We’d begun to make plans for the future. He was trying to decide whether he should re-enlist in the Army, and though I tried not to sway him in either direction, I was terrified for him to leave on a deployment. I needed him here with me, not in danger halfway around the world. I couldn’t imagine having our baby without him there. If I was being completely honest, I couldn’t even imagine going a day without seeing him. He’d become as necessary to me as breathing.
We agreed that no matter what he chose to do, we’d keep our apartment at least until I graduated in June. After I had my degree, I’d have a lot of options career-wise, and I could find a management job anywhere once the baby was old enough to go to day care. Alex was a little more limited in his job choices, which was why we’d started discussing what he’d do when his career in the Army came to an end.
He hadn’t made a final decision, but I had a feeling that Alex was leaning toward getting out of the military and moving back to Oregon to be near his family and join the family business. I tried to stay neutral when we discussed the pros and cons of moving to Oregon, but I was pretty sure he saw right through me. I loved the idea of raising our child surrounded by aunts, uncles, and cousins.
It was kind of crazy, especially for someone who’d started making five-year plans when she was sixteen, but I hadn’t really thought very far into the future when we’d gotten married. I’d been concerned only with the immediate changes in our lives. Now I couldn’t stop planning for our future, even when I was supposed to be focusing on other things.
“Do you think if we lived near your parents, your mom could keep the baby while I worked?” I asked, looking up from the paper I was writing. I’d thought that Alex would be a distraction, but I’d had no idea how a baby would completely shift my focus. I was learning to deal with the constant bombardment of thoughts that didn’t have anything to do with what I was working on, but it still drove me a little crazy.
“You’re supposed to be writing,” Alex replied, pulling his headset off and pausing the video game he was playing.
“I know, but I was just thinking that we’ll have to find childcare,” I said, leaning back and stretching my arms above my head. Alex had been right—I did hunch over my keyboard. “But we don’t know anyone here.”
“That’s a long way off,” he said.
“I’m a planner,” I replied. “It’s what I do.”
“Yes,” he said. “If we lived near them, my mom would love to keep the baby while you work. She kept Arie for Ani and Bram while Ani was still working.”
“So that’s a mark in the pro column,” I murmured to myself.
“You want me to get out of the Army?” he asked, setting his controller down. “I need to make the decision soon.”
“I’m not making that decision for you,” I replied.
“But you’re making pro/con lists?”
“Just a running tally in my head,” I confessed.
“Well, let’s hear it.”
I looked at him closely, making sure he really wanted to hear it before I spoke.
“Cons,” I said, saving my work and then closing my laptop. “You have really good health insurance. You’ve been in the Army for a long time already, and it would be a shame to stop now when the retirement benefits are so good.”
“I’m only about halfway to retirement,” he said. “That’s a long time to be a military wife.”
I nodded in agreement. “Also, if you get out now, you’ll still be living in Missouri until I graduate, and we can’t survive on one income.” I’d barely been surviving on my single income; there was no way I could pay his bills, too. “Plus, your health insurance is so much better than mine.”
“I’m not staying home while you work,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ll find something. What are your pros?”
“Pros are that you wouldn’t deploy.” I sighed. “We could move near your family. You could work in your family business with your brother, which I know you’ll love.”
“I don’t know about that,” Alex joked. “Bram’s a pain in the ass.”
“Your mom could keep the baby while I work,” I continued. “We could buy a house. We wouldn’t have to move from place to place.”
“Are you worried about that?” he asked softly.
“Not yet,” I replied. “But eventually the baby will be in school and making friends.”
“Lots of military kids do just fine,” he said.
“And we’ll make it work, of course,” I replied quickly. “These are just on the pro/con list.”
“Fair enough.”
“There are arguments for both decisions,” I said, setting my laptop down on the coffee table so I could scoot into the spot next to him. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me against his side. “It needs to be your decision. What do you want to do?”