“You’re kidding, right?” I asked, flipping on my blinker so I could take the next exit.
“No, I’m serious,” she said derisively. “You’re the one who likes to make jokes.”
I pulled off the freeway and stopped in a gravel parking lot set up for big rigs. I threw the truck in park and spun to face her.
“I’ve been really fucking understanding,” I said, my hands clenched on my lap. “But don’t treat me like shit.”
“I’m not treating you like shit,” she shot back.
“The first time you’ve opened your mouth all day and you start in on me about how I don’t care about your feelings,” I said. “How I don’t care about your plans. What the fuck do you think I’m doing here, Sarai?”
“We’re driving to Oregon to see your family,” she said flatly.
“That’s such bullshit,” I growled. “I’ve done everything I can for you. I asked if you wanted to go back to New York, and you said no. I try to make you happy, and you fucking scowl at me. I can’t touch you, because you flinch away. I can’t talk to you, because you don’t respond. How in the fuck am I treating you bad?”
“I told you that I didn’t have time for a relationship,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “I told you that I had goals and plans that I wanted to follow through on.”
“We’re back to that?” I said tiredly. “Really?”
“Everything comes back to that,” she replied, her eyes not meeting mine.
“I didn’t force you to spend time with me,” I said, my breathing choppy as I stared at her. “I didn’t force you to do anything. You’re the one who wanted to get married, so we eloped. I tried to make everything easy on you. I—”
“If you would have just left me alone, then none of this would have happened,” she said accusingly, her eyes filling with tears. “I had plans. I knew what I was doing.”
“So you just wish that we’d never met?” I asked, my throat tightening as I struggled to speak.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. She lifted her hands to her face and let out a small sob.
“Then what do you mean?” I asked. We’d had this discussion at the hospital, but I’d let it go. I’d known that she was in shock, and I’d thought she hadn’t meant it. But now she was saying the same things all over again, and I felt as if my chest were cracking open. “You act like I ruined your life or something. If I’d just left you alone? What the fuck?”
“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” she cried. “None of this was supposed to happen.” She clenched her jaw and spoke through her teeth. “This is what happens when you don’t follow a plan—everything gets messed up.”
“What are you even talking about?” I asked. Was she talking about the baby? Our marriage? School? She wasn’t making any sense.
“I was supposed to stay the weekend,” she said suddenly. I stared at her in confusion. “But I was homesick, so I called my mom and asked her to pick me up.”
“Sarai,” I said quietly, trying to get her attention, but she was a million miles away.
“So my parents came to pick me up. Of course they did,” she said with a sigh. “They had to get me early so we could go to temple. If I just would have stayed like I was supposed to…” She turned to me and shrugged her shoulders. “They shouldn’t have even been on the road yet. That wasn’t the plan.”
It all became clear as she stared at me dully.
“And you think if you wouldn’t have asked to be picked up…,” I said, my words trailing off.
“It wouldn’t have happened,” she said faintly. “We were on our way home so my mom could finish getting ready. She had hot rollers in her hair, with a scarf over them because she wasn’t planning on getting out of the car.” She looked down at her hands. “She would have hated that people saw her like that.”
“I bet she would’ve just been relieved that you were okay,” I murmured, covering her hands with mine. “That’s what parents are like.”
“If I would have just kept to the plan…,” she mumbled.
“That’s bullshit. You have no idea if they would have gotten into an accident even if they hadn’t picked you up,” I replied, making her jerk in surprise. “Sweetheart, don’t you think they’d be grateful that they got to see you one last time before they died?”
“They wouldn’t have even been on that road,” she rasped.
“Sarai.” I gave her hands a squeeze. “You can’t plan for everything.”
“I can try.”
“Yeah, you can,” I conceded with a sigh. “But some of the best things happen when you don’t plan for them.”
She didn’t reply.
“Did you know that I didn’t want to go to that stupid double date?” I said, taking a risk by bringing up Hailey and Sean. “I was planning on playing video games in my underwear.”