The Fragile Ordinary

“What does that mean?”

His gaze suddenly burned, piercing through me with sadness. “That you shouldn’t let yourself be so consumed by one person that you forget about yourself and the other people around you who care about you.”

If he’d thrown a bucket of freezing cold water over me, it would have had the same effect. I shivered, feeling his words deep in my bones. All this time I’d feared being like my parents, and here I was...depending so deeply on another person to love me that I was losing myself.

“Shit,” I blurted out without thinking.

My dad just gave me this sad smirk. “Can I take that to mean you’ll be going back to school on Monday?”

I swallowed hard, not liking the mirror he’d put in front of me one bit. “Yes.” Going back and facing Tobias would be difficult, but it would be easier than being someone I didn’t want to be. “Thanks.”

He nodded and then seemed to be on the verge of saying something else before he stopped.

“What is it?”

“Well...I don’t want to pile too much on you,” Dad said, “But you need to know Carrie’s going to go traveling for a while. She leaves on Sunday.”

Confused by the turn in conversation it took me a moment to say, “Traveling?”

Why was she traveling? And for how long? And why without Dad? What the hell had I missed?

Dad got up off the bed and walked toward the door, this time apparently not caring about the stuff in his way or too lost in his thoughts to remember any of it was there. “Things have been a bit...well...we haven’t been...” He sighed and shrugged. “Your mum and I need some space from each other.”

I could only stare at him.

Kyle and Carrie Caldwell were taking a break from each other? I knew things had been distant between them but since Stevie had passed I really hadn’t been paying attention to my parents or their relationship. As far as I was concerned it was none of my business. Putting the pieces of the last few months together, I realized that they hadn’t been the same since my confrontations with them at Christmas.

Had what I said to Dad finally awakened him like his words had just awakened me?

“Oh. Okay.” I didn’t know what else to say.

He gave me another sad smile. “We’ll survive without her chicken curry for a while.”

“I have the pizza place on speed dial,” I joked lamely.

His expression told me he appreciated it, lame or not.

* * *

My first port of call coming out of my cave was Vicki’s. I apologized profusely for pushing her away, but my best friend was admirably understanding.

“I think if Luke broke up with me like that I’d feel the same,” she’d said.

Having not realized she felt that deeply for her boyfriend, I wished with all my heart that he never did.

It was with my two friends by my side that I made my way back into school on Monday, trying to keep not only my nerves at bay but the constant desire to burst into tears. It was one thing to tell yourself not to be a codependent crybaby, and another thing to actually try not to be. My parents being brave enough to take a step back from one another was inspiring though, and I thought if they could do it, I could certainly try to move on from Tobias. It would have been easier for me if he’d been nicer to me. However, I discovered right away that Tobias’s plan was to ignore me. I wondered if he’d even been worried about my absence from school or if I wasn’t even on his radar anymore.

Hurt turned to bitterness and bitterness turned to anger.

As the week wore on with us girls now sitting at a table by ourselves while the rugby boys sat alone, I felt the need to confront Tobias building and building within me. I tried to contain it, because Vicki advised she didn’t think that would do any good. Since our breakup, Vicki was kind of stuck in the middle. She’d chosen to sit with me at lunch, but I knew she missed sitting with Luke and with him graduating this year, she wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. Luke tried to be a good guy and take turns between the two tables, but he’d confessed to Vicki that he felt like he should be there for Tobias because he was still having a hard time over Stevie’s death.

I hated that for him.

That didn’t mean I wasn’t still a brokenhearted, enraged ex-girlfriend. But I tried to put a stopper on those emotions, because I didn’t want it to lead to a huge argument between Tobias and me. That would make things super awkward for Vicki and Luke, stuck between their two best friends.

I held on to the selfless thought until Thursday lunchtime arrived. Being miserable and pretending not to be miserable for the sake of your friends and for yourself is one of the most exhausting things a person can do. By Thursday I was tired, bitter and resentful. But mostly I was sad and fearing I’d never stop being sad.

It was a scary thought.

So when I walked into the cafeteria and my gaze automatically zoomed in on the rugby table like it always did and I saw Jess Reed sitting next to Tobias, the anger took over the sadness and I gladly let it.

“Uh-oh,” Steph said beside me, having seen the sixth year sitting with my ex.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Vicki tried to assure me. “Tobias isn’t seeing anyone. Luke would have told me.”

Right. Of course he would. I snorted at the idea as my heart pounded harder and faster in my chest. “Bros before hos.”

“Did you just call me a ho?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Look, let’s just get lunch.” Steph tried to gently nudge me toward the lunch line.

I shook my head. “I’m not hungry. And I’m not staying here to watch the dipshit flirt with Jess Reed. See you in class.”

“Comet!” they called after me, but I was already gone.

Hunger did nothing to abate my anger as I waited in the library for the lunch period to end. English was next, and I’d spent the entire period preparing myself to confront Tobias. I had strapped on my mental boxing gloves, and I was ready to do it because if I didn’t I was going choke on my anger.

The image of him and Jess having sex tried to push its way into my head and I wanted to be sick and scream and cry in equal measure. Everyone would look at the two of them and think, “Well, yeah, that makes more sense.” I hadn’t really given much thought to what anyone else was thinking about our breakup, because I couldn’t handle the speculation on top of everything else, but suddenly I couldn’t help wondering if they were all laughing behind my back.

I charged into English class, my heart leaping in my chest at the sight of him sitting there. Everyone was chatting away, waiting for Mr. Stone, so I took my opportunity immediately. Sliding into the seat next to him, I bent my head to his and said, “Jess Reed? Really?”

Tobias startled at the sound of my voice so close and turned to look at me, his expression carefully blank. “What are you talking about?”

I curled my lip at him, somehow loathing and loving his face in equal measure. “I’m talking about you deliberately trying to hurt me.”

He sneered. “Being self-absorbed again?”

“Me?” I huffed, pushing my face into his aggressively, causing his eyes to flare. “I’m self-absorbed? All this time since Stevie died, all I’ve thought about is you and how you’re feeling. But never, I bet, have you stopped to think about how I’m feeling. You never even noticed when I wasn’t at school! I’m a ghost to you.” My lips trembled and tears filled my eyes but I forced them away. “I know you blame me, but I’m not to blame for what happened to Stevie. I won’t put that on myself. It’s not my fault. I will always regret not trying harder with him or telling someone who could actually have done something to stop him, but I’m not to blame for the choice he made. Neither are you. You are not to blame, Tobias. You are not to blame for choosing me over him. And you shouldn’t regret your decision to not let you or me be pulled into that messy life with him. But if you want to put some misguided blame on yourself and on me, then go ahead. Do it. Hate me and hurt me and don’t even care that you do, but I won’t take it on. I won’t let you make me feel worthless and unlovable again.” A tear escaped but I swiped it away, turning my head so I couldn’t see the emotion in his eyes, raw pain that would soften me if I let it.