She laughed. “Oh, no, goodness no, I meant it was my first date for a long while.”
“Oh, why was that?” I combed my fingers through her silky hair.
“I was kind of married.”
“Kind of?”
“Actually. Actually legally married. For five years. The divorce came through a couple months ago. This was the first time I’ve been out on a date in years or had sex in months.”
“Your ex didn’t –”
“Not for the last year or so before it ended. I would almost beg him, but he would always come up with some excuse. Turned out he had a girl on the side. Some 19 year old he’d met online. I caught them in bed together. The last of several stabs in the heart. It’s odd, really. I’ve never really heard of the death by a thousand cuts applied to a marriage before.”
“Why did you marry him?”
“Oh, he was charming at the beginning. Romantic and lovely, swept me off my feet. I was also 25 at the time and had been sheltered much of my life. I didn’t know how to recognize a player when one crossed my path. My instincts are a lot better now. Five years in Hell will do that, I guess.”
I wasn’t sure if it was how she meant it, but Shae very much made it sound like her marriage had been a mistake. Not only marrying that guy but getting married at all. Her ex could have been so bad he soured her on the entire idea of commitment. I had heard about that happening before.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that she might have been warning me. Maybe she didn’t want anything beyond the physical. We clearly connected and the sex was great, as it turned out. Perhaps she wanted a Friends-With-Benefits arrangement. I really wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
I sat bolt upright, carried along by the sheer force of my indecision.
“What’s wrong?” Shae asked.
“Uh, nothing, I, um, have an early morning tomorrow, and my fish need to be fed,” I said, even Jeepers popping his little head up to see what was going on. Though it also could have also been the mention of fish.
“Oh, okay,” Shae said, sounding disappointed but not crushingly so.
I was confused about her needs, but I didn’t want to hurt her. It was possible she never really expected me to stay overnight. I wasn’t even sure that she wanted another night or date for that matter. An idea which made me even sadder.
Not having sex again I could live with, but not seeing her again would be difficult. We were so in tune with each other. I wanted countless dates as well as nights. Shae felt so good in every possible way.
Shae seemed to be testing the waters, seeing what things were like after her lousy marriage. I wasn’t really sure what to do, but if it came down to it, I would prefer a purely physical relationship over no relationship at all. I could handle a fling. I had done it before, but that had mostly been in relationships in which I wasn’t strongly attracted — that wasn’t the case with Shae. If anything, I was more invested than I had ever been. It seemed weird after a single date, but I knew her before that. Given a choice, I would undoubtedly prefer both a proper, exclusive dating relationship as well as having the physical side. Call me greedy if you will.
Once I got home, I fed the fish I actually did have and changed into my running clothes. I had taken up running a few years ago. I found it a great way to clear my head, and I’d had some of my best ideas while doing it.
It was the first time I had done a run at night, but desperate times and all that. I just figured I would run a bit faster than usual and stick to my own block, running around the building enough times to feel the burn.
I took the stairs rather than the elevator, trying to get the adrenaline going before I started out. Most people listened to music while running. I preferred to hear what might be coming up behind me. You could never be too careful. Then again, I’ve also heard that any day above ground is a good day, which also had its merits.
My mind kept racing as I did laps around the block. The voice of reason in my head shouted that it wasn’t possible to fall in love so quickly. The voice of experience countering that it should shut the hell up or get smacked in the mouth. It could get pretty heated up there.
It turned out that the run didn’t help much. It just got me sweaty and cold, the debate raging in my head hot as ever. Limping into the bathroom, I stripped down to nothing and got into a warm shower, the soothing water quelling the internal debate though leaving me with thoughts of Shae.