But I didn’t do any of those things. As her tears soaked the front of my shirt, I wrapped my arm around her, my hand resting on the side of her neck.
I let her stay.
I couldn’t do anything else.
* * *
“Get off me,” I ordered a couple hours later, pushing Trix aside as I climbed wearily from the bed.
I needed more sleep. I could feel it in every muscle. My eyes were scratchy and tired, but as soon as I’d woken up, I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep.
Especially when Trix was curled up next to me, completely passed out.
“Cam?” she asked shakily, lifting her head from the bed.
Her eyes had dark circles under them and her entire face was swollen from crying.
I shut my eyes and shook my head.
“Cam, please,” she whispered, coming up onto her knees.
“What do you want from me?” I asked harshly.
“I want you to support me. To love me.” She stuttered through her words, and I wondered if she knew how completely fucked up her request was.
“Not gonna support you killin’ my kid,” I told her tonelessly.
“Can we at least talk?” she asked, her voice shaking.
“Sure. You agree how fucked up it is that you’d even think about having an abortion and we’ll talk all fuckin’ day.”
“This isn’t what we planned,” she pleaded, reaching toward me.
I stepped back.
“That is our child, Bellatrix!” I roared, pointing at her belly.
How could she even consider this? How could she even—
“I know!” she screamed back, her voice breaking.
She crumbled into herself. Her head hit her knees as her arms pulled them tightly against her body.
I’d never heard the noise she was making before. It was so far beyond crying, it was physically painful to hear. She was wailing.
She was fucking wailing as she wrapped her entire body around where she carried our child.
I stood frozen while I watched her, unable to take that single step forward that would bring me to the bed.
Then she started barely rocking, back and forth, back and forth.
Like she was trying to soothe herself.
Like she was rocking our baby.
It broke me.
“Shh,” I whispered through my tight throat. She jerked when I laid my hand on her back, but she didn’t pull away when I climbed up behind her on the bed, scooting forward until my knees were spread on each side of her hips.
I curled myself around her, my elbows braced above her shoulders and my face buried against her neck.
Then I shuddered and began to rock with her.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
We did that for a long time.
Chapter 12
Trix
I didn’t get out of bed all day.
At some point, Cam carried me into our room and tucked me between the blankets.
He left.
I stayed.
I didn’t want to move.
I wished that he would have agreed with me.
That would have made things so much easier.
It would have made me feel justified.
It would have allowed me to ignore the voice in my head telling me I was making a mistake.
My arms felt heavy as I rolled over, pulling the quilt my great-grandmother had made years ago up to my eyes. I didn’t want to see anything.
I didn’t want to feel anything.
I didn’t want to move.
I didn’t want to think.
I didn’t want to be so goddamn terrified.
I knew I wouldn’t have an abortion.
I’d known it before I’d brought it up to Cam.
I’d known it before I’d made him look at me like I was a monster.
I’d known it before I’d ever left my nan’s house.
But I couldn’t accept it.
I felt it in every part of my body. I’d protect my child with every muscle. Every bone. Every fingernail and tooth.
But the terror that overwhelmed me didn’t allow me to focus on the fact that I would be having a baby.
I literally couldn’t even think about having a child without feeling like I was going to black out.
It was all encompassing.
I didn’t understand it.
I heard the front door open and I burrowed deeper into the blankets. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want anyone to see me.
“Trix?” my brother’s voice called through the apartment. “You home?”
Footsteps thudded down the hallway, and then suddenly he was there, standing in the doorway.
“You okay, sissy?” he asked quietly. “Why you in bed at four in the afternoon?”
“Just tired,” I replied, keeping my face covered. “What are you doing here?”
“Cam asked me to stop by and stay for a while. Something’s happening at the club, I think.”
“Party?”
“Nah. Meeting.”
“Oh.”
“You sure you’re okay?” He came toward the bed and sat at the edge, reaching out to put his hand on my back.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I replied raggedly. It took everything in me not to move away from his touch.
I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I just wanted Cam. Only Cam.
“I’ll make some dinner. What do you want?”
“I’m not really hungry, bubba,” I whispered back, my stomach clenching at the lie. “Actually, maybe some grilled cheese?”