“I couldn’t keep them down,” she mumbled.
“What the fuck, Kate?” My short fingernails dug into my palm as I felt a headache forming at my temples. “Did you go to the emergency room?”
“No, I didn’t,” she shot back. “I was fine at home. I think it was just the emotional overload. After a couple of days, I was back to normal.”
“You can’t do that shit,” I growled, feeling out of control as I rubbed my hands over my face. “I left my kids with you, Kate. You can’t just fucking fall apart.”
“Wow. Okay, um—” She sniffled, and I felt like such an asshole. I didn’t want to make her cry. Shit.
I couldn’t get past the anger that my feeling of helplessness had stirred. I couldn’t deal with this shit. Didn’t she realize that? Did she realize where my focus was supposed to be, and how incredibly bad it would be if my focus was at home with her because she was losing her shit? Fuck. I needed her to keep things under control in California.
I’d never had to deal with that shit with Rachel.
“I’m going to bring Sage the phone,” she said hoarsely. “Do you have enough time?”
“Yeah, I’ve got a few more minutes.” I wanted to apologize. I could tell I’d hurt her feelings, but she could not fall apart when I was halfway around the world. She’d promised to take care of the kids. What the fuck would I do if she couldn’t handle it?
“I miss you,” Kate whispered, but before I could reply, she’d handed off the phone.
I knew then that I’d fucked up. Again.
“Hello?” Sage’s sweet voice came through the connection.
“Hey, princess.”
“Grandpa, it’s Daddy!” I heard Mike chuckling in the background.
“How’s it going, baby girl?”
“Gunner got into the garbage,” she tattled gleefully.
“How the heck did that happen?”
“Grandma was helping Auntie Kate in the bathroom—”
“Why was Auntie Kate in the bathroom?” I asked, cutting her off.
“What?” she asked, making me repeat the question.
“Her baby was making her sick again,” Sage informed me. “But she’s better now. Grandpa was supposed to watch Gunner, but Kell was jumping on the couch and he had to stop him before he busted his head open.” She made her voice deeper for the last four words as if mimicking Mike, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
I didn’t know how many times I’d heard that exact same phrase come out of Mike’s mouth.
“Wanna talk to Keller?”
“Sure. I love you, princess.”
“Love you too, Daddy!”
There was some scratching on the phone, and after a few moments I heard Keller.
“Daddy!”
“Hey, bud!”
“Whatcha doin’?” He sounded like he was eating something crunchy. A carrot? I tried to picture exactly what he was doing in my head, down to the clothes he was wearing.
“Just working. What have you been doing?”
“Playing with Grandpa. We went to the park yesterday, and I did the whole monkey bars by myself.”
“Whoa. Your guns are going to be huge by the time I get back,” I teased him, making him laugh.
“Are you coming home soon?”
My heart dropped to my stomach. “Not for a while, bud.”
A guy across the room got my attention, letting me know my time was up. Shit.
“Hey, Kell, I have to go, buddy.”
“Okay,” he grumbled.
“I’ll call you back soon, okay?” I said quietly, getting to my feet. “I’ll have Auntie Kate set up the computer so we can talk on there.”
“Okay. I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, too, Kell. Give the little boys a kiss for me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And Kell?”
“Yeah?”
“No more jumping on the couch.”
“Sage!” I heard him screech before the connection was broken.
“Bye, son,” I mumbled into the dead line before hanging the phone back on the receiver.
I set my cover on my head and pushed my sunglasses back on my face as I headed out of the call center. I loved calling home, but I’d have to make sure I wasn’t making contact more than once or twice a week…assuming I had the time. Talking to Kate and the kids had given me a sense of relief, but I knew it would leave me in a funk for the rest of the day.
I wasn’t sure how angry Kate was. I’d been a dick, but the words had poured out of me. Plain and simple? I was frustrated.
I hated that Rachel was gone. I hated that I still reached for her sometimes, especially since I’d arrived in the hot-as-hell shithole I was in. I hated that Kate had taken up any spare place in my head, leaking into everything. I hated that I’d had to ask her to take care of my kids because they didn’t have a mother. I hated that I owed her for that.
I hated that I was missing school programs and new teeth and milestones.
I missed my children so fucking much.
I missed Kate, too.
The next time I called home, I decided, I’d apologize to Katie. She didn’t deserve my bad mood when she already felt like shit.