Now as I stood there I recalled plenty of things that were warning signs, if only I’d paid attention instead of running. There had been so much that I missed because I was too fucking lax.
I’d bought this one’s bullshit over the years hook line and sinker. What had that done to the young girl up those stairs? What else had she been subjected to, what had she endured because of me?
I felt shame and rage fight each other for dominance within me, as I dealt with my part in this farce. How many times had she cried out to me before I put a wedge between us? A wedge that I thought was needed to protect her from me.
How was I to know that someone else would try to take what’s mine, what’s always been meant for me? When I thought I was protecting her I was leaving her in harm’s way all along. Somebody was gonna pay for that shit.
“She didn’t tell me shit, it’s fuck this shit o’clock, and I just rode a long way. Now start talking before I break every bone in your body starting with your fucking back.” I was this fucking close. That haze of rage was threatening to overshadow everything else, even my need to protect my girl from bullshit.
I could see the lies forming in her eyes before she even opened her mouth, and felt sick to my stomach. How many times had I seen that look, how often have I fallen for it? What a fucking cluster fuck. Later, you can kick your own ass later; right now you have a couple enemies to annihilate.
“Jessie’s been acting up a lot lately, you know she’s started college these two years past and she thinks she’s an adult. Sal and I do everything we can for that girl you know that, but she’s a tad headstrong and ungrateful…”
It was the same fucking spiel I’d heard a thousand times before, only this time I wasn’t buying that shit.
How had she felt all those years when she’d been trying to tell me the shit that was happening to her and I believed this bitch’s word over hers? Granted that shit was nothing compared to this but still?
Would I have ignored her this time as well, had she tried to tell me? Since it had been a while since she’d even tried. Would I have been able to see the truth? I hope to fuck that I would’ve.
Or maybe it was because someone I trusted, someone I had served with and who had no reason to make this shit up, had passed on the news to me this time.
I admit now that in the past I was afraid, afraid to have her too close and that’s why I allowed myself to accept this bitch’s trumped up excuses. Jessie had never given me reason when we were together, to think of her as a liar. Still when she was young I’d always accept this one’s excuses.
She hadn’t complained to me in a long fucking time. It hit me in the gut then. I’d stupidly believed that things had smoothed themselves out. That she’d outgrown her growing pains, which was this bitch’s excuse for the young girl’s behavior.
Now I see that it was just her way of giving up on me since I was never there for her those times she reached out to me. Fuck me! I felt that shit to my soul before I pulled myself back, reined it in. I’ll get to the bottom of my own shit later, but for now it was time to clean house.
“ Do you know it just occurred to me that it’s been a while, a very long fucking time since she’s tried to complain to me about anything. I wonder what the fuck else I missed.” I slammed my fist down on the table as she scurried away to get out of the line of fire.
Was it because I’d always taken this evil bitch’s word over hers? Is that why she’d stopped believing in me? The thought left me cold. What the fuck had I done?
How was I to know that she was lying? I believed her when she said that kids lied to get their way, hadn’t I done the same as a youngster?
But it was only now, now that I wasn’t blinded by my own bullshit that I could clearly see how I’d wronged her. How I’d made it impossible for her to come to me.
What else had I missed? What other horrors had she endured while I buried my head in the fucking sand because it served my purpose, kept me out of the loop when I was too chicken shit to face up to what was?
I’d thought it was the only way to protect her, to keep her safe from my lust. In the end it looks like I’d done more harm than good. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to her, some way somehow.