“Cam?” I asked softly.
“Come on, let’s go.”
I watched him carefully as I crawled out of bed, and followed behind as he grabbed my hand and towed me into the bathroom.
It was the oddest shower ever. Somehow he helped me clean up while keeping his distance. He never touched me softly or spoke low into my ear, he just made sure I was washing and then left me to it, even though we had barely any space to move around each other.
By the time we climbed back out, I was shivering, and it wasn’t from the cold.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly, reaching out to touch his back as he brushed his teeth. “I won’t do it.”
“I know,” he said stonily around his toothbrush, meeting my eyes in the mirror. “You wouldn’t do that to me.”
“No,” I said, relieved. “I wouldn’t.”
When I tried to step in against him, he moved sideways to the door.
I watched Cam walk into the bedroom, but I didn’t follow him.
He’d moved away from me. God, that hurt.
Everything hurt. Why did everything hurt?
I brushed my teeth and went into the bedroom slowly, relieved that he’d found some sheets and had thrown them on the bed, along with an extra blanket I’d had in the closet. He was already lying down on his side, his back to me.
With my hair back in a braid and a long t-shirt on, I crawled between the sheets, shivering. It might be summer, but we were in Oregon. The nights were still pretty chilly. I moved in against his back, and his entire body tensed.
“No, Trix,” he said quietly, the words like a knife to my chest.
“What?” I breathed, snatching my hands away from his back.
He didn’t turn to me, but his next words were very clear.
“You asked for my permission for an abortion. You’re not doin’ it. I’m happy as fuck about that. Don’t mean I forgot you askin.’ You don’t want our kid—you obviously don’t want me.”
“Baby—”
“Got that barbeque tomorrow,” he reminded me. “I gotta get up early and help my ma. Need to get some sleep.”
I scooted away from him quickly and lay there staring at his back, the dim light in the room from the streetlights outside casting shadows on his Aces tattoo.
He didn’t want me.
I was lying next to him, the weight on my chest so heavy I felt like I could die from it, and he didn’t care.
My fear became so massive in that moment that I couldn’t even move.
I didn’t sleep the entire night, and because he wouldn’t allow me to touch him, I watched and listened to him breathe until the sun rose the next morning. I think that was the only thing that kept me from completely losing my mind.
* * *
“Leavin’,” Cam said as I sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. “You shouldn’t be drinkin’ that.”
I looked down at my cup and back up to the censure in his eyes, then nodded.
Okay. No coffee. I slid the cup away from me.
“Can you drive yourself or—”
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
“I can have Leo or Will come get you.”
I noticed he didn’t volunteer, but I didn’t let my expression change.
“Nope, it’s fine. I can drive. I need to stop by the store and get some stuff for a pasta salad, anyway. Maybe some wine.”
“You can’t have wine,” he snapped.
“It’s not for me.” I took a deep breath and stood up, picking up my coffee mug and dumping it in the sink.
“I’ll see you in a few hours.”
He walked away without kissing me goodbye and I firmed my jaw against the urge to cry. I looked like shit after my sleepless night—I couldn’t add more crying to my completely pale and drawn face. I already knew I was going to have to pull out my rarely used makeup and attempt to fix the circles around my eyes.
If I knew I could skip out of the barbeque, I would do it in a heartbeat—but it was Gram’s birthday. I couldn’t miss it, not without catching major shit for it. It’s not like I would have missed it, anyway—Gram was getting up in years, and we had no idea how much longer we had with her. My problems could wait until tomorrow.
As long as no one knew, as long as I didn’t have to field questions and endure congratulatory hugs—I could get through the day.
I moved slowly toward the shower and started getting ready. It was going to take me a while to make myself presentable.
* * *
“There’s my pretty girl.”
“Hey, Gramps,” I smiled as my mom’s dad pulled me into a hug, turning my head to the side so I wouldn’t get a face full of his beard. “Where’s Nan?”
“Went up north to visit Nix,” Gramps said, grinning as he smoothed his hand down my hair. He’d always grinned at me like that, like I was a miracle that surprised him each time he saw me. “Didn’t she tell you the other day when you were at the house?”