He took a step forward and I frantically slammed the car into drive.
Our eyes met just as the woman he was with said something to him, laughing, and the smile dropped off his face.
“Holy shit,” I mumbled as I jerked away from the pump, my hands shaking as I flipped on my blinker and sped back onto the road. “Holy shit. Holy shit.”
“No!” Rebel yelled in the back seat. I looked in the rearview mirror to find her twisting toward the back window of the car. “No, Mama!”
“Calm down,” Mel said, putting her hand on my thigh. “You’re okay. It’s over. You’re fine.”
I whipped into a parking lot less than a mile down the road and threw the car into park, covering my face with my hands.
“No!” Rebel was throwing a full-on tantrum in the back seat, ripping at her seat belt and arching her back against the restraints as I tried to get my breathing under control. “Will! No!”
“Jesus Christ!” I blurted, tears coming to my eyes as I frantically pushed myself out of the car. I wanted to go get her, hold her in my arms and tell her that everything was okay, but I couldn’t.
Rebel couldn’t stand for me to touch her when she was having a fit. It was too much stimulation. It had taken me a long time to get used to my baby not wanting me to comfort her, but I’d managed, even though it still killed me to leave her alone when she was having such a hard time. She was safe in her seat. She couldn’t accidentally hurt herself. I needed to remember that.
“Goddammit!” I yelled, lifting my hands to my hair. “Motherfucking son of a bitch!”
“You’re going to get us arrested,” Mel commented as she followed me out of the car. “You about done?”
“Why does he still get to me? It’s so fucking irritating!”
“Maybe because you haven’t dated anyone else?”
“I don’t want to date anyone. I like my life how it is!”
“Well, then, I don’t know!” she yelled back. “Maybe it’s because he did you dirty! Maybe it’s because you have a kid that’s reminded you of his existence every day for the past year and a half! Maybe it’s because he was good in bed! How the fuck am I supposed to know why you can’t forget him? Don’t yell at me!”
“I’m sorry,” I ground out. “I was yelling at the universe, not you.”
“I don’t think the universe is listening,” she said simply, leaning against the hood of my car. “It’s over. You saw him. He saw you. Reb saw him. It’s over.”
“Did you see her face?” I hissed, bursting into tears. “Jesus Christ, did you see Reb’s face?”
“Yeah, girl. I did,” she replied softly. “But listen, she’s not yelling anymore.”
We both looked in the front windshield to find Reb sitting silently, looking out her window.
“I probably freaked her out,” I said in defeat, wiping at my face as I moved around the car.
“Nah, she’s tough. She’s heard me scream obscenities plenty of times,” Mel said jokingly, turning to watch me.
I opened Reb’s door and reached in, unbuckling her and pulling her into my arms. For a second, she held her body rigid against me then with a sigh, she relaxed, dropping her head onto my shoulder.
“Will?” she whispered.
“You ready to go to the river?” I asked, swaying slowly from side to side as I ignored her question. “Rocky’s waiting for us there.”
“Rock?” she asked, leaning back to glance at my face. She had tear tracks running down her cheeks, but I didn’t wipe them away. She didn’t like it when people touched her face, only letting me get near it if I was using a washcloth.
“You know it. You ready?”
She smacked the side of her suit and I nodded. “I know. We need to put the floaty things back in. We’ll do that when we get there.”
I got her back in the car and looked over the door at Mel. “Can you drive?”
“No problem,” she murmured, rounding the car and sliding into the driver’s seat.
“Goddammit,” I whispered one more time before opening my door.
* * *
“Dad, I’ve been calling you for hours,” I huffed into the phone as I opened my car door. “I have to work and you’re supposed to be watching Reb. I’m on the way to your house right now, so you better be home.” I pressed my finger hard against the screen of my phone, irritated that I couldn’t slam it shut. Flip phones really had been satisfying when you were pissed at someone.
It was two weeks after I’d seen Will at the gas station, and shit had gone mostly back to normal. We’d had a good day with Rocky and Mel, and by the time we’d gotten home that afternoon, Reb had been too tired to pester me about Will. She’d pretty much just sat on the couch and watched Sesame Street for the few hours before bed.