears spilled down my cheeks as I grabbed my bag with the present inside it for the boy who did care about me more than anyone else. “I... I’ve sat alone in that bedroom for almost seventeen years, waiting for someone to choose me. You have no idea how alone I’ve been. I needed you to love me.”
He choked out a sob, covering his mouth, and as I walked out of the house, the sounds of my dad’s crying rang in my ears.
But it didn’t make me feel any better.
* * *
Tobias knew as soon as we met halfway between his house and mine that something was wrong. I felt shell-shocked after my confrontation with my dad, and I guess I looked it.
“You’ve been crying,” he said, his hands brushing over my cheeks where clearly my tears had left tracks.
“Crap.” Worry crashed over me as I rummaged through my bag for a compact. “I can’t show up at your mum’s looking like I don’t want to be there.”